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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - sister and brother in law seemingly excluding me

190 replies

MarleneH · 31/10/2023 23:23

Good evening all,
please advise me if I’m being unreasonable being annoyed?

my husbands sister (SIL) brought hubby a gift for his birthday last year to go to a concert in December. I found out last week that It’s not just hubby and sister in law going, it’s sister in law and her partner, and my brother in law and his partner - so couples night excluding me. My hubby is basically third wheeling.

do I have the right to feel annoyed? I feel excluded and disrespected tbh. I feel like I should have been asked.

it’s annoyed me because it’s basically hubby and his siblings plus their partners, but no one thought to ask me. I do not expect anyone to pay for me, but it would’ve been nice to have been asked and I could have sent over my money or booked my ticket. All sold out now so too late.

what would you do? Is it even worth me speaking to hubby?

Thanks
M x

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 11:23

@DarkDarkNight
Perhaps the partners contributed to the tickets as well. They may not have viewed this as a couples or date night type experience, but simply an opportunity to gift him a pleasant or fun concert experience. Not every action has some nefarious intent. You are blowing this far out if proportion. You were not excluded. In all likelihood , they simply got a gift for their brother and did not consider you at all.

We recently took a work colleague out for a Sunday birthday brunch. We did not invite his wife or family even though it was a group event. No offense was intended. It was just a gift for him from us as a group.

Ibravedaflood · 01/11/2023 11:26

Can you buy another ticket? Or dh sell his and buy 2 together if seated... Yanbu op. A deliberate snub.

FourNonBlondez · 01/11/2023 11:28

YANBU to be upset...
YABU - to use the word hubby

Rosscameasdoody · 01/11/2023 11:30

hotcandle · 31/10/2023 23:31

YABU. I don't think your husband is third wheeling when he's been bought a ticket.

I don't know why you would talk to your husband about it? It's not his fault. Unless there is a drip feed here of you and your SIL not getting along?

I wouldn't think to invite someone to a concert they have shown no interest in before either.

So you don’t think it’s odd that everyone else is going with their partner, but the OP’s husband wasn’t even given the choice ? And that fact has been kept quiet until recently ? It’s rude and the OP is right to feel hurt by it. If any in the party have an issue with the OP then the only way she’s going to find out, and possibly resolve it, is to talk to her husband. And if he knows of an issue and is aware that she has been deliberately excluded, then he’s being disloyal and that would be the bigger issue for me.

Eddielizzard · 01/11/2023 11:30

So rude. What twerps.

DuplicateUserName · 01/11/2023 11:30

People need to get off the OP's back about using the word 'hubby'.

It's not my favourite word either but she's entitled to use it if she wants to Hmm

Northernladdette · 01/11/2023 11:34

“You were not excluded. In all likelihood , they simply got a gift for their brother and did not consider you at all”

THIS is the issue here, surely??

Original poster
MarleneH · 01/11/2023 11:35

The siblings partners are also going. That’s the issue.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 01/11/2023 11:37

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 11:23

@DarkDarkNight
Perhaps the partners contributed to the tickets as well. They may not have viewed this as a couples or date night type experience, but simply an opportunity to gift him a pleasant or fun concert experience. Not every action has some nefarious intent. You are blowing this far out if proportion. You were not excluded. In all likelihood , they simply got a gift for their brother and did not consider you at all.

We recently took a work colleague out for a Sunday birthday brunch. We did not invite his wife or family even though it was a group event. No offense was intended. It was just a gift for him from us as a group.

If it was just the three siblings going I’d agree. But the other partners were invited and OP was excluded. A work colleague is different from being excluded by family, when all other family members have been invited.

MrsRachelDanvers · 01/11/2023 11:39

ExTheCheater · 31/10/2023 23:44

I don't see the problem. His siblings were obviously booking and thought he'd like it too so got him a ticket. Let him enjoy his night.

Edited

What-including their partners but excluding their brother’s? Seems shitty to me. I’d feel totally disrespected and normally I do t even notice these things.

stayathomer · 01/11/2023 11:40

they might have all been going and decided to throw him on as a present? I personally wouldn’t be irritated- I do (well haven’t in a while but do!!) stuff with my family as does dh

pam290358 · 01/11/2023 11:40

Northernladdette · 01/11/2023 11:34

“You were not excluded. In all likelihood , they simply got a gift for their brother and did not consider you at all”

THIS is the issue here, surely??

I would have thought there were two issues here. The first is that it’s not just the three siblings going alone - the other two partners were invited, OP wasn’t and it was kept quiet that the other partners were going. The second is that her husband has seemingly knowingly gone along with it. I’d be mad as hell at him.

Northernladdette · 01/11/2023 11:49

I agree, I was quoting @DarkDarkNight, not able to quote a post for some reason??

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 01/11/2023 11:50

Surely as a wifey you feel you can discuss this with hubby? I would feel upset at being left out too by the in-lawys, but it is up to hubby to talk to them

Rosscameasdoody · 01/11/2023 11:52

Northernladdette · 01/11/2023 11:49

I agree, I was quoting @DarkDarkNight, not able to quote a post for some reason??

Yep, I realised that - just generally commenting as few pp have picked up on the fact that DH must have known what was happening. I’ve noticed quote fails myself - more frequent since MN introduced the edit function.

CaineRaine · 01/11/2023 11:52

I’d be upset too OP. If it was just the 3 siblings going then fair enough but 3 siblings but only 2 accompanying partners, with the birthday boy being the only one without their partner invited, is rude.

museumum · 01/11/2023 11:59

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 11:23

@DarkDarkNight
Perhaps the partners contributed to the tickets as well. They may not have viewed this as a couples or date night type experience, but simply an opportunity to gift him a pleasant or fun concert experience. Not every action has some nefarious intent. You are blowing this far out if proportion. You were not excluded. In all likelihood , they simply got a gift for their brother and did not consider you at all.

We recently took a work colleague out for a Sunday birthday brunch. We did not invite his wife or family even though it was a group event. No offense was intended. It was just a gift for him from us as a group.

Did you all take your own partners to Sunday brunch but not invite his wife? If you did that’s also shitty. If not, then it doesn’t compare to this situation.

tattygrl · 01/11/2023 12:08

To be honest I would feel hurt by this. Like you say, it's a night out for siblings and their partners, all apart from you. I'd probably be telling myself to not be bothered by it, but I would be! I do think you need to talk properly to your husband about it, just because you're a couple and it's important to share feelings like this.

DianaBarry5 · 01/11/2023 12:08

You have some kind replies but should have put this in relationships for less aggro. My opinion is you're right to be upset

Littlelucas · 01/11/2023 12:11

Wow - I think this takes snubbing someone to a whole new level.

I would be livid if my dh went. So disrespectful.

Smellslikesummer · 01/11/2023 12:11

Just talk to them.
Personally I would message something like « hi, DH is getting ready for the concert, such a shame I wasn’t aware you were booking it or I would have joined you - a bit awkward for DH now to be the odd one out with couples when it is his bday present. Oh well, next time! »

I wonder if the poster above is right, they all pooled in to buy his ticket but they didn’t think to add a +1 or to offer you to buy your own ticket at the time.

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 12:13

@MarleneH
I this is a collective gift from the 4 of them? I really don't see a reason why you would have expected to be included in their gift choice.

I honestly think you are making something out of nothing. What good do you see coming from this other than possibly damaging your husband's relationships with his siblings? Adding you now will be awkward. Obviously, you did not care enough about attending this event to have purchased tickets. So it is not something that you had some pressing desire to attend.

Do you want good relationship with his siblings to continue or do you want to make a point of something that in the grand scheme of things does not matter at all ? Is what you risk damaging worth what you will gain, and what exactly will you gain?

Littlelucas · 01/11/2023 12:16

If this is a collective gift from the 4 of them? I really don't see a reason why you would have expected to be included in their gift choice.

Are posters like this deliberately being obtuse?

The point isnt that they didn't buy op a ticket - it's that they didn't even bother to invite her to give her the chance to buy her own ticket and then invited their own partners.

Its really, really shitty and bizarre behaviour.

Original poster
MarleneH · 01/11/2023 12:20

I would have been more than happy to purchase my own ticket guys ❤️

OP posts:
Brefugee · 01/11/2023 12:20

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 11:23

@DarkDarkNight
Perhaps the partners contributed to the tickets as well. They may not have viewed this as a couples or date night type experience, but simply an opportunity to gift him a pleasant or fun concert experience. Not every action has some nefarious intent. You are blowing this far out if proportion. You were not excluded. In all likelihood , they simply got a gift for their brother and did not consider you at all.

We recently took a work colleague out for a Sunday birthday brunch. We did not invite his wife or family even though it was a group event. No offense was intended. It was just a gift for him from us as a group.

meh - work things are fine. This is a family thing. 2 out of 3 couples then half the other?

I agree that they don't need to spring for OPs ticket but not to ask her if she wants to go? rude