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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - sister and brother in law seemingly excluding me

190 replies

MarleneH · 31/10/2023 23:23

Good evening all,
please advise me if I’m being unreasonable being annoyed?

my husbands sister (SIL) brought hubby a gift for his birthday last year to go to a concert in December. I found out last week that It’s not just hubby and sister in law going, it’s sister in law and her partner, and my brother in law and his partner - so couples night excluding me. My hubby is basically third wheeling.

do I have the right to feel annoyed? I feel excluded and disrespected tbh. I feel like I should have been asked.

it’s annoyed me because it’s basically hubby and his siblings plus their partners, but no one thought to ask me. I do not expect anyone to pay for me, but it would’ve been nice to have been asked and I could have sent over my money or booked my ticket. All sold out now so too late.

what would you do? Is it even worth me speaking to hubby?

Thanks
M x

OP posts:
Maze76 · 01/11/2023 12:22

The ticket was bought as a gift when I fact it’s actually a group activity/ night out. I would say that whoever bought the ‘gift’ has an issue with you, it’s intentional and if this happened to me I would be very upset.

Brefugee · 01/11/2023 12:23

MarleneH · 01/11/2023 12:20

I would have been more than happy to purchase my own ticket guys ❤️

have you talked to your DH about this yet?

Scarlettpixie · 01/11/2023 12:30

There has to be more to this. How long have you been together? Do you have kids and struggle for a sitter? Do you all get on?

If there is nothing you can think of I agree it seems odd.

You and your husband need to discuss it (but you shouldn’t make a fuss about him going).

Lastchancechica · 01/11/2023 12:32

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 11:23

@DarkDarkNight
Perhaps the partners contributed to the tickets as well. They may not have viewed this as a couples or date night type experience, but simply an opportunity to gift him a pleasant or fun concert experience. Not every action has some nefarious intent. You are blowing this far out if proportion. You were not excluded. In all likelihood , they simply got a gift for their brother and did not consider you at all.

We recently took a work colleague out for a Sunday birthday brunch. We did not invite his wife or family even though it was a group event. No offense was intended. It was just a gift for him from us as a group.

I think this is nasty SIL!

Instructing you to be quiet and don’t rock the boat, despite their seemingly disgusting treatment of you.

My dh would send a msg along the lines of

’Thank you for the fab birthday concert tickets guys. Just checking who has Marlene’s ticket as she is keen to send over the payment? We are both excited to see x band. Shall we meet before for drinks?’

wrong attachment! Should be this one!

Autiebibliophile · 01/11/2023 12:34

If I were your dp I would either invite you myself ( maybe they assumed he would?) or I'd ask dsis was there a reason you hadn't been included. But yes you are right to be offended. Tbh if they didn't have a good reason for not including you I doubt I'd go

Lastchancechica · 01/11/2023 12:34

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 10:59

@MarleneH
It seems that as a birthday gift , his siblings are taking him to a concert. Usually a gift is given to the celebrant. In this case the celebrant is your husband. There is no real reason why the gift should have included a ticket for you. This is a one time event, does it really matter that he goes alone? Why create an unnecessary issue between the siblings? There is a lot to lose by creating unnecessary friction and nothing to be gained from doing so. What would be your purpose?

This post seems off to me.

DilemmaEmma2 · 01/11/2023 12:35

The thing is OP, what is it you want exactly?

Do you want your DH to not go out of principle to you and defend your honour?

Or do you want an effort to be made to invite you, find you a ticket and seemingly the whole thing feeling forced?

I get its the pits, I really do - and yes your DH perhaps should have been a bit more forthright and said "are/can we getting MarleneH a ticket too?"

BUT - it's not uncommon for husbands and wives to do separate things, it was a gift to him not you.

Perhaps it was an oversight on SIL and BIL's part, but they don't have to invite you to everything, if they do as a result of this now, it's just going to feel fake/forced and personally, I wouldn't like that.

I understand the deeper issue is that partners are going too, but perhaps it was a genuine error on their part not to invite and not anything malicious behind it.

Original poster
MarleneH · 01/11/2023 12:35

My post? Or this comment?

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 01/11/2023 12:36

I would assume they have a ticket for you op, because I can’t imagine why they would invite everyone else but you. It’s unlikely they are that unkind. If it turns out to be true - the concert is the least of your worries. You and dh should take a big step back if it turns out to be the case.

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 12:37

@Rosscameasdoody

The others probably contributed to.the group gift. They were not necessarily invited along so much as were members of the planning committee.,

DotAndCarryOne2 · 01/11/2023 12:37

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 12:13

@MarleneH
I this is a collective gift from the 4 of them? I really don't see a reason why you would have expected to be included in their gift choice.

I honestly think you are making something out of nothing. What good do you see coming from this other than possibly damaging your husband's relationships with his siblings? Adding you now will be awkward. Obviously, you did not care enough about attending this event to have purchased tickets. So it is not something that you had some pressing desire to attend.

Do you want good relationship with his siblings to continue or do you want to make a point of something that in the grand scheme of things does not matter at all ? Is what you risk damaging worth what you will gain, and what exactly will you gain?

Don’t understand this. DH’s brother and sister have arranged a birthday event for him, included their own partners, and left the OP out of her own DH’s birthday celebrations. How could you not see this as a snub ? And the fact that they’ve kept it quiet since last year implies that DH has known all along that the other partners were invited, but said nothing. And I don’t think it’s that the OP didn’t care enough to purchase tickets - she was under the impression that it was just DH and his siblings going, so it would have been inappropriate.

The fact that it’s actually a couples’ event and she has been left out, puts a totally different complexion on it and In the grand scheme of things it absolutely does matter. She’s been snubbed and her DH is complicit, so the ‘good relationship’ with his family clearly isn’t. I would want it brought out in the open, and frankly, no matter what the explanation, it would leave me with a very bad taste in my mouth and I would be rethinking my relationship with all of them. DH included.

Lastchancechica · 01/11/2023 12:41

Btw if there isn’t a ticket for you - if we were in your position - there is no way my dh would go or want to go.

If dh goes along with such bullying behaviour then he is condoning what they have done to his wife. They will continue with this excluding behaviour indefinitely as why wouldn’t they? Dh hasn’t got the balls to stand up for her, and they clearly have an axe to grind, or maybe it’s entertaining for them.

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 12:44

@Lastchancechica
If my brother were to send such a response to me or my sibling in response to a well intentioned gift we would probably respond by telling him that we would assume that her is still at Ticket Masters if she has not yet purchased one.

Redmat · 01/11/2023 12:46

Not strange to go just as siblings ,very strange to invite all but one partner.
I think I'd ask them to resell that ticket and give your husband the money so he can use it on something else.
I wonder how they can look you in the face again. So odd, unkind and weird.

easylikeasundaymorn · 01/11/2023 12:46

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 11:23

@DarkDarkNight
Perhaps the partners contributed to the tickets as well. They may not have viewed this as a couples or date night type experience, but simply an opportunity to gift him a pleasant or fun concert experience. Not every action has some nefarious intent. You are blowing this far out if proportion. You were not excluded. In all likelihood , they simply got a gift for their brother and did not consider you at all.

We recently took a work colleague out for a Sunday birthday brunch. We did not invite his wife or family even though it was a group event. No offense was intended. It was just a gift for him from us as a group.

people are terrible at reading comprehension on MN - it's not as if OP specifically said "I do not expect anyone to pay for me....I could have sent over my money or booked my ticket."

ok, take the gift element out - if they just organised a night out and invited DH but everyone was paying for their own ticket, do you accept it would have been rude then not to invite OP? For them to have thought, right, me and my partner want to go to this concert, and I'll invite my sister and her partner, and my brother...but not his partner? Or replace concern with meal, holiday, whatever. It's just weird and rude!

I can only assume that perhaps if they'd invited you they thought you'd assume they'd pay for your ticket as well and they didn't want to/couldn't afford to, but no idea why they didn't just communicate with you and ask you that! Apart from anything else, usually it's good planning to check with the partner that the person you're buying for doesn't already have anything else booked in for that day.

Viviennemary · 01/11/2023 12:50

No I think its fair enough. Why shouldnt he go out with his family.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/11/2023 12:51

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 12:37

@Rosscameasdoody

The others probably contributed to.the group gift. They were not necessarily invited along so much as were members of the planning committee.,

So why would the ‘planning committee’ invite every partner except the birthday boy’s ?

Silvers11 · 01/11/2023 12:52

@MarleneH - I completely understand where you are coming from and why you are upset and I would be too. If something looks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it probably IS a duck

But, I can also see situations where it was never meant to be a deliberate exclusion of you, but things escalated. Like, for one thing, SIL bought a ticket for her and her Brother for his Birthday and then others, including partners wanted to come and bought their own tickets later. They many even have thought if you wanted to go, you too would buy your own ticket - especially if the tickets are standing, not seated.

I can think of other scenarios too. At the minimum it looks like no-one actually thought about you, which is hurtful on its own, but it isn't necessarily a deliberate snub

It's very unfortunate that there are no tickets left now. I do think your DH should at least mention it to SIL and see what she says

thing47 · 01/11/2023 12:54

In any normal world surely the SIL would have messaged OP along the lines of: 'Hi, just to let you know that we're getting [your DH] a ticket to x band for his birthday. All 4 of us are going too so if you'd like to come with us, we can get you a ticket at the same time and you can send us the money for yours.'

It's not difficult, me and my friends arrange to go to gigs/theatre etc all the time like this...

By not doing this, it begins to feel like a deliberate exclusion, and YNBU to query it.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 01/11/2023 12:57

Viviennemary · 01/11/2023 12:50

No I think its fair enough. Why shouldnt he go out with his family.

His ‘family’ are his brother and sister. If you consider the other BiL and SiL who are invited to the event as his family, then surely it follows that OP is also regarded as such - she has the same relationship with them after all.

fantasmasgoria1 · 01/11/2023 12:58

As someone else said if partners were not included and it is a siblings only thing then fine. The fact that you are the only partner not going seems like they have deliberately excluded you which to me is awful. I know that my husband would refuse to go and would ask them about this. You are finding this upsetting so you need to speak to your husband and discuss the best way forward.

Lastchancechica · 01/11/2023 13:00

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 12:44

@Lastchancechica
If my brother were to send such a response to me or my sibling in response to a well intentioned gift we would probably respond by telling him that we would assume that her is still at Ticket Masters if she has not yet purchased one.

Really? You would treat your sil like that? No wonder there are so many family fall outs!

Just in case you didn’t get the memo, the gig is sold out….

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 13:02

@Rosscameasdoody
The ticket was a gift , it was not an invitation to a party.

Drinagh · 01/11/2023 13:03

Any reason why you can't buy yourself a ticket and go too, if it's an act you like and tickets are still available?

Rosscameasdoody · 01/11/2023 13:07

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 13:02

@Rosscameasdoody
The ticket was a gift , it was not an invitation to a party.

I agree. But it still doesn’t explain why the partners of the other siblings had tickets and the partner of the actual birthday boy didn’t. And it’s been kept quiet since last year - ensuring that it’s too late for the OP to get a ticket herself. As someone quipped upthread - if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck.