AIBU - sister and brother in law seemingly excluding me

[MarleneH]

Good evening all,
please advise me if I’m being unreasonable being annoyed?

my husbands sister (SIL) brought hubby a gift for his birthday last year to go to a concert in December. I found out last week that It’s not just hubby and sister in law going, it’s sister in law and her partner, and my brother in law and his partner - so couples night excluding me. My hubby is basically third wheeling.

do I have the right to feel annoyed? I feel excluded and disrespected tbh. I feel like I should have been asked.

it’s annoyed me because it’s basically hubby and his siblings plus their partners, but no one thought to ask me. I do not expect anyone to pay for me, but it would’ve been nice to have been asked and I could have sent over my money or booked my ticket. All sold out now so too late.

what would you do? Is it even worth me speaking to hubby?

Thanks
M x

I asked my DH what he'd do if he were the DH in this scenario.

It would be: telling his siblings to sell his ticket, and they'll do something to celebrate his birthday another time. Either with all partners or none.

Mine said the same - except he said he'd specifically ask why I wasn't invited too. In our family it would be unthinkable for anyone to do this though so I doubt we'll ever be in this situation.

Oh yes, mine said that it would never have got that far if he'd known that i wasn't invited.

If these people have gotten along well in the past, what motivation would they have in deciding to exclude the OP? Clearly, no one discussed this with the OP so she cannot say with any certainty if the group is sitting together, whether this was planned as a group event, or if after discovering that they were both going to be at the same event , the siblings decided to purchase a ticket for their brother. So many different things could have impacted the decision to purchase the ticket, why would the OP's thoughts turn to exclusion particularly with a group of people with whom she has had a previously positive relationship?

There is much to be said for choosing your battles wisely. What is the expected positive outcome of turning an innocent gifting event into a source of family friction?

The concert will involve the husband being out for a few hours. Creating unnecessary family friction has the potential to last for years. My relationship with my siblings is precious to me, I could not imagine risking or damaging it over something as frivolous as a concert ticket; nor would I think that family members with whom I have had positive relationships maliciously planning such a thing.

Dozens of concert tickets would not be worth creating family friction.

Such weird behaviour! You really need to discuss this with your husband.
My husband would genuinely be so pissed off over this-I honestly don’t think he would go!

@Rosscameasdoody

Oooh burn. Hun

It’s not the concert tickets themselves that are the issue. It’s the seemingly deliberate exclusion of the OP. And the OP only has two choices. She can risk causing friction now and get to the bottom of things. Or she can say nothing and wonder why they seemingly happily excluded her from her husbands’ birthday celebrations, and why he went along with it. The relationships between the OP and all concerned were damaged the minute she found out she’d been excluded. There may well be some innocent explanation, but if she doesn’t ask, she’ll never know and the damage will be permanent.

What????!!!!

"Bert, what do you think about Margery not including me?"

Doesn't mean anyone has to bad mouth anyone, but to be 'too stunned' to speak to the person you're married to, is just weird.

@pam290358
The OP is assuming that she was excluded. There is no evidence of that. What she knows with certainty is that her husband received a birthday gift . She does not know any of the circumstances surrounding the selection of or even the purchase of the gift She has made several assumptions without knowing the details, and in truth who really gives any significant details with a gift. A gift usually comes, gift wrapped with a card and good wishes.

I am still having difficulty understanding how you immediately assign negative intentions from people with whom you have always gotten along. Is the OP thinking that this group suddenly all awoke up one morning thinking "let's find a way to exclude OP."

What would be the reason , and why would her thoughts immediately turn to exclusion? That is so offensive to people who have seemingly treated her well in the past.

Bollocks does it distract.

You'd have to have the intelligence of a toddler to get distracted by a word you don't like.

If this is the case, I really don't think the internet is for you.

I think they have done a really crappy thing. DH and I do lots separately, but not with the mix of people going!

@DuplicateUserName Well luckily I don't give a fuck what you think 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP's use of that infantile word was the written equivalent of the verbal "y'know" that punctuates some people's conversations

I'll continue to judge, thanks all the same pet

YANBU they are being arseholes. She should have messaged you explaining the gift/situation and asked you if you'd like to buy a ticket too. I'd be really pissed off by this and so would my DH, he wouldn't go.
Totally different if it was just a sibling night.

OP's use of that infantile word was the written equivalent of the verbal "y'know" that punctuates some people's conversations

And?

Again, if you get so riled about other people's choice of wording that you have to berate them, the internet is really not for you.

People don't exist purely to make their posts easy on your delicate eyes 'pet'.

I guess, but what happens after the question?

Sometimes it's easier to just leave it and let it unravel as it does. Talking about it would be unlikely to make me feel any better. I mean, we all already know Margery is being a jerk.

Yeah, surely it is better than ‘DH’

Half term still going there?

Er - she’s using these words in their correct context. And it’s you who’s derailing the thread with this nonsense. You don’t like the use of the word “hubby’ as a term of endearment. But your use of ‘poppet’ is derisory. Try sticking to the question the OP actually asked, and then we’ll all get along just fine ‘poppet’!!

maybe because, as she literally said in the opening post, tickets have all sold out now?

No answers to any of the questions you pose. So the best course of action is for the OP to ask. AS several posters have said previously there may be a simple explanation. But on the face of it the tickets were bought, all other in laws are going, and the OP didn’t know this until recently - she assumed it was just the siblings, which would be perfectly acceptable. But a couples night from which she has been excluded is not. And her DH seemingly knew she’d been excluded. It needs an honest conversation to sort it out.

I'd be fuming. I speak as someone who has had a lot of experience in weird inlaw behaviour on these lines. The only excuse would be if you are known not to be interested in whatever the ticket is for. But I think this is a real case of copying Michelle Obama (when they go low, we go high) and waving your husband off and wishing him a great evening. Easier said than done.

Talk to your partner that’s sounds way out of order, maybe it started off as just siblings then it ended up the partners saying that wanted to go but even so they should have then have included you, I would not be happy and I would definitely be talking to my hubby about it, to be fair I know he’d have flagged it up pretty much straight away and he wouldn’t feel comfortable going. Even if your husband still goes it needs to be addressed to stop it happening again in future.

I wouldn't feel annoyed at this point but I would be confused.

And I'd ask why you've not been asked? there could be a few different reasons as to why things have been done this way, but none really stack up tbf, if they knew it was a couples outing from the get go they should have let you know early on so you could get a ticket too? or if it became a couples outing later on they should have asked you then?

Just ask the SIL who arranged it, in person / on the phone would be better though, text messages can easily be misconstrued!

Unless there is animosity in your relationship with your in laws, it’s just plain mean to exclude you.

its fair that they’re paying for his ticket as it’s his birthday, maybe. I bought my brother a dinner voucher for a restaurant he likes, for his birthday and said that I hope that he and his wife enjoy it. To not ask you if you’d like to join, (albeit at your own cost) doesn’t make sense.

I think that the real issue is that your partner is not saying anything. Why is he not asking his own sister, why you are not included? How can he be OK to just crack on without you. I mean, if it were just a siblings thing, or a boys thing, that would make sense. Unless there is more to it, this does not make sense.