AIBU - sister and brother in law seemingly excluding me

[MarleneH]

Good evening all,
please advise me if I’m being unreasonable being annoyed?

my husbands sister (SIL) brought hubby a gift for his birthday last year to go to a concert in December. I found out last week that It’s not just hubby and sister in law going, it’s sister in law and her partner, and my brother in law and his partner - so couples night excluding me. My hubby is basically third wheeling.

do I have the right to feel annoyed? I feel excluded and disrespected tbh. I feel like I should have been asked.

it’s annoyed me because it’s basically hubby and his siblings plus their partners, but no one thought to ask me. I do not expect anyone to pay for me, but it would’ve been nice to have been asked and I could have sent over my money or booked my ticket. All sold out now so too late.

what would you do? Is it even worth me speaking to hubby?

Thanks
M x

I'd be a bit surprised that DH isn't raising this issue himself. Definitely warrants a discussion with you OP and one with his siblings. Why isn't he querying why you are being left out?

This 100%

Before you accuse anyone else of being ‘infantile’ you might want to look back at your last few posts. What have you actually brought to the discussion?

The OP should just ask the SIL (in person preferably or by telephone, but NOT via a message) why a ticket was purchased for everyone's partner except for her. It's a reasonable question. Unless they get the apologetic response 'we were gifted/won an odd number of tickets and you got the short straw, sorry' her husband should definitely not go.

Aside from a competition win, there's no excuse for this. Even if tickets are for a band OP openly hated, the SIL should have checked-in with 'we're all getting tickets for X, we assume you don't want to come?' And if it a money issue then an offer like 'I'm getting Y & Z tickets for X as a present, partners are invited too of course, but you guys will need to pay for your own ticket, if that's okay?'

I'll say again; the husband should not go. If I can be blunt, he should probably 'grow a pair' and have already asked his family why his wife was excluded. He should be telling his wife without prompting that he is not going to go to an event that so hurtfully excluded her.

Sounds like he's staying quiet because he actually wants to go to this gig and he's hopeful OP will overlook the slight and say 'oh but you should still go.' Don't say that. Make clear that going to events with siblings is one thing, but when all partners are invited except her someone is making a point, and not a very nice one. OP and her husband need to make a point too by husband not going and both of them calling out SIL on her behaviour and asking for an explanation. If you don't stand firm as a couple now, expect this kind of shite to continue.

My MIL and SIL used to exclude me all the time, and let me know to my face they were doing it. My MIL used to tell me that I wasn't her DD and she didn't want to do things with me, that you do with a DD. I am talking, go for a coffee, or shopping, not anything particularly intimate. My SIL used to throw her toys out of her pram if I did anything with my MIL. I was told I'm not family.

It hurt me for a long time, then I got over it.

Years later, my DC are their only DGC, and they get very upset when they are not included in the things we do. I don't facilitate any meet ups or anything with them, because as they told me.........I'm not their DD, I don't want to do things with them that you do with a DD, I'm not family.

I’m sorry to hear this OP. Definitely YANBU.

They could easily have contacted you and said ‘we are all going to xx event and were planning on clubbing together to get DH a ticket as a surprise. Appreciate you may already have sorted out a gift, but are you interested in joining in too?’

I can imagine this exact scenario happening on my partner’s side (they actually excluded me from a party for his birthday 😂) so I can easily imagine that they would do the same. We haven’t fallen out, we just don’t have much in common.

However there’s no way I’d book a ticket for my brother without at least asking his wife first if she wants to join and giving her the opportunity to say no! I know if I ever did mistakenly do that, my brother would also straight away say to me ‘what about SIL?’

Hope you are ok. You should definitely plan something really lovely for yourself on that particular day is you may find you’re feeling quite upset.

They’re selfish and inconsiderate. Also not your husbands problem or fault so shouldn’t be penalised for it. He should maybe ask then why they didn’t think to invite you and make them aware.

Methinks it’s very much the husband’s problem and fault. How else have they managed to keep it quiet for this long ?

@Rosscameasdoody

hmm, not really. Think how it played out at Christmas as he opens it

”love this band”

“me too will be so much fun”

“can’t wait”

the OP and DH assume it’s the two of them.

months roll by and here they are planning it and realisation hits. They’ve probably not really discussed it as it was gifted 11 months ago. DH realises he too isn’t just going with one sibling. Too late to get more tickets.

They excluded you at his birthday party!? How did they even explain their reasoning behind that!

Have you even read the original post. The OP isn’t saying she’s upset that they didn’t buy her a ticket or that all siblings are going- she’s upset that her partners siblings… are taking their partners and she wasn’t even given a thought. That’s excluding and really nasty.

His ticket was a birthday gift...right..?
So why would they buy you a ticket..? It's not your birthday.
Plus, I can't believe you haven't chatted to your hubby about it ,

I don't think it was a good birthday gift as it has lead to OP feeling rejected. It would be a great trip for all three couples to go on and to celebrate together, but excluding the OP is bound to lead to hard feelings. OP, I would feel bad about this too.

@labamba007 Well to be fair it was a very low key gathering at one of their homes. They arranged a date to get together for 2 of DP’s relatives (one being a child) as well as my DP’s birthdays. They checked dates with everyone, DP told them the dates I could and couldn’t do and they picked a date that I had said I couldn’t do rather than trying to find a date we all could do in the end 😂

We’d had a bigger party for DP on his actual birthday and that the parents and sister came to as well but none of the others made the effort to come to, so I assume they thought it didn’t matter if I was there or not..

I think they are all very socially awkward and can only handle small cliquey gatherings amongst their own family who everyone has known for years and years! I came along much later than the other partners! I’d be curious to know if that’s the same for OP actually.

This is a good point, if they're all travelling together in a typical 5 seater car then there wouldn't be room for you without breaking up into separate parties and having 2 drivers.

Can 3 adults actually fit in the backseat of a car? They don't fit 2 car seats and a person!

Id be hurt by this too @MarleneH . Not much you can do though is there, I'd still want my dh to have a wonderful time. I'd pretend (or make) my own plans for that evening. I guess you know where you stand with the siblings going forward. I'd probably act breezy about it.

His own family, yes, sure, but not his siblings' partners as well, but not his own wife. That's just odd and rude.

Still no excuse and if my DH had agreed to excluding me for this reason, I’d be furious.

I can’t believe people don’t get this. If the three siblings were going together without their partners then yes, no problem. But the partners of the other two have been included and the partner of the birthday boy has been left out. And they’ve kept it quiet for so long, so OP’s DH must have known. But I agree, it needs a conversation with DH to find out why she was excluded. Anyone else curious about how the OP found out ?

Wasn’t Christmas, it was his birthday. And your post assumes a lot. And still doesn’t explain why the other two siblings were going as couples and the OP wasn’t even asked.

Are tickets still available? Were they?
Was your hubbies ticket a surprise?

I agree its odd, it would be odd for two siblings to go and leave out a third.
I am wondering if they asked him in advance...do you want to see X for your birthday, yes sure, just you or will your wife want to come, just me....and he didn't realise or ask of the other partners were going

@Jellytot1234
Have you read the original post? The OP was not privy to any of the discussion or planning around this event. She does not the SIl and BIL are being taken by their partners. She does not know if the couples are going as a group. She does not know if having discovered that they each were going to be at the same event, the SIL and BIL did not just decide to buy their brother a ticket as a gift.

It is what the OP does not know or indicate that might come close to possibly suggestion exclusion . However, she does suggest that prior to this that the relationship with her SIL and BIL has been positive. What then would be her reason for thinking that they had purposely excluded her?

Spoken with DH, I dare not say hubby 🤣🤣, he has spoken with SIL who said she thought it wasn’t my ‘thing’. (Nothing to do with 5 seater cars lol). Ps me and SIL have never had a problem. We have DC the same age and socialise a lot.
me and HUBS have been married 7 years, so no I am not ‘new’ lol. SIL & BIL are a fair bit younger than us.

Even if it wasn’t my ‘thing’ I would’ve been more than happy to purchase myself a ticket - they were £33.

even if not my ‘thing’, I would’ve liked to have been asked.

@Mari9999 as stated before, numerous times, they are going as a group in couples yes. You seem to be repeating yourself an awful lot.