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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you saw this parent on a train?

191 replies

rocknrollaa · 31/10/2023 18:12

On the train today, I saw a mother with 3 kids was really losing her temper with them. The kids were just being kids - talking quite loudly, getting out of their seats sometimes - nothing bad, just a bit excitable.

But mum was really telling them off - for the whole journey of about half an hour, all you could hear from her were loud angry commands to sit down, shut up, threats that they are not going to go trick or treating, etc. She didn't say a single thing to them that wasn't a command or telling them off, and her voice was loud and angry.

At one point the eldest, probably about 8/9, got very upset with her mum who told her she couldn't go trick or treating.

The child was crying, she said ' I was just starting to feel happy again and then you told me off again'. Mum replied loudly 'Stop being naughty then. Why the bloody hell are you only happy when you're bad?! I SWEAR DOWN you're not going trick or treating tonight', then the kid started crying.

We didn't intervene but we felt really sorry for these kids. It was serious shouting and they really weren't misbehaving much at all.

It got me thinking what I would do if I actually saw her hit one of the kids (because I felt like she was on the verge of it, but didn't).

Would you intervene? If so how?

YABU - No I wouldn't intervene - it's her business how she parents her kids.
YANBU - Yes I would intervene (please comment what you'd do)

OP posts:
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Original poster
rocknrollaa · 31/10/2023 18:13

(Just to be clear, she didn't hit the children, but I felt like she was quite unstable/ unpredictable emotionally and might).

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 31/10/2023 18:20

I would have asked her if she needs any help. Sounds like she's at the end of her tether

BitofaStramash · 31/10/2023 18:23

I'd have felt really sorry for her. You are only seeing a snapshot.

And she didn't hit them so you'd have no business intervening.

Original poster
rocknrollaa · 31/10/2023 18:23

Maddy70 · 31/10/2023 18:20

I would have asked her if she needs any help. Sounds like she's at the end of her tether

What kind of help do you think she might need that I could offer her?

OP posts:
Original poster
rocknrollaa · 31/10/2023 18:24

BitofaStramash · 31/10/2023 18:23

I'd have felt really sorry for her. You are only seeing a snapshot.

And she didn't hit them so you'd have no business intervening.

I did feel sorry for her, but I was more worried about the children.

She didn't hit them but she spent half an hour relentlessly telling them off for nothing, and made one of them cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
rocknrollaa · 31/10/2023 18:30

She did yank one of them back to their seat by the arm quite harshly at one point, and shouted "I said SIT down!' Her voice was really snarly (and they weren't even properly standing, just raised their bottom from the seat by about an inch to look at something).

There was just an edge to her voice that me and my DH both found really uncomfortable - it wasn't like a normal tired out parent losing their rag. There was a nastiness to it.

OP posts:
Flapjacker48 · 31/10/2023 18:32

And look at the amount of people who come on places like MN complaining that parents don't control their dc on public transport!

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 31/10/2023 18:33

You have no idea how those children had been prior to getting on the train. Perhaps they've been playing up all day and Mum was at the end of her tether.

She was just telling them to stop causing a disturbance to others. If she'd hit them then, yes, that would be different. But she didn't. She just told them to behave and gave them consequences

Labradoodlie · 31/10/2023 18:35

I’d assume she’d had a crappy day, they’d been playing up, and she really needed them to just flipping be quiet and listen.

Onelifeonly · 31/10/2023 18:35

She sounds extremely stressed but also oblivious of how she should appear in public - most people would tone it down, surely? I'd worry about what happened behind closed doors. But not sure there's anything you could have done since you don't know who she is.

fluffypotatoes · 31/10/2023 18:36

She didn't hit them. So whats the point of wondering what if.

Original poster
rocknrollaa · 31/10/2023 18:38

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 31/10/2023 18:33

You have no idea how those children had been prior to getting on the train. Perhaps they've been playing up all day and Mum was at the end of her tether.

She was just telling them to stop causing a disturbance to others. If she'd hit them then, yes, that would be different. But she didn't. She just told them to behave and gave them consequences

I understand what you are saying, but she did harshly drag one of them into his seat by his arm. It was a relentless stream of commands and shouting, for for half an hour, at kids who were not actually misbehaving. I'd say it wasn't normal for a tired parent even at the end of their tether. There wasn't a single nice word. The kids were trying to play I Spy and were still being told off.

I'm not sure I quite captured the situation properly reading back my post.

She was quite snarly and scary. Me and DH both thought she was about to/ was perfectly capably of hitting one of them and like I said, they weren't actually misbehaving.

OP posts:
Pussygaloregalapagos · 31/10/2023 18:38

Mmm, not sure. Maybe engage her in conversation and try to lighten her mood: I remember yelling at my 3 when they were younger. I was always at the end of that tether!

RubyBoozeDay · 31/10/2023 18:39

You have made a judgement on this woman, based on a short train journey. Do you have children? Have they ever driven you up the wall with their constant misbehaving? It's not bad parenting. She didn't hit them. Maybe you could have engaged the older child in conversation about Halloween or something, instead of silently condemning the mother.

Myfabby · 31/10/2023 18:40

do you have children?

Totaly · 31/10/2023 18:40

Wow, mum attempting to get her children to behave - maybe you have much lower standards? Maybe she knew what one thing would lead to and was trying to prevent it? Maybe she’s just left a toxic relationship and was stressed?

Wouldn’t have stepped in.

Brefugee · 31/10/2023 18:41

you have no idea what had been going on.

And you know that trains are full of judgy fuckers if your child even breathes loudly.

Lavender14 · 31/10/2023 18:41

So she's on public transport, juggling 3 kids on her own, clearly stressed to the max. I'd feel sorry for her and assume she's doing the best she can at the time. I know there's times where I've had a migraine, felt completely over stimulated and overwhelmed as a parent and have lost my temper. It wasn't my finest moment it doesn't happen often but its called being human. You've no idea what's going on with her so why judge instead of offer to help or distract her kids for a bit.

Original poster
rocknrollaa · 31/10/2023 18:42

RubyBoozeDay · 31/10/2023 18:39

You have made a judgement on this woman, based on a short train journey. Do you have children? Have they ever driven you up the wall with their constant misbehaving? It's not bad parenting. She didn't hit them. Maybe you could have engaged the older child in conversation about Halloween or something, instead of silently condemning the mother.

Yes and yes - but I would still say the way she was behaving was unusual.

To be honest I was scared of getting involved in any way whatsoever because I think her anger would have been redirected at me.

I wasn't 'silently condemning' her at all - like I said above, I felt sorry for her, there is obviously something wrong. But children are always going to be a higher concern.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 31/10/2023 18:44

you have condemned here here. Keep your unnecessary judgy opinion to yourself and the world will be a happier place

Cadenza12 · 31/10/2023 18:44

Once saw a mum slap a child around the face in a pub. Followed them home, reported to SS. Never heard back.

SallyWD · 31/10/2023 18:51

I understand OP. Stuff like this really upsets me. I don't agree that she's just a stressed mum - you can tell the difference between a good but frazzled mum and one who's borderline abusive. You can sense it.
To be honest, I don't think I'd have done anything because what can you do? I once saw an absolutely awful mother and it made my blood run cold but at that moment I couldn't think of a single thing to do that would help.

Rantsandpants · 31/10/2023 18:51

I’m amazed at the hard time you are getting here OP. She sounds emotionally abusive. A bully. It doesn’t matter how bad children behave (and it sounds like these kids were perfectly well behaved), they don’t deserve constant shouting. I don’t think intervention would have helped the situation as she would have likely turned on you or taken it out on the kids later.

Changingplace · 31/10/2023 18:56

Flapjacker48 · 31/10/2023 18:32

And look at the amount of people who come on places like MN complaining that parents don't control their dc on public transport!

Exactly, parents can’t win, if she’d ignored them all while they ran about & screamed people would whinge too.

I feel sorry for her but sounds like they’d been very trying and she didn’t harm them so what was the alternative, ignore them?

Malarandras · 31/10/2023 19:00

You don’t know anything about this woman or her children, you only saw 30 minutes of their lives. She wasn’t violent, if she was you would obviously have called the police. Otherwise there is nothing you can reasonably do.

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