If you saw this parent on a train?

[rocknrollaa]

On the train today, I saw a mother with 3 kids was really losing her temper with them. The kids were just being kids - talking quite loudly, getting out of their seats sometimes - nothing bad, just a bit excitable.

But mum was really telling them off - for the whole journey of about half an hour, all you could hear from her were loud angry commands to sit down, shut up, threats that they are not going to go trick or treating, etc. She didn't say a single thing to them that wasn't a command or telling them off, and her voice was loud and angry.

At one point the eldest, probably about 8/9, got very upset with her mum who told her she couldn't go trick or treating.

The child was crying, she said ' I was just starting to feel happy again and then you told me off again'. Mum replied loudly 'Stop being naughty then. Why the bloody hell are you only happy when you're bad?! I SWEAR DOWN you're not going trick or treating tonight', then the kid started crying.

We didn't intervene but we felt really sorry for these kids. It was serious shouting and they really weren't misbehaving much at all.

It got me thinking what I would do if I actually saw her hit one of the kids (because I felt like she was on the verge of it, but didn't).

Would you intervene? If so how?

YABU - No I wouldn't intervene - it's her business how she parents her kids.
YANBU - Yes I would intervene (please comment what you'd do)

I was on a train once and the dad was shouting awfully to his small kids, again they weren’t even being naughty. He was also swearing loudly at them really aggressive and unnecessary. I couldn’t help myself and told him to stop it! He told me to keep my nose out but it kind of worked as he was quiet the rest of the journey. And he went the long way to get off the train to avoid me. I think somethings people are so unaware of their behaviours calling them out isn’t a bad thing.

I never know what to do in these situations. You don't know whether they are just having a bad day or what you are seeing is actually a good day. Unfortunately if they aren't hitting or threatening or being outright verbally abusive, there is little you can do in passing. You walk away feeling uneasy and guilty.

The response to that would probably be "fuck off and mind your own". People in that sort of state often react badly to being offered help, because they think it makes them failures.

But the kids weren't misbehaving.

Maybe mind your business and leave her to parent her children the way she feels like. You would be the first to moan on here if her kids were running riot in the train and she said nothing 🙄🙄

Serves you right! #stalker

I often wonder what people think of me hissing at my two in public. DS1 is very sensory (ND), gets overwhelmed and his idea of a coping strategy is constant niggling at DS2. Added to that, his spatial awareness isn't great so I'm coping with directing him around, and him bouncing off me because he doesn't walk in a straight line and sending my stress levels up. So I probably look like I'm overreacting to very trivial things, but it may well have been grinding for a while and I'm trying to stop the trivial from escalating into full-scale sibling bickering or howling meltdowns.
It's much easier to be a nice, fun parent at home when he's unwound and he's back in his comfort zone. For many families, out and about is not their best angle, and they're not necessarily worse behind closed doors.

Unrelated threats of cancelling trick or treating are not ideal strategies, but no one's perfect and one snap shot is not enough to judge whether it's an isolated stressful moment, or more problematic, damaging relationship. DS2 can often make dramatic, hyperbolic statements; it doesn't mean it's the truth if he declares things like he's dying, or it's the worst day ever.

If it's a parent that I see regularly being overbearing and damagingly critical at my youth groups, that's a different matter and there are safeguarding pathways to go through. TBH even with knowing who and referring on to trained specialists, it's still a pretty tricky concern for investigation and follow-up.

Loads of arseholes piling on here OP. I can imagine how unnerving it was by your description. I do agree there's not much you could do. Some people are just terribly unsuited to having kids, but I hope she was having a terrible day and is usually OK.

And I bet that you'd be the first to moan that "someone should have done something" if one of those children later made the news.

@rocknrollaa I will say - if it’s any comfort! - that 90% of the bad parenting I’ve ever (sadly!) done in public, and I believe at least 75% of the bad parenting I’ve ever SEEN in public is due to embarrassment.

It doesn’t make what she was doing to those children right, but I offer my explanation to say that perhaps this is NOT her default whatsoever. She may have encountered a stern elderly man at the start of their trip who gave her a “why did you have more than one child” response, or just been visiting the in-laws, and she’s in hyper parenting mode determined to Not Allow Them To Make a Scene. (Yes. It makes far more of a scene!)

I know someone who is an absolute teddy bear and turns into somewhat of a dragon with children when ANYONE else is around… often to the point where I’ve observed the children left baffled as brand new rules are allegedly broken and manners they’ve never been taught are laid down like they’ve broken every law of society. It’s very confusing for the children, and it seems to stem from a determination on the part of the adult to “look superior” or “prove their class” or something like that.

So I do say all that to say MAYBE the scary woman was simply out to prove she is NOT like all those parents who let their children go wild on the train… and the children themselves were the collateral damage. It’s sad; it’s unacceptable; it’s absolutely not right; but it may not mean she is like this “normally”.

She's trying to control her kids. I wish more parents did.

Controlling 3 kids must be bloody hard work the poor woman

@DdraigGoch actually I know to mind my business and let parents discipline their children as they see fit . I am not a busybody who feels the need to educate another parent about parenting!

I think maybe offering help (it could be sitting with the kids so she gets a break) would be better than intervening some other way. Anyone can have a godawful day where they can't cope and there's no way to tell that's not the case here

So if that "disciplining" included use of force you'd just look the other way too?

But they weren't out of control.

I‘ve been this mum before. I took my 7 and 4 year old DC to visit my parents for a week and they were horrifically behaved the whole time. It was embarrassing and draining.

If we would have got the train home, this would have been me.

Instead we flew. I snapped at my 4 year old who kept running off as we were going through the gate. The man at the gate checked our boarding passes and wished me a nice journey. I said ‘I‘ll try‘. He then said ‘take care of each other‘. In that moment I knew he had seen me struggle and be unkind to my DD and it snapped me out of it.

He had no idea if I was just an evil mother or having a hard time. With just one sentence he treated ne with kindness and I think of it often when I can feel myself losing my rag

I'd have hated that op but I'm not sure there's anything you could have done.

I was once sat on a train and overheard a woman and her young (about 5/6yo) dd talking, the little girl said 'you have to love me mummy' and the woman turned round and said 'well I don't'

I nearly burst into tears, it was so awful and cold.

Poor kid.

I agree - sometimes people need to know that their behaviour is being judged and isn't ok. I think it is also important for children to know that the way they are being treated isn't "normal".

I remember one poster recounting an experience where a stranger told her mother off for hitting her. It didn't stop the abuse but played an important part in helping her realise that the way her mother was treating her was unacceptable.

weve Just seen a screenshot of a moment of their life. I deffo wouldn’t intervene or report to ss because she’s not done anything wrong.

also sometimes kids do need a smack - nothing crazy but it’s effective at times

@Babochan88 Kids never ‘need a smack’, wtf?

No they don't, not ever.

I've seen similar, @rocknrollaa, and it's horrible. I don't think there's anything you can do, but it's awful to think that some children grow up with endless negativity. I'm all in favour of children being taught how to behave, but you can do it in a positive way. I used to take my children (who were not angels, and one of whom has additional needs) on a 9 hr train journey to see my parents, and managed to keep them seated and reasonably well behaved without relentless negativity.

I have intervened before but I wouldnt have on this occasion. She was trying to get her kids to sit down, be quiet and respect other passengers. She sounds tired and frustrated. She would have been better to play eye spy with them. I think everyone has moments where they think fuck I could have managed that better.

I saw a parent hit thier child with a closed fist. I contacted the school and did a safeguarding report. I knew the boys name because the mum was screaming it and gave a description and the road name. The safeguarding lead knew exactly who I was talking about.

Ah do you also think a wife or husband sometimes deserves to be hit? Or just kids? Genuinely interested