If you saw this parent on a train?

[rocknrollaa]

On the train today, I saw a mother with 3 kids was really losing her temper with them. The kids were just being kids - talking quite loudly, getting out of their seats sometimes - nothing bad, just a bit excitable.

But mum was really telling them off - for the whole journey of about half an hour, all you could hear from her were loud angry commands to sit down, shut up, threats that they are not going to go trick or treating, etc. She didn't say a single thing to them that wasn't a command or telling them off, and her voice was loud and angry.

At one point the eldest, probably about 8/9, got very upset with her mum who told her she couldn't go trick or treating.

The child was crying, she said ' I was just starting to feel happy again and then you told me off again'. Mum replied loudly 'Stop being naughty then. Why the bloody hell are you only happy when you're bad?! I SWEAR DOWN you're not going trick or treating tonight', then the kid started crying.

We didn't intervene but we felt really sorry for these kids. It was serious shouting and they really weren't misbehaving much at all.

It got me thinking what I would do if I actually saw her hit one of the kids (because I felt like she was on the verge of it, but didn't).

Would you intervene? If so how?

YABU - No I wouldn't intervene - it's her business how she parents her kids.
YANBU - Yes I would intervene (please comment what you'd do)

Really? Care to give an example?

Op - I think you're getting a hard time here. Even when I'm cross with my children I still make it clear that they are loved and I would never be mean to them. I tell them off but NEVER for a solid hour. I was in the supermarket at the weekend and some mum yelled at her kid in such a horrid tone I actually felt tears in my eyes thinking about how that poor kid felt. Some people are shit parents. I just hope those kids get lots of love from somewhere.

What would you say though? What would your supportive comment be?

I capitalised 'swear down' because she shouted it.

I am from a working class background myself.

They do at times. Not all kids but some and nothing crazy either

I get it OP - I hate seeing kids getting really told off/shouted at by aggressive adults, especially when they're doing nothing wrong. She sounds a bit unhinged.

I always think if they're like that in public what are they like in private?

I very rarely shout at my dc's and would never shout in public.

I think people saying 'Poor woman, I'd have offered her some help' are being incredibly naive and don't really understand the type of situation the OP is describing.

If a parent is struggling with a four-year-old whining for sweets while their toddler is announcing they've just wet themselves and a baby is screaming its head off, and the parent has reached the end of their tether and yelled at them all to shut the hell up, that would be a situation when it might be appropriate to offer the mother some help or sympathy. But that would be a very different situation. What the OP is describing is an hour of sustained anger and shouting over trivial things at children who are behaving perfectly normally and are old enough to have a conversation with.

I guarantee you that if the OP had 'offered her some help' she would have told the OP to fuck off and then shouted at the kids some more because they'd embarrassed her.

OP, I know exactly the kind of thing you mean and I've witnessed it myself years ago with a mother and father who were waiting for the same bus as me. They had two kids, a boy and a girl maybe around the six to eight age range, something like that. The kids were not being badly behaved, just a bit fidgety (which had no impact on anyone else, they weren't in anyone's way, as it was a bus stop; they were causing no hassle by standing up rather than sitting down). The mother just started shouting at them and barking orders over every, tiny, inconsequential thing while the father said absolutely nothing. The two things I particularly remember were that the little boy putting his hand out to touch a sticker someone had put on the bus stop pole and the mother snatching his hand away and snarling 'DON'T TOUCH THAT, IT'S DIRTY, YOU STUPID LITTLE BOY' right into his face and also at one point the little girl said 'How long until the bus comes?' and the boy said 'A hundred million years' and the girl laughed and said 'No, a thousand million billion' and they were both giggling and trying to think of massive numbers, and the mother suddenly shouted 'For god's sake, SHUT UP about the bloody bus times, I'm sick of hearing your stupid voices'.

At the time I lived in a pretty rough inner city area (and also one that was multicultural and with a lot of different norms for disciplining kids) but I found the whole thing chilling and the whole vibe really bothered me. At one point an elderly lady who was also waiting caught my eye and I could tell she was worried about it too but I don't think either of knew what on earth we could actually do - shouting at a kid isn't a police matter and if people are random strangers it's not like you can report them to social services - what would you say, 'Hello I saw someone being awful to their children but I don't know who they were or where they live, I just them getting on the 96 bus'? And there was no way any comment from me to the mother at the time was going to make things better for those kids, quite the contrary.

Don't hit kids, ffs

It’s legal millions do and will continue to do so

The kids were just being kids - talking quite loudly, getting out of their seats sometimes - nothing bad, just a bit excitable.

Parents can’t do anything right! You could easily have been one of those passengers who complain about hearing children talking and getting out of their seats. Maybe she didn’t want any arseholes kicking off with her because it would have been really upsetting, and this was the only way she felt she could prevent that from happening?

I agree - my children are teens now but when little they always found being out and about really difficult especially anything that was new and different. I was always a much better parent at home. Also I was a single parent so they went everywhere I went. Everywhere. And that was difficult in itself!

Kid sounds like a little brat? I just started to feel happy again? What a spoiled thing

This is really making me picture a family from the school I used to work in... Knowing what I know about them, I'd report it but you don't know the situation at all! It's very hard.

(Please just say you weren't in NW England 🫣)

Hitting a child is always ‘crazy.’ Luckily, it’s seen as the abuse it is in Scotland and is, in fact, illegal.

Interesting.

I'd be interested to see this overlaid with with family unit types, as I suspect the results would be massively influenced by the fact that women are overwhelmingly the majority of single parent families. The fact it's not there strikes me as disingenuous manipulation of the stats if I'm honest.

The gov stats from 2001-2006 and 2009 both show the mother as being over twice as likely to kill

Id like to see the proof for this - I seriously doubt this is correct.

I Wouldn't intervene

3 kids and she's probably at the end of her tether

There are days this could have been me.

You don't see the rest of her day and the other stresses in her life.

Those kids had likely been winding her up all day and you get where you've warned them not to so much as breathe out of turn.

Giving a consequence that a child won't go trick or treating if they don't behave is a pretty standard/reasonable consequence.

The gov stats from 2001-2006 and 2009 both show the mother as being over twice as likely to kill

Bollocks. Twice as likely to threaten to kill, yeah maybe

Yes I don’t think those stats can be true. Women in general are very low on stats on violence compared to men.

However I would likely be concerned as the op was. Anyone male or female if they are showing marked aggressive behaviour to a child.

No offence, but the stats are never good enough on here unless they say what people want them to.

Yes I don’t think those stats can be true. Women in general are very low on stats on violence compared to men.

And yet somehow people have seen all these women slapping and screaming at their kids. 🤔

Women aren't low on DV tbf. There are more studies showing the offending rate to be similar to that of men than there are the opposite. And 70% of non reciprocal DV is perpetrated by women. It's only really police/gov stats that show women to be waaay more victimised and this is likely down to men under reporting.

However, the violence men commit towards each other outnumbers everything else.

The responses are just contrary for the sake of it. If you’d posted this as a reverse they would be very different

I don’t agree with how she behaved but not telling them off for standing etc, some will judge and clearly at the end of her tether people judge.
my son’s autistic and can’t sit still and we always get looks on the train

Scholars of domestic violence from the U.S., Canada and the U.K. assembled The Partner Abuse State of Knowledge, a research database covering 1700 peer-reviewed studies, the largest of its kind. Among its findings:[66]

• Rates of female-perpetrated violence are higher than male-perpetrated (28.3% vs. 21.6%).
• Male dating students are abused more than female dating students.
• Male and female IPV are perpetrated from similar motives.
• Studies comparing men and women in the power/control motive have mixed results overall.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence_against_men