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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborns spending time with grandparents

242 replies

Th10 · 31/10/2023 17:26

Hi please let me know if I’m being unreasonable as I would like some perspective

I live with my partner and his parents who are lovely. I gave birth to twins at 28weeks who spent two months in the NICU. They have been home for around 6 weeks and they are three months old for context but only just reached full term.
Now that they are home my partner frequently takes them to their GP room without letting me know e.g if I go to the toilet or he’ll say I’m just taking them to my parents, which is fine but they will keep them for a couple of hours and if they are crying will come and ask for a dummy rather than give them back
i find this quite stressful but understand that they really want to spend time with the grandchildren and I am happy to do so particularly as I am living with them but I don’t feel comfortable when they are in their room and feel very stressed and anxious when they are away from me. I feel like every time I leave the Erik I am expected to pass over the babies
If I bring this up to my partner he will tell me I am overreacting or irrational.
can you advise how to go about this so they spend time with them but can you let me know if it is normal to feel this way even though they have been home for over a month?

OP posts:
Bouncyball23 · 02/11/2023 23:37

This is weird, tell dh to stop taking them in, tell him you will go and sit in the room with babies an grandparents when your ready too as if visiting them like you will when you move out. If he still takes them in simply walk in room pick them up and take them with you they are not play things and you don't need to ask for them back you just pick them up an say you coming with mummy or something along them lines.

Blondebrunette1 · 03/11/2023 02:13

You can tell who the posters without partners are. The leave him and this isn't going to get better responses are extremely OTT. You say you really get on well with them, and they're lovely, but I totally get your anxiety when you're separated from your babies, it does sound like you can be up front and totally honest with them about it though. Simply tell them, you really appreciate them and it might seem over the top but you're finding this difficult. If they are as lovely as you say, they'll be fine. Your partner not getting it, doesn't make him a bad person but he needs to understand and respect your feelings on this more. Xx

Codlingmoths · 03/11/2023 04:28

Blondebrunette1 · 03/11/2023 02:13

You can tell who the posters without partners are. The leave him and this isn't going to get better responses are extremely OTT. You say you really get on well with them, and they're lovely, but I totally get your anxiety when you're separated from your babies, it does sound like you can be up front and totally honest with them about it though. Simply tell them, you really appreciate them and it might seem over the top but you're finding this difficult. If they are as lovely as you say, they'll be fine. Your partner not getting it, doesn't make him a bad person but he needs to understand and respect your feelings on this more. Xx

His partner has given birth to and is caring for newborn premmie twins. He’s told her that if she wants to go on about this upsetting her that she should leave and leave her babies behind. This is more than a blip, my Dh would have been asked to leave if he’d ever ever said anything like that. It doesn’t sound like he’s being any support at all. This isn’t about the grandparents, this is about a man who instead of supporting his wife in what everyone knows is a very challenging exhausting time, he’s kicking her when she’s down.

HungryandIknowit · 03/11/2023 05:07

I agree with PP. His behaviour is awful and controlling, he sounds like a bully and is perhaps used to you agreeing to most things. I would leave and go to my mums. His behaviour will get worse now you have a higher priority and reasons to disagree with him more frequently. It is totally normal to want to be near your babies. It is also normal for a male partner to be understanding and supportive. His behaviour is not normal and is not ok. I wish you all the best.

junebirthdaygirl · 03/11/2023 05:32

This is so awful . Part of the protection for a new baby is the very strong feeling the mum has to be with them as much as possible. You are made like this so your babies are well cared for. It's very obvious in the animal kingdom where you touch their baby they could easily kill you. How much more is this true for mothers.
I haven't read all your responses but definitely do something different. Talk to your health visitor and if your dp doesn't listen to them go to your own parents as it sounds like he is trying to break you. That is the height of cruelty and actually dangerous for you and your babies.

Myfabby · 03/11/2023 05:40

Blondebrunette1 · 03/11/2023 02:13

You can tell who the posters without partners are. The leave him and this isn't going to get better responses are extremely OTT. You say you really get on well with them, and they're lovely, but I totally get your anxiety when you're separated from your babies, it does sound like you can be up front and totally honest with them about it though. Simply tell them, you really appreciate them and it might seem over the top but you're finding this difficult. If they are as lovely as you say, they'll be fine. Your partner not getting it, doesn't make him a bad person but he needs to understand and respect your feelings on this more. Xx

You can tell who the posters with low standards are, who will stay just to be able to say they have a partner in the face of abuse and threats. I do see some LTB threads over minor things and roll my eyes, but in this case!

Abusive men are NOT the prize.

Let's leave all the main facts aside (she's just had premature twins)

A man has just told his wife, if she upsets his mother, he will eject her
She is irrational, dramatic
cannot leave for a 'break' with thier children.

But it's ok, as he's not a bad person.

lwishyouwould · 03/11/2023 06:36

Blondebrunette1 · 03/11/2023 02:13

You can tell who the posters without partners are. The leave him and this isn't going to get better responses are extremely OTT. You say you really get on well with them, and they're lovely, but I totally get your anxiety when you're separated from your babies, it does sound like you can be up front and totally honest with them about it though. Simply tell them, you really appreciate them and it might seem over the top but you're finding this difficult. If they are as lovely as you say, they'll be fine. Your partner not getting it, doesn't make him a bad person but he needs to understand and respect your feelings on this more. Xx

If you think him calling her a psycho and crazy and threatening to stop her leaving with the babies is ok then you need to really think about your own standards and boundaries because it's worrying.

Mswest · 03/11/2023 06:45

You don't sound crazy at all what you are describing is totally natural. I don't think this set up will work though at all and I would have really struggled living with my lovely in laws at this stage (also twins). You need to sit down with your husband and seriously discuss, maybe even show him this thread as he won't understand as I think it is specific to mum's this feeling. Or get your own place asap. I really feel for you OP

LimboNovember · 03/11/2023 06:46

Op I feel for you, it's absolutely abhorrent what an awful man.

Yes they sound nice but it's also nice if they checked with you every time he takes them.

Hopefully the break with your mum will help clarify things for him.

Mswest · 03/11/2023 06:52

Ok sorry OP I just read your updates. I would 100% be going to my mum's. How he has reacted is very worrying. They will be fine in the car with a few stop offs. Once you are at your mum's you can arrange to meet him and maybe his mum to discuss where they then might take you a bit more seriously. His mum may have a word with him, as tbh she seems to be the priority in his eyes anyway. I can't imagine how stressful this must be not good for you at all.

Moonwatcher1234 · 03/11/2023 07:09

you live in an Annexe in their home and will rely on them for presumably free childcare soon. Those things are worth their weight in gold at this time with the cost of living out of control. I think you need to step back and look at the bigger picture here. You’re getting immense benefits from them - could you learn to tolerate them spending time with your babies in thru room? Which, to be frank, you do seem to have a bit of an over reaction to.

wednamenov · 03/11/2023 08:02

@Moonwatcher1234 I can't believe you said that. Have you read all the posts? She's absolutely not overreacting. These are tiny newborns who started out in NICU that she's breastfeeding. They are being taken away for long periods, without her permission, and their hunger queues being missed.

WickedSerious · 03/11/2023 08:33

Moonwatcher1234 · 03/11/2023 07:09

you live in an Annexe in their home and will rely on them for presumably free childcare soon. Those things are worth their weight in gold at this time with the cost of living out of control. I think you need to step back and look at the bigger picture here. You’re getting immense benefits from them - could you learn to tolerate them spending time with your babies in thru room? Which, to be frank, you do seem to have a bit of an over reaction to.

What a load of old toot.

Blondebrunette1 · 03/11/2023 09:37

@Codlingmoths @Myfabby @Iwishyouwould in fairness, I was referring to the initial responses to the first post where her partner a new dad himself didn't understand what she was going through. I've since gone through and seen why later posters feel this way and agree, this isn't a nice man who needs to understand more about maternal bond and how to support his wife, the threats toward her are clearly not acceptable or that of a loving and decent partner.

EarlGreywithLemon · 03/11/2023 10:27

Moonwatcher1234 · 03/11/2023 07:09

you live in an Annexe in their home and will rely on them for presumably free childcare soon. Those things are worth their weight in gold at this time with the cost of living out of control. I think you need to step back and look at the bigger picture here. You’re getting immense benefits from them - could you learn to tolerate them spending time with your babies in thru room? Which, to be frank, you do seem to have a bit of an over reaction to.

I’d say having a stress free, happy maternity where she is allowed to bond with her babies, enjoy them and just be their mother is worth way, way more.

I absolutely hate the way mothers are told to lump all sorts of rubbish in the name of free childcare and “the child’s relationship with grandparents”. The babies need their mother; the grandparents are a nice to have, but no more than that.

GabriellaMontez · 03/11/2023 10:48

Moonwatcher1234 · 03/11/2023 07:09

you live in an Annexe in their home and will rely on them for presumably free childcare soon. Those things are worth their weight in gold at this time with the cost of living out of control. I think you need to step back and look at the bigger picture here. You’re getting immense benefits from them - could you learn to tolerate them spending time with your babies in thru room? Which, to be frank, you do seem to have a bit of an over reaction to.

In what world is 'getting free childcare' more valuable than happy Mother, happy babies, fed when hungry, finally home from hospital...

Original poster
Th10 · 03/11/2023 12:14

Hi everyone I spoke to his mum who was absolutely fine with it she said initially she felt a bit hurt, but she understood the anxiety annd felt similar when she became a mum and thought she was helping and giving me a break. But both GP are fine with having them in the living room. I still haven’t spoken to my partner so just waiting to see my mum on saturday

again thank you everyone I am trying to reply to messages but busy with the babies x

OP posts:
tattygrl · 03/11/2023 12:17

Fantastic to hear that his parents are taking on board what you're saying. Your partner is still an abusive bastard so I really hope you manage to get away quickly and can start enjoying your maternity safely Flowers

GabriellaMontez · 03/11/2023 12:18

Did his Mum hear the way he spoke to you?

windypumpkin · 03/11/2023 12:25

You need to move out and establish yourself as a family unit. Why is he so scared to be alone with his own children? Very odd

Original poster
Th10 · 03/11/2023 12:38

its not so much an issue of not wanting to be with the children, but I feel like he want to share them with the GPs as he said that I have them all day!

OP posts:
WickedSerious · 03/11/2023 12:50

Th10 · 03/11/2023 12:38

its not so much an issue of not wanting to be with the children, but I feel like he want to share them with the GPs as he said that I have them all day!

He makes them sound like a tin of biscuits you've been hogging.

Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 03/11/2023 12:54

Of course you have them all day, they're newborns and they need you, their mother! This is simply what mammals do and I don't understand why your partner doesn't see that.

EarlGreywithLemon · 03/11/2023 12:54

You SHOULD be able to have them all day if you want to, OP! You are their mother. They’re not toys to share and take turns with.

Grandparents don’t have any rights to them. The latter is complicated by the fact that you live with the grandparents and feel you owe them in return. Plus, you’re on “their territory” so vulnerable to bullying and coercion. Hence why it would be much better if you had your own home for your own family unit where you can bring your babies up in peace.

mathanxiety · 03/11/2023 13:54

Blondebrunette1 · 03/11/2023 02:13

You can tell who the posters without partners are. The leave him and this isn't going to get better responses are extremely OTT. You say you really get on well with them, and they're lovely, but I totally get your anxiety when you're separated from your babies, it does sound like you can be up front and totally honest with them about it though. Simply tell them, you really appreciate them and it might seem over the top but you're finding this difficult. If they are as lovely as you say, they'll be fine. Your partner not getting it, doesn't make him a bad person but he needs to understand and respect your feelings on this more. Xx

Tell me you know nothing about domestic abuse without telling me you know nothing about domestic abuse, neither from experience nor from reading.

Also, check your misogyny.