Newborns spending time with grandparents

[Th10]

Hi please let me know if I’m being unreasonable as I would like some perspective

I live with my partner and his parents who are lovely. I gave birth to twins at 28weeks who spent two months in the NICU. They have been home for around 6 weeks and they are three months old for context but only just reached full term.
Now that they are home my partner frequently takes them to their GP room without letting me know e.g if I go to the toilet or he’ll say I’m just taking them to my parents, which is fine but they will keep them for a couple of hours and if they are crying will come and ask for a dummy rather than give them back
i find this quite stressful but understand that they really want to spend time with the grandchildren and I am happy to do so particularly as I am living with them but I don’t feel comfortable when they are in their room and feel very stressed and anxious when they are away from me. I feel like every time I leave the Erik I am expected to pass over the babies
If I bring this up to my partner he will tell me I am overreacting or irrational.
can you advise how to go about this so they spend time with them but can you let me know if it is normal to feel this way even though they have been home for over a month?

Not sure I’m getting the house “dynamics” I could understand if your DH was trying to give you a little break, but if your sharing a house you have certain communal areas, no? So for example you’re in the living room and GP’s say go and have a lie down and we’ll watch the babies. Then you are in control of the situation and can take back the reins when you’re ready But, to take them to their room is kind of weird imo. Is that usually where they hang out in the house? Or do you have separate living areas as well as bedrooms?

Reading your post OP gave me major anxiety! I have a nearly 3 month old and I feel so upset at the idea that your OH is doing this to you. You sound like a very kind reasonable person who has no issue allowing grandparents to be involved but this is stepping over a line and I’m surprised that your OH’s mother doesn’t think this is crossing a line! I’d never take a baby from its mother for that long at a time and not without knowing mum is okay with it! Please speak to your health visitor if you’re seeing them again soon and tell them what keeps happening and how much distress it’s causing you. You are NOT being unreasonable. I’m so surprised there are people here that think it’s totally okay to dismiss a new mothers feelings like this and have voted you’re being unreasonable.

@Coolmom81 It’s not that he’s trying to give me a break but he wants his parents to spend/have time with the babies. He does suggest I have breaks by going out by myself and leaving the babies with GPs but I did it only once and came back as I didn’t need the break and it wasn’t enjoyable. I think the GPs are trying to be kind (but would also love for me to leave the babies with them while I’m out). but it’s too early for me

we have the living room/conservatory where I take them and do give them to GPs in these areas but every time my partner takes them from our room, I’m having to get them back from their bedroom. My partner did say that he’s never given the babies to his parents in their room so they must be taking them in on their own accord

Me and my partner are basically in an annexe so there can be periods of not seeing each other plus the GM works different shifts

Some people’s responses saying your husband is being a bully are a bit OTT.

OP I don’t thjnk any of them wilk truly understand how you feel because what you’ve had is so so far from a normal birth and birthing experience. You’ll feel so much more anxious than a ‘normal’ mum because they’ve not faced nearly losing their babies in the way you have felt fear. I very much doubt your husband will be able to relate at this level either.

You’ve got through a trauma in a sense and I suspect everyone is simply trying to support you in the way they feel is best. Twins for most people and a newborn for anyway is exhausting. I suspect they all think they’re helping you and giving you a break.

Maybe speak to your MIL about your anxiety and how you’re feeling as I reckon she will appreciate your openness and want to support you as she sounds kind. She sounds like she will try to relate to your feelings.

Have you read all of OP's updates?

He's more than a bully, he's controlling, cruel and abusive.

The difficulty is that you all live under the one roof, so you want to keep the peace! Have a word with them and let them know that you feel anxious when they take them in to their room because it’s their personal space and so you feel like you’re being excluded from your own babies. I imagine it will probably be a bit awkward, but if you don’t it’s going to continue to upset you (I think I would feel the same in your shoes) Give it a few weeks and you’ll probably be glad of the break. Good luck!

Get out now!

He is a control freak! Please, please, please take the babies to your mums and don’t look back! Tell him you’re going somewhere else. But get out! He’s a narcissist and his behaviour will only get worse!

If you continue to stay with him, you will question yourself, become anxious and loose yourself.

Please, get out now. His behaviour is vile!

Your husband is a horrible cunt and a flying monkey to his parents. My god.

Oh OP, this is awful. Your husband is abusive and you need to get out.

Can several of your family members come as a group today and collect you and the babies and take you back to your Mums?

This.

@Th10 you say your family is supportive. Have you told them exactly what your husband has said to you?

If they are supportive, they will do whatever they can to get you out of that place as soon as possible. WITH your babies, who need their mum.

You can't possibly wait until Saturday OP, can someone not come over tonight and drive you and babies away from your arsehole abusive partner? You need urgent support you shouldn't feel trapped in your own home by someone who supposedly loves you.

OP, I had a prem baby who was in hospital for 2 months.

Honestly, it was the worst, most traumatising experience of my life- even though the care was excellent. There's something awful sitting day after day, watching you child in a plastic box, hooked up to machines. You just spend all your time willing them to be ok. Milestones are huge.

But by far the worst bit was leaving them to get some sleep- it was a deep visceral feeling that you were leaving your baby behind.

I absolutely think you are being reasonable wanting to keep your babies in your sight. With time, this feeling does fade- but for now, you have been through a terrible time and it's fine to feel this way.

I do not think your partner is behaving in a reasonable way.

In the meantime, spend your time putting stuff together that you and your mum can quickly pack. Ask her to bring large bags and/or boxes.

If your partner tries to stop you, call the police.

Tell them that you are fleeing a domestic abuse situation with your babies, that your partner has threatened you with throwing you out of your home in an effort to control and coerce you, and you are trying to leave.

If he escalates the situation after you leave, call the police again, and ask how to get a non molestation order.

@Th10, your fear of escalation is probably justified. However, your chosen method of dealing with the danger he poses is based on an illusion that you can control events by staying where he wants you. This illusion of control is very common among women who are victims of coercive control. The reality is that he is in the driving seat here. You are the terrified passenger. You have the map. You know where you should be going but you are powerless to steer the car and you can't reach the pedals.

Get out! Stay out! You have rights and there are ways you can get free and stay free of this abuser.

If you're OK with leaving and taking the babies with just the clothes on your back and the babies medical records, then that would probably be the safest way to leave.

You can always buy replacements of baby equipment, etc.

But you must leave.
You cannot change the man you are dealing with. He will not see things differently if only you wait it out or be extra nice or compliant or obliging. He has no interest in a happy relationship or buying a home together.

Take that leap. Get a non molestation order. Do not go back.

He is back from work and he’s seen the babies but we haven’t spoken and sure it’ll be like this until the weekend. If I can manage until then it will be less stress then leaving at short notice. Now that I have spoken to his dad who understood how I felt, I am confident that his mum will understand where I’m coming from. But even so, I can’t be with him after seeing that behaviour so will talk to my mum on Saturday and get a plan in place
thank you everyone I really appreciate your advice and comments it has been really helpful xx

Well done OP.

As a side note, your babies would be fine travelling for 2 hours. Do you have a car or would you be travelling by public transport? Sorry if you’ve said already.

Also, don’t tell him you’re leaving on Saturday and pack essentials then keep the bag(s) out of sight. Have you got Red Books for the little ones? Medical notes etc? Pop those in your bag too along with any medication. Contact your HV to tell her what’s going on and that you’ll be away for a while.

@Lolapusht oh thank you that’s good to know about the car seats. I’m travelling by car
I have all the medical records and have a visit from the HV tomorrow so will discuss everything with her

Like so many @mathanxiety is always really solid wise advice.

His parents sound like reasonable people.

I don't know how I would ever look at my son again if I knew he could make such a threat.

Unfathomable.

Please fully involve your parents and the police if necessary.

Threatening your partner in this way is so highly abusive.

His behaviour is so not normal.

Please know this.

Your feelings are completely normal. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I wouldn't have been able to cope with this, and I didn't have the trauma you did with early birth. I understand your feeling awkward though, but you need to perhaps talk to your mil? She might understand if you explain you feel anxious that they need you when they are distressed and it's making you upset and anxious. She would surely understand more than the men.

Another vote for you are not being unreasonable at all, your partner does sound like a bully and you’re incredibly brave for seeking help from the health visitor and your mum. Best thing you can do is also keep a log of his behaviour or better yet get your mum to so he can’t find it, and obviously keep HV in the loop to, so if it does get worse and he tries to take the babies from you at your mums you have something to back it up to.

Does he work? Sorry if I’ve missed that bit, you can also arrange HV visits for when he’s not there and if he’s working it’ll be easier for you to go to your mums xx

Sending you my support I really hope you get to leave on Saturday ❤️

I'm sickened by the way he spoke to you. This man is not your partner. He's vile.

Get out.

The way you feel when he takes your babies away is normal and healthy. You don't need to get over it.

Suggesting you leave your tiny babies behind is just awful. If he looks like trying to stop you you call the police immediately. They will help you.

This is a very damaging set up for new born babies and you as their mum OP. This should be a very special time where what you say goes. Mum knows best, dad does not. He needs to get back in his box.

You are absolutely right to get some space away from this controlling arsehole. This is a very precious vulnerable time for you and your babies and he should be supporting you and your wishes 110%, not threatening you and causing you stress! Bond with your babies at your mums house.