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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 01/11/2023 23:33

For those who haven’t bothered to read all of OP’s posts there has been abuse to which the mother ignored

Mistystar99 · 01/11/2023 23:36

I've read all the OP's posts (there aren't that many!) and if I were her I might be inclined to advise her mother to go have Christmas with all the abuse apologists who have offered succour on this thread!

pollymere · 01/11/2023 23:37

I got ganged up on work over Christmas leave one year. Unfortunately it was my Mum's last Christmas and my Grans too. My biggest regret is not telling work colleagues that was a possibility and only having half of Christmas Eve up until Boxing Day with them.

I think it will be your brother who will end up regretting all those years of excuses- enjoy it while you still have the chance.

Original poster
christmasstollen · 01/11/2023 23:55

I have read every comment and I have to say I did wonder whether my updates had actually posted, but anyway...

UPDATE AHEAD:

I could write a 500 page novel of all the transgressions my mum has made but as one poster already knew, she does just enough to not cross the line and be cut off. Going away (even in the UK) is not an option with my DH's failing health and I wouldn't enjoy being in a strange place either.

I took advice and asked the DC what they thought, they unanimously said they were worried it truly was their DGM's last Christmas and they couldn't live with it if it was. (And for me there was already a degree of guilt I'd done the wrong thing and I felt cowardly). Anyway they agreed to 100% step up with lifts, cooking, cleaning, meal prep etc and to take as much of the workload off me as they could, they are also worried about their dad as his health has also declined rapidly this year.

So I bit the bullet and called mum and said as enthusiastically as I could we would love to have you for Christmas. Some sort of higher power had already intervened as she happily told me that DB was thinking of breaking up with his GF and staying with mum for Christmas! So the entire problem vanished. I have invited a big group of family to our home a couple of days after Christmas and I will do an easy buffet spread.

Thank you again to all those that took the time to read my posts and honestly comment on what I should do. (And in the New Year I will be looking up FOG as a few people mentioned it and it looks worthwhile to educate myself on).

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 01/11/2023 23:55

@pollymere enjoy the abuse?

Someoneonlyyouknow · 02/11/2023 00:10

Oh well done OP. I was going to suggest you should do what you most want, invite your mother if you think you will feel uncomfortably guilty if you don't. I also think that, as your brother feels no compunction about leaving you with the hosting burden every year, you should invite your delightful SiL if you want to.

Perky1 · 02/11/2023 00:54

Please have your mum for Christmas. I lost mine at 12 and would love to have just one minute with her.

PrincessFiorimonde · 02/11/2023 01:08

OP, I've just seen your update at 23.55 and am really pleased this works out for you.

Best wishes to you Flowers

StellaLaBella · 02/11/2023 03:18

Perky1 · 02/11/2023 00:54

Please have your mum for Christmas. I lost mine at 12 and would love to have just one minute with her.

For the LOVE OF GOD

Gemma2003 · 02/11/2023 05:08

It seems you are mad at your siblings, but the fall out hits your Mum. You don't give any reason why you can't host your Mum, other than the fact that laundry and cleaning etc. The main reason seems to be you think your siblings aren't doing their fair share.

That is not really relevant. She is your Mum. Many of us would give anything to be able to host our mothers at Christmas. I would. I have been where you are - been the one for years to host everyone with no thanks and no contribution.

But I would give anything to have my Mum walk through the door one more time. You may not have your Mum much longer. Please put aside your resentment towards your siblings and think of your Mum.

Nubnut · 02/11/2023 06:20

I originally said YABU then read all the OP posts and changed my vote.
sorry OP is you feel bad by all the YABU votes, I don’t think they’re realistic, just based on your first post.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 02/11/2023 06:58

Gemma2003 · 02/11/2023 05:08

It seems you are mad at your siblings, but the fall out hits your Mum. You don't give any reason why you can't host your Mum, other than the fact that laundry and cleaning etc. The main reason seems to be you think your siblings aren't doing their fair share.

That is not really relevant. She is your Mum. Many of us would give anything to be able to host our mothers at Christmas. I would. I have been where you are - been the one for years to host everyone with no thanks and no contribution.

But I would give anything to have my Mum walk through the door one more time. You may not have your Mum much longer. Please put aside your resentment towards your siblings and think of your Mum.

In the name of all that is holy please can the op or thread title be edited!!!??

AngeloMysterioso · 02/11/2023 07:05

Gemma2003 · 02/11/2023 05:08

It seems you are mad at your siblings, but the fall out hits your Mum. You don't give any reason why you can't host your Mum, other than the fact that laundry and cleaning etc. The main reason seems to be you think your siblings aren't doing their fair share.

That is not really relevant. She is your Mum. Many of us would give anything to be able to host our mothers at Christmas. I would. I have been where you are - been the one for years to host everyone with no thanks and no contribution.

But I would give anything to have my Mum walk through the door one more time. You may not have your Mum much longer. Please put aside your resentment towards your siblings and think of your Mum.

I fucking hate this guilt trippy shit.

Try to imagine a world in which every mum is not like your mum. Then STFU.

Ramalangadingdong · 02/11/2023 07:09

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 02/11/2023 06:58

In the name of all that is holy please can the op or thread title be edited!!!??

Show quote history

Perhaps you should let it go and save yourself the stress of being bothered by it. Op doesn’t seem that bothered. Who has time to read through every message on every thread? That would make MN a full time job rather than a way to pass the time on long train journeys etc.

crumblingschools · 02/11/2023 07:13

@Ramalangadingdong you just have to read the OP’s posts or indeed the latest few. When a thread has got beyond 20 pages there is more likely to be additional info and if there isn’t, who needs to post the same thing 100 other people have posted.

People guilt tripping the OP are awful when there has been abuse in the family

ilovesooty · 02/11/2023 07:17

I'm glad there's now a resolution @christmasstollen

I hope you have a good Christmas.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 02/11/2023 07:21

OP, the fact that you are even questioning what to do is your answer right there.

You really don't want to do this. So don't do it.

Your mother has a backup plan with Sil so she won't be spending the day alone.

No need to feel guilty, have a relaxing day doing what makes you happy. You're not responsible for anyone else's day or expectations.

Hustler299 · 02/11/2023 07:31

I think you should host. Imagine how this has made your mum feel. I'd hate to think that my kids would argue over who didn't want to host me when I'm in my 90s. As you have said, this could potentially be her last Christmas and I would give anything for one more with my dad. As for your siblings, shame on the three of them!

Sugarfree23 · 02/11/2023 07:39

Just saw your update - result!
Glad DB is stepping up to the plate.

You sound like you deserve a Christmas to suit you and DH.

What does it mean for ex-sil ? Does it mean she'll be alone? Does she have other family or friends to go to?

Wexone · 02/11/2023 07:53

Jillybloop393 · 01/11/2023 23:11

Hi Ponoka7,
To be totally honest with you, I stopped reading them because I found it so upsetting that the op was willing to leave her poor old mum alone on Christmas day, seemingly to spite her brother. It was just sooooo mean. My mum died four years ago - I'd give anything to have her back. However, I was aware that I hadn't read all the posts, and that there might well have been something historic that caused the bad feeling, hence me apologising, and saying that I didn't know the full story. I presume there was probably a good reason. I do hope so.

Show quote history

You need to go back and read ALL of ops replies

Luddite26 · 02/11/2023 08:10

Of course DB can be relied on to carry out his threats.

SnozPoz · 02/11/2023 08:38

I had a not dissimilar situation with my elderly parents and siblings, and the way I found peace was to discard all thoughts of unfairness and annoyance and tell myself I have to do whatever I need to do to be able to live with myself once my parents are gone. I needed to care for them in the best way I could, in the way they deserved in their twilight years. My siblings will have to live with their actions... I have to live with mine. No regrets here. Host your mum, make her feel loved... don't worry about notching up the brownie points or sibling rivalry, or getting no thanks.

crumblingschools · 02/11/2023 08:41

@SnozPoz did your situation involve abuse?

Icecreamlover63 · 02/11/2023 08:51

Good morning
After reading this thread I can fully understand your siblings upset and resentful behaviour. I do think it would have given you a more balanced view if you had mentioned it from the outset. I still think it’s sad your mum may be in her own over Christmas but if I was you I’d be just as torn. Maybe do it this year to appease everyone then next year go abroad and have a bloody good time with the ones you are closest to. I’m not seeing either of my children this Christmas one is travelling and the other will have a week old baby. I’ve booked a very nice restaurant for me and hubby then off to my cousins for lots of fun! I’m sad I’m not seeing my kids but delighted that we have a beautiful relationship that lasts all year and not on just one day. X

Beangrove · 02/11/2023 08:53

Christ if I hear 'poor 90 year old mum' one more time! My mum isn't even half as bad as OPs mum but I still struggle with my relationship with her as she heads towards old age. I really don't understand the deification of mothers on here - they are just people, some are amazing, some are vile horrible humans, not all make sacrifices for their children or do their best for them. Being old doesn't magically make you any less of a cunt if that's what you've always been, or give you a free pass for all the horrible things you've done to your children.