Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

I'm assuming your a different type of mother than ops got.

Ops mother has come on to her husband and also when ops siblings told their mother they were being abused by their uncle. You wouldn't tell your children to shut up day nothing and let the abuse continue.

You reap what you do if this was a dad I doubt there would be so any Ahhh poor guy and people asking op to be the bigger person ..

Have you even read the thread? The siblings were sexually abused ffs

It might be the most outrageous suggestion yet made on this thread that OP should try to guilt-trip abuse survivors into looking after their abuse enabler.

Yep. This is truly disturbing.

It doesn’t seem like a great assumption given that she’s so oblivious to the emotional burden that OP has carried and thinks it appropriate to add to the emotional blackmail on this thread. It goes hand in hand with OP’s mother’s obliviousness to the emotional impact of her own actions on OP and the rest of her children.

So you did see the updates, and still posted that? From someone who also has a dead "pain in the arse" dad its a pretty gross response to someone finally putting boundaries in place with an abusive parent and exploitative sibling.

I cant decide which is worst: encouraging the op to host her mum whilst already knowing about the updates, encouraging her to reach out to abused LC siblings to ask them to step up or the posters who allegedly didn't have time to read the OPs updates but did have time to judge her and then return multiple times to argue the toss. Regardless this makes for a really depressing outlook.

@Optionyougot Your still missing the point. For some reason whatever it is she still maintains a relationship with her mother.
Her question was what should she do not what i think of her relationship with her mother. It's not my place to judge her mother and it was definitely not her question. She is asking whether to or not have her mum for christmas.
She needs to do what she feels is right and go with it either way.
Now go back off your high horse and stop replying to me your getting boring.

What a horrible thread. I hope my children don't think of me so badly in my last years.

Well if you ignored the sexual abuse of your own children you can fully expect this or worse. Why wouldn’t you? It’s staggeringly neglectful.

OP really should have put that in her original post. It's a pretty huge drip feed that totally changes the perspective.

...

Ive deleted my post as I have just seen that this relationship involves abuse which is a diffferent matter entirely.

I'll reply for as long as there is sometimes to respond to.

OP posted because after years of contact she wanted to change the current set up, and was feeling guilt tripped and manipulated. A response based on "well you've done it this way up until now so..." isn't healthy or constructive. Nor is any response based on guilt tripping her because many of us don't have a living parent that we would want there (I exclude myself from that population). Its myopic at best, narcissistic at worst.

I think it is fairly obvious. Never fails to surprise me the drama associated over a religious celebration that is no more than a Hallmark Holliday now.

If parents treat their children well when they're young - the children are more likely to treat the parents well later in life.

Oh Emma. She stated on Tuesday at 23:58 that her mother's behaviour was appalling. Did you miss that, plus all the other hundreds of subsequent posts? Or did you just jump on this thread because it was in Active and you couldn't be arsed to rtft ?

[Posted before reading full thread. Edited now to remove unhelpful contribution.]

The omission is because it's difficult to admit that your mother was horrible. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to admit it.

@christmasstollen re-read what you have written. Your mum ignored sexual abuse of two of her children, came on to the husband of another child and has already said you won’t inherit anything from her. Be strong, you have been in an abusive relationship with her, yet every year you host and take care of her for Christmas.

That’s what was missing in the post I read…..the abuse, etc. thought I was nuts in overlooking that.

This. I couldn't imagine not hosting my Mum if it was the only option. We used to host three of my Mum's elderly cousins at Christmas time, which involved travelling to collect two of them, and they stayed with us for a few days, then we took them back home. The other one had a car and drove to us for the day, and we used to have him over for birthdays also - he lived closer.

Unless there is something you are not telling us I can't believe you are complaining about hosting your Mum - isn't that what Christmas is about?

Okay - I've just read all the OP's updates. Why, oh why, must people drip feed this information? It is beyond annoying to be asked to vote on something when we have only a portion of the information. I still think you could host her however, you've done so in the past you can't suddenly decide that you don't want to for moral reasons.

I couldn't imagine leaving my 90 year old Mother alone for Christmas inspite of who's turn it was to host. Just awful. Your poor mum.

YABVU who cares whether it should be your brothers turn, for whatever reason he's not doing it and you are happy to let her go to non family members and make her feel like an inconvenience. Cant believe any of you are over 13, let alone in your 60s.

Poor mum!! Think I'd rather be on my own then spend time with ungrateful family who seem to think spending Christmas with me is a chore!!

I'd do what you feel is right, if she's been a good mother to you then host her, punish your brother for his selfishness, not your mother, don't let your brother in if he tries to come over, and don't talk to him for as long as it takes until he apologises, this is how you set a boundary and get the respect you deserve from him x

You haven’t read the OP’s updates, have you?