Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP did ask WWYD.
OP has hosted mother for so long now knowing the back story, which she may as well have put in the first post. So why change this year when mother is allegedly near death. That was the point. And new solution isn't really is it as DB will be with a woman at Xmas and not his mother as that's how DB golden balls always behave.
I challenge OP to update us at Xmas and I would say she has had to ship DM in last minute.
If you have tolerated the old bag all these years and your own children don't see anything wrong with dgran then why change now. Freedom is in sight when this will no longer be the millstone you are making it.

You do know you can just click ‘see all’ on op and it just shows you the op’s updates right?

What if her mum outlived her DH?
Would she not regret having a special Christmas were she and DH have less stress?

Excellent update, @christmasstollen . So glad it resolved itself x

Seemingly that's too taxing for some people.

Well done OP.

Now can I suggest a Christmas Awful Mum swap? I volunteer my evil alcoholic mother, free P&P to anyone who answered the OP with 'your pooooor mother'

I would host her but I would read all three of your siblings the riot act.

Why don't any of them care that it might be her last Christmas?

I wd ring the other two siblings who never have her and be completely honest with them and ask them to step up and decide who is going to have her this yr. Explain that you do this every yr and u want a Xmas for once where u don't have to host/entertain. Tell them u need a break and wd one of them kindly step up to help. I come from a large family and my sis and I are the only two who look after my elderly mother and do all the caring duties, shopping, hosp appts, listening ear etc etc. Our other adult siblings do very short infrequent visits and 'escape' back home at their earliest convenience. This yr my sis and I thought f this s and we contacted them both and diplomatically explained how lonely our mum was and that we were both physically and mentally shattered from the demands of looking after her for years (none of which is her fault). We said she didn't have many years left on the planet and cd they visit more often and for longer and talk/listen to her, take her out etc. Many people moan about their siblings lack of help which I totally get, but sometimes approaching them and spelling it out politely but plainly, can shift them into gear. Good luck with whatever you do.

Because they told her as children that their uncle was sexually abusing them and she told them to never mention it again and left them to be sexually abused...

Fml this is depressing

OPs focus needs to be on her husband and his failing health not her abusive mother. Not prioritising that might lead to many more regrets than bailing out her selfish DB.

Thanks for pointing out the rest of the story, it would have helped if included originally. I have read OP’s other posts now and it does make it complex but I still come to the same decision. Why so angry?

I have asked @MNHQ to edit the title of the thread and ask people to read the updates before commenting.

DB may well change his mind at the last minute. I have talked to DH and if the plans change near the beginning of December then one DC will pick her up and take her to the hotel where DS will also be staying. Then he can keep an eye on her and bring her over and take her back etc. I will find it a lot less stressful not having her in the house all the time so the hotel is the only option for overnight visits. If the plans suddenly change around Christmas proper then we will decide between inviting mum and ExSIL for the day only (and ExSIL will do the driving) or going back to the original plan of mum going over to ExSIL's for lunch as she's much more local.

For those worrying about ExSIL! She does have family although both her parents are dead. She and my brother have 2 DC, one with severe down's syndrome, DB avoids doing his contact weekends and when he does he brings them back early Sunday morning instead of that night (and finds other ways to avoid them generally), but according to mum he's Dad of the Year. ExSIL is an angel and I agree with pps to invite her anyway if it comes down to it. As you say DB won't even be here and he certainly won't come if he has to do any parenting!

I have now also read the OP's other posts, and it doesn't really change my answer.

The backstory makes it more understandable why the OP's other two siblings don't want to be involved with her mother.

But I think I would still be sending an email to all three siblings saying something like:

Dear siblings,

We need to talk about Christmas.

Brother A and sister B, I fully understand the reasons why you only have reduced contact with our mother. However, it does mean that for the last 40 years it has been down to me and brother C to host her for Christmas, and for the last X number of years brother C has had other plans so I have had to host her. This year he agreed that it was his turn but he has now decided to go abroad.

This is putting an unreasonable strain on me and DH. My only choices are to agree to host her for four days at a time every year, or to tell my 90 year old mother that she will need to spend Christmas alone because I am not willing to host her and neither are any of my siblings.

I know our family dynamics are far from easy to navigate, but is there any chance one or more of you could step in and help shoulder the burden with me?

Also, @christmasstollen, if you do end up hosting again then it is absolutely none of your DB's business whether you invite his ex wife or not.

Just a thought, if your brother is escaping abroad, then why doesn’t your Mum stay in his house instead of a hotel?

Because she requires waiting on hand and foot, apparently.

It's also not clear whether his house is near the OP's.

Perfectly fine not to host her. She may have a lovely time with exDIL. She’s an adult, she has 4 kids, it shouldn’t always fall on you. Have a Christmas off! It probably won’t be her last and even if it is, it’s not awful for you not to have had her. She really might have a great time doing something different for once.

It might be the most outrageous suggestion yet made on this thread that OP should try to guilt-trip abuse survivors into looking after their abuse enabler.

But you did cover the actual solution at least!

"tell my 90 year old mother that she will need to spend Christmas alone because I am not willing to host her and neither are any of my siblings"

That. That is what OP should do. Drop the rope and leave the nasty old woman to think about her choices. No more burden and no more strain on any of the siblings.

@christmasstollen so very pleased this has worked out. Your sense of perspective on what has been a difficult thread is amazing. Do what is right for you and your family and have a lovely Christmas.

I lost mine 30 years ago. I wouldn’t host OPs mother in her shoes.

Using your mother to guilt someone else is gross.

In which case she doesn’t deserve to sit in the OP’s shed on Christmas Day.

Satisfying update OP all boxes ticked.
Never feel guilty when the point comes that you have had enough. When the time comes for her to leave this mortal coil you can breathe easy and mourn the mother you didn't have.

Excellent plan op!! Well done. I would have her delivered back to the hotel straight after lunch so you can enjoy a relaxing evening with your children without her spiteful comments.

Are you a practicing Christian?

What does this have to do with it?

What a shame that out of all her children not one of them can find it in their hearts to take her in for the holiday. I would be heartbroken. 😢