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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 31/10/2023 16:15

God he sounds mental! I would be tempted to block him and ignore - you didn't rape him and he knows that so he would struggle to get the police to take him seriously. What an awful man!

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 16:15

It won’t be the last time he contacts you for money. This is just the start.

Unless you report him.

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 16:16

Do not give him another penny

and I don’t want to pry - but should you be in children’s services given your catastrophic poor judgement and high risk levels?

fourelementary · 31/10/2023 16:16

are you female? If so then I am not convinced you can even rape a man… and you say you can remember the night and he can’t.
Block and delete. But no, I wouldn’t go to the Police about this tbh.
I would maybe save the messages including the ones where you say you’ve paid (for what?) and the bank statements. But just walk away and chalk it up to listening to your gut next time.

NotTerfNorCis · 31/10/2023 16:17

Yeah I was going to ask if you're male or female. If female, you can't legally commit rape.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:19

I am female and you would be surprised at the private lives of lots of teachers, social workers and people who work in CS.

We are just normal people who make mistakes too.

OP posts:
Whatonearthhhhhh · 31/10/2023 16:24

He won't go down the lines of that don't worry. If he's in the public eye the last thing he wants is some crazy scandal about drugs, money and rape? You say he was up all night drinking and likely sniffing so probably not in a good state of mind and a bit manic. My ex was the same and would go out all night drinking and doing coke, then come back before I left for work and accuse me of crazy things when he was in this state. Push it to the side and move on, he sounds troubled x

FictionalCharacter · 31/10/2023 16:24

He’s unhinged. What does he think the police will do? Nick you for the crime of not contributing enough money to the booze and drug fund? And as PPs have said, if you’re in the UK a woman can’t legally rape a man. Sexual assault yes, rape no.
This man sounds like a danger to women.

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 16:27

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:19

I am female and you would be surprised at the private lives of lots of teachers, social workers and people who work in CS.

We are just normal people who make mistakes too.

Mistake? Bit more than that but 🤷‍♀️

how old are you?

Lackinginspiration1 · 31/10/2023 16:27

Pretty sure taking cocaine isn’t up there with acceptable behaviour for people working in children’s services!

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 16:28

He’s gone quiet because he’s busy spending the money

he will be back in contact as soon as it is spent

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:28

I wasn’t at work at the time, or the next day.

OP posts:
Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 16:28

Lackinginspiration1 · 31/10/2023 16:27

Pretty sure taking cocaine isn’t up there with acceptable behaviour for people working in children’s services!

According to the op “everyone makes mistakes” and taking coke is just… well one of those things

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 16:29

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:28

I wasn’t at work at the time, or the next day.

Round of applause!!

EvilElsa · 31/10/2023 16:30

He's a scammer. He wanted the money and he wanted you gone. Block and move on. I'd rethink your lifestyle choices with the career you have.

Jewelspun · 31/10/2023 16:33

You weren't actually dating him.

This was a meeting of two people enjoying a debauched lifestyle and due to the nature of drugs and alcohol turning the situation volatile it all went tits up.

Long term use of drugs combined with someone who isn't a nice person may result paranoia or other mental health afflictions as you've now discovered.

You've learnt your lesson about meeting up with this type and have lost out financially.

Next time you might be at the receiving end of violence.

Block him on everything. Whilst your memory is fresh, write down dates and times you were actually alone in his company in case he does try and cause trouble and say you robbed him for example.

Fuckeditup1 · 31/10/2023 16:34

You shouldn’t be working for children’s services

Nemareus · 31/10/2023 16:37

Block and delete.

Neriah · 31/10/2023 16:40

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 16:16

Do not give him another penny

and I don’t want to pry - but should you be in children’s services given your catastrophic poor judgement and high risk levels?

^ This

I am not sure if I can believe this as it seems rather far-fetched, but if you are engaging in this kind of high-risk behaviour, then not being in work the next day is really not the issue. Having a complete lack of judgement and putting yourself in a vulnerable position is the issue, and you sound very unsuited to your career choice. Sooner or later this will catch up with you and your future will be at risk.

I think you need some serious help, and are possibly in a good position to know how to access it.

Resilience · 31/10/2023 16:40

How long has it been since this happened?

Assuming you haven't sexually assaulted him and are 100% positive about that, a few things might be going on:
1 He has some mental health issues.
2 He has drug-related psychosis
3 He always intended to extort money from you
4 He is grooming you for an abusive relationship and and will soon contact you again 'to talk'

Screwballs · 31/10/2023 16:40

Name and shame him. Also fascinated to know that women can't legally rape? Is that true? What about trans? That's got to present some serious discrimination issues, no?

Screwballs · 31/10/2023 16:42

Fuckeditup1 · 31/10/2023 16:34

You shouldn’t be working for children’s services

Lol, let's get rid of every person that isn't perfect from all social and blue light services... See who you're left with.

TeaGinandFags · 31/10/2023 16:43

Jewelspun · 31/10/2023 16:33

You weren't actually dating him.

This was a meeting of two people enjoying a debauched lifestyle and due to the nature of drugs and alcohol turning the situation volatile it all went tits up.

Long term use of drugs combined with someone who isn't a nice person may result paranoia or other mental health afflictions as you've now discovered.

You've learnt your lesson about meeting up with this type and have lost out financially.

Next time you might be at the receiving end of violence.

Block him on everything. Whilst your memory is fresh, write down dates and times you were actually alone in his company in case he does try and cause trouble and say you robbed him for example.

This

And call the police. He is blackmailing you and threatening you. Make a statement because he, or some of hid friends, will be back and it will be nastier. I cannot see this ending happily.

Take care and get your side in first. It DOES make a difference, if only to get support organised. Keep an up to date diary.

BTW only men can commit rape as per the law.

Nomnomnom66 · 31/10/2023 16:44

With all due respect, I work in this area and we're human but not many colleagues I know behave like that. I think you need a reality check regarding your drug and alcohol use, OP.

Humbugg · 31/10/2023 16:45

You legally can’t have raped him and do not give him another penny