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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
Cowlover89 · 31/10/2023 16:46

Block and delete and ignore any negative comments

Whapples · 31/10/2023 16:47

I mean, women can rape - rape is penetration of the vagina or anus when someone hasn’t consented. That includes objects so a man can be raped by a woman but it would be a lot harder to prosecute. But they can.

LatteLady · 31/10/2023 16:47

Talk to the Police, I suspect you will not be the first person with whom he has pulled this stunt. As to the drugs and alcohol, it might be time to look for some support.

Lilithlogic · 31/10/2023 16:48

Bloody hell if everyone who took coke was booted out of their career, there would be a huge loss of employees etc. It's rife, goodness only knows why mind, horrible nasty stuff

Boomboom22 · 31/10/2023 16:51

Hmm, yes we are all human but you do sign up to professional codes of conduct. Sex and alcohol is fine, illegal drugs should be avoided as should public sexual behaviour.

Cumbrianlife · 31/10/2023 16:53

Why didn't you block him as advised after the last time you posted?

Boomboom22 · 31/10/2023 16:53

Saying that didn't they find coke residue in every single set of loos in the houses of Parliament last year? Might explain the state of our policies!

coolkatt · 31/10/2023 16:54

oh here we go with the coke shaming.
it happens. get over it.
every single occupation does it. every single one.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:55

Pretty sure using coke isn’t acceptable in ANY career.

I haven’t said how much or how often I drink or use drugs, I actually have a right to a private life, away from work.

A lot of blue light services also behave use/have casual sex as do a lot of teachers and social workers. Also I haven’t said what I do, I could be admin. Also a lot of these same people are perpetrators of DA.

Anyway, as I said in my OP I wasn’t asking for judgement.

OP posts:
stickytoffee8 · 31/10/2023 16:56

Sorry your going through this.

The guy sounds absolutely bonkers, I would probably contact the police and ask for some advice.

I would defo block him and change my number though.

All the best x

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 16:56

It’s not just the multiple coke taking

it’s the was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored

it’s the being sucked in and thinking that best to pay him off

it shows shocking risk-seeking behaviour coupled with naivety.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:56

Where have I said we were having sex in public?! Have you seen the weather?!

OP posts:
Sayitaintso33 · 31/10/2023 16:56

It's almost certainly over. So try and put it behind you. Of course you can be in children's services, although you might struggle if you became a frequent cocaine user.

Unless you paid him a king's (or queen's) ransom I wouldn't go to the police. I probably would if he tried again, but until then put all this behind you.

Unlike a PP I wouldn't write everything down. You need to put it behind you, not dwell on it. If he goes to the Police it will be to make a false allegation. You will be able to deal easily with that in the very unlikely event it happens.

You made a drug-fuelled mistake as many of us have. Do your best to put it behind you and not to worry. You are now a wiser and better person.

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 16:57

Anyway, as I said in my OP I wasn’t asking for judgement.

well no. But it doesn’t mean posters can’t express judgment and concern at the thought that you work with vulnerable children

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 16:58

I would report it too. You need a trail of evidence to prove you were being persecuted and harassed by him, should he do it again.

Obviously block and delete but I don’t think it’s enough on it’s own.

icewoman · 31/10/2023 16:58

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:19

I am female and you would be surprised at the private lives of lots of teachers, social workers and people who work in CS.

We are just normal people who make mistakes too.

sorry, but taking coke isn't normal, or a "mistake" and would be immediate grounds for dismissal for anyone in children's services or education

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 31/10/2023 16:59

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:55

Pretty sure using coke isn’t acceptable in ANY career.

I haven’t said how much or how often I drink or use drugs, I actually have a right to a private life, away from work.

A lot of blue light services also behave use/have casual sex as do a lot of teachers and social workers. Also I haven’t said what I do, I could be admin. Also a lot of these same people are perpetrators of DA.

Anyway, as I said in my OP I wasn’t asking for judgement.

'Pretty sure using coke isn't acceptable in ANY career', yet you're choosing to do it? And calling it a mistake?

A mistake would be doing it once. Not a chance I'd let you near my child.

Saschka · 31/10/2023 17:01

Fuckeditup1 · 31/10/2023 16:34

You shouldn’t be working for children’s services

Oh ffs, she might be a payments clerk, or answer the phones.

EvilElsa · 31/10/2023 17:02

Of course you are entitled to a private life doing what you want to do. You are also allowed to make mistakes, we all do.
However taking coke all weekend with an absolute loser has landed you in this shitty situation where your job is at risk and you are being blackmailed into sending money or being branded a rapist. That's why I said in my first post you might what to rethink your lifestyle choices -I'm not judging you, you are potentially going to fuck your life up over a "good time". Block and delete this man and please look after yourself.

Saschka · 31/10/2023 17:03

Whapples · 31/10/2023 16:47

I mean, women can rape - rape is penetration of the vagina or anus when someone hasn’t consented. That includes objects so a man can be raped by a woman but it would be a lot harder to prosecute. But they can.

It doesn’t include objects, under UK law. That is sexual assault.

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 17:04

Saschka · 31/10/2023 17:01

Oh ffs, she might be a payments clerk, or answer the phones.

Show quote history

So… why so petrified as to transfer money to someone?

Screwballs · 31/10/2023 17:04

Saschka · 31/10/2023 17:03

It doesn’t include objects, under UK law. That is sexual assault.

Show quote history

Today is a school day.

BlondeFool · 31/10/2023 17:05

Block him.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 31/10/2023 17:08

Obviously you couldn’t have raped him but you could have SA him.

It sounds like he had a bit of a psychotic episode, likely triggered by the drugs and I’m glad you got out of there when you did.

Tell him that if he carries on you will call the police as it’s harassment.
Do not give him anymore money.

If he messaged you again then speak to the police.

Saschka · 31/10/2023 17:09

Screwballs · 31/10/2023 17:04

Today is a school day.

Show quote history

It’s rape under US law, and we watch a lot of US crime drama in the UK. So a lot of people assume it is the same.

Just as we don’t have “degrees” of murder, but you still get people talking about “first degree murder” over here (when they just mean “really bad murder) 🤷‍♀️