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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:21

Did he ask for money to keep quiet .

Anele22 · 31/10/2023 18:22

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 18:14

So…., how come you start a thread about how worried you are to the extent he has successfully bribed you

Show quote history

She's worried about the rape allegations, surely

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 18:22

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:17

No I do not want to say how much money I gave him. I had already given him £120.

So the pp recollection that you’d posted weeks ago about this… was true

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:23

Good morning,

I have decided that you're a liability. And last time you were here you did in fact attempt to have sex with me against my will.

It is NO excuse that there was drink and drugs involved. I said NO to you several times and you grabbed my penis, tried to straddle me and insert it inside you. You refused to stop. You wouldn't listen.

And you know I'm a rape survivor - thrice over.

You don't deny this behaviour or the events. Thankfully. I respect you for that.

I don't want to report you and am not seeking to. I''m sure you know FULL WELL the consequences this will have for your career and life in general. You will be a sex offender.

There are two things you need to do

Pay your partying bills with me - you said you would, and you still haven't transferred me a penny!

It isn't my job to pay for your cocaine.

Do it today.

Many thanks for all your time. I'm out.

OP posts:
Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:24

This is his message, I had already given him £120 at this point.

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 31/10/2023 18:24

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 17:34

Erm - I haven’t posted about this before?

Either it’s you or it’s someone with a very similar story recently… who’d have thought it?! Hmm

Nicole1111 · 31/10/2023 18:25

LADO……

CapitaineBelkacem · 31/10/2023 18:26

In your shoes I'd consult a lawyer OP. This is beyond MN.

beatrix1234 · 31/10/2023 18:26

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:24

This is his message, I had already given him £120 at this point.

so how much money in total has he gotten out of you at this point?

justasking111 · 31/10/2023 18:26

If he's known in the media he has more to lose than you. Didn't a presenter lose his career over this? John Leslie?

I'd go to the police I suspect others have been blackmailed

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:26

Then he sent the message threatening it being in the papers.

OP posts:
Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:27

LADO, please! 🥴

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 31/10/2023 18:27

I work in a similar field and one of my more senior colleagues likes to tell about the time she decided to stop doing drugs, when one of the clients she was supporting was the runner bringing it to her.

Obviously anyone can make mistakes but in your role particularly you cannot be a hypocrite because either parents will go after you and you'll be vulnerable to it, or they will ignore you're advice and think you're talking nonsense.

That aside, I think you contact the police. To me this is blackmail and extortion and harassment and I'd be surprised if this guy hasn't done it before. He won't stop until you take steps with police to stop him.

beatrix1234 · 31/10/2023 18:28

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:26

Then he sent the message threatening it being in the papers.

is he a known coke head or some sort of rock n roll type? if not maybe he's the one who has more to loose in this story if it hits the papers.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:28

Ok op.

For me fuck it , go to police . He isn't a rape survivor he's a con artist and blackmailer

If your ok with the drug use coming out I'd play this twat at his,own game . He isn't likely to want the bad publicity.

Can you prove you already paid the £120.. ?

Get an appt, ring 101. He is delusional , a woman cannot in law legally rape a man . I'd call his bluff . Let the police visit him. Give them the screenshots of all messages , and give a statement.

If this is deemed blackmail CID will deal not beat bobbies . I'd personally love to nail his arse to the wall for you .

saffronsoup · 31/10/2023 18:28

It seems he made the allegations of sexual assault as soon as you woke up after a night of sex, drugs and drinking. I would say a lot of perpetrators have said I remember it and I didn't assault him / her. It seems his recollection and is experience is different. What happened to BelieveAllVictims. His allegations of the sexual assault were immediate and initially not connected to money. It could be he felt you owed him money legitimately as well. This is one side of the story and if you were the male and he the female, this thread would have gone very differently.

AliceOlive · 31/10/2023 18:28

I think you should report it. He sounds unhinged and probably will not stop bothering you.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:29

a) I haven’t stated what my role is.
b) how on earth would anyone I may or may not work with know what I get up to in my private life, where there are NO CHILDREN PRESENT.

OP posts:
Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:30

Thanks capabilityfrowns 🙏

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:31

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:29

a) I haven’t stated what my role is.
b) how on earth would anyone I may or may not work with know what I get up to in my private life, where there are NO CHILDREN PRESENT.

Forever this op it's a red herring
Ring 101 and ask for either a home visit or a station appointment . Screenshot and save the messsges

This for me is blackmail in professional opinion. I'd have him .

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:32

No he is known in religious fields 🙈🙈🙈

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 31/10/2023 18:32

saffronsoup · 31/10/2023 18:28

It seems he made the allegations of sexual assault as soon as you woke up after a night of sex, drugs and drinking. I would say a lot of perpetrators have said I remember it and I didn't assault him / her. It seems his recollection and is experience is different. What happened to BelieveAllVictims. His allegations of the sexual assault were immediate and initially not connected to money. It could be he felt you owed him money legitimately as well. This is one side of the story and if you were the male and he the female, this thread would have gone very differently.

yeah.... because nothing speaks "sexual assault" like someone asking for money in exchange of not going to the police. ffs. Male or female this is blackmail of the highest degree.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:34

And please remember you can deny drug taking , abbé you were present with him when he was partaking if some Colombian marching powder . You don't have to admit anything.

But he's blackmailing you in black and white

beatrix1234 · 31/10/2023 18:34

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:32

No he is known in religious fields 🙈🙈🙈

😂😅😂

please please go the police. You need to nail this guy.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:35

I love jobs like this, please don't let him do this to you or anyone else .

He's stupid enough to have blackmailed you in written messages that can easily be traced to his phone

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