Should I be contacting the police.

[InstantDestiny]

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP if I was you I would at the minimum let your work know of the fact you’ve had a relationship recently end and has turned nasty with blackmail/potential allegations involved, he may take it no further but if he does at least then your work have already heard from you. It can become a lot harder to explain away if he gets to them first.

Also, I wouldn’t take anything at all from the posters saying you can’t have raped him as a woman can’t rape a man. Yes, legally, that’s the standpoint for rape, but that doesn’t mean he will get nowhere with the police, it just means the police will let him know that it would be a sexual assault charge- which can still carry a 10 year prison sentence. There’s very little if any solace to be found in the “a woman can’t rape a man” logic.

Erm - I haven’t posted about this before?

By your own admission op he can't remember the events of the night and you can, so he was unfit to consent to sex. If he chose to go to the police there's every chance you could be charged with sexual assault (not rape, as others have said, in the uk only men can be legally charged with rape). That would, at the very least, be your career down the toilet. You need to look very hard at your lifestyle choices and the possible consequences of them.

If you're in any of the 4 UK countries, you need a penis to commit rape.

Does he have photographs of you @InstantDestiny ?

Oh ffs, she might be a payments clerk, or answer the phones. It doesn't really matter what she does there. Everyone will have safeguarding training I'm sure. I work in a school and even the cleaners have safeguarding training. They barely have any contact with our pupils all year. That training now includes child criminal exploitation and county lines stuff.

Sadly, I don’t think it is fiction.

Or

4. sell your story to the Daily Mail!

I'd love to know who he is!!

Seriously though, I hope you feel calmer. He's not going to the police.

Have a good long hard think about your life choices though.

Hi OP

I just wanted to give you a bit of a virtual hug as of course a lot of judgment going on here which I'm sure you expected if you're a long time MN-etter but still isn't easy to take.

There is never much place for nuance in a lot of these opinions!

I don't have much advice but I am personally not sure about going to the police. I realise it's a bit back to front, but I wonder if you speak with a rape/sexual assault help service? This is a gov webpage full of links to various charities etc:
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/support-for-victims-of-sexual-violence-and-abuse
I sort of feel talking to one of these services might help- at least you'll be able to talk frankly about your experience without fear of any repercussions for anything before you decide whether to do anything further?

Hope it puts you off taking cocaine and the misery behind it’s supply chain

I happened to look up the definition of sexual a assault recently, and I'm sure I saw that a female cannot technically rape a male, but could be accused of coercing someone else. I've not got that quite right but basically, he can't accuse you of rape. It's blackmail. I'm not a huge fan of the police, but go to the police.

I wouldn't go to the police.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
Not really blackmail as he's accusing you of peeing him money, how can you prove you don't?
Plus if you tell the police what you got up to with this guy and you are a professional in children's services you could find yourself subject of a professional concerns process. Lesson learnt I would suggest.

Stop confusing and scaring the Op with your bizarre and incorrect views about consent.

There are many things that a drunk willingly and intentionally does that he can't remember in the morning.

If two people had sex but owing to intoxication neither could remember it in the morning would you conclude that they had each raped/sexually assaulted each other?

I meant owing him money not peeing ffs

Except just because they're men if they get reported to the police they're immediately arrested without need for evidence until proven innocent

No they're not nowadays sadly. Half the time it's marked as 'no crime' and they aren't even interviewed. I have the misfortune to know this from reporting 2 rapists, one violent, one exploitative.

But that's by the by.

@InstantDestiny I would just block him. If he contacts you again in the same vein, you could contact the police.

Unlike PP's I don't think there'll be anything in your contract at work about occasional drug use outside work, even if you are a social worker or teacher (unless you do something extreme, bringing the profession into public disrepute.)

But I wouldn't recommend anyone use illegal drugs. Put it behind you and don't do it again. If nothing else, men who are into illegal stuff are more likely to be wrong'uns in other respects and are best completely avoided. And drugs only have negative effects really, after a short term high if you're lucky.

He probably won't go to the police while he thinks his career/public profile will be damaged.

I am not sure how the police will react to complaints from a blackmailer about sexual coercion, nor how they will react to a complaint about being blackmailed for your share (or more) of your weekend coke bill.

Regardless of your profession, you need to make better judgements about consent and your sexual partners. If he is so far under the influence that he doesn't remember what happened can he give consent? Mix sex and drugs and alcohol if you want but not if you have ANY misgivings about your partner.

For information

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/part/1/crossheading/causing-sexual-activity-without-consent

https://www.northernirelandworld.com/news/crime/woman-jailed-by-northern-ireland-judge-for-raping-a-man-in-what-is-believed-to-be-first-case-of-its-kind-in-uk-4059879

@TeaGinandFags is right. If you don't call his bluff and report him to the police now he will be back for more money. I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time he has pulled this little stunt so he may well be known to them. Make it clear to them that you were a consenting adult in this situation and you are only complaining about the blackmail and threats.

And to reinforce what PP are saying. In the U.K. the legal definition of rape is non consensual penetration of the anus, mouth or vagina with a penis - without a penis there can be no rape.

Inserting any other items such as a finger or dildo into an orifice is not rape but sexual assault. Women can sexually assault another person or (as in the case linked by @RoseBucket above) they can cause another person to 'engage in sexual activity that he did not consent to' which was the the charge the assailant in that story pled guilty to but by law (in the U.K.) they are not capable of rape. What the judge in that particular case did was compare it to rape and say it should carry a similar sentence. Which presumably means a rap on the knuckles and a few years suspended.

Not that I fully agree with the other poster, but your last paragraph has absolutely no point. There is a difference between two people mortal drunk deciding to have sex both while intoxicated where neither remember it in the morning, and two people having sex where one is mortal drunk and the other is of sound mind. It’s not the same thing.

Is it WhatsApp? You could forward it to yourself.

For God's sake. Many of the teachers I know take coke recreationally let alone the "professionals" we work with.

Doesn't stop them being great at their jobs

This is hardly the point of the op nor is it helpful

How much money did you send him op

Oh don't, you're preaching, it's just one of those where we have to accommodate everything and not dare point out the obvious, but in this case it would seem very open to being considered discrimination to suggest a trans woman is a rapist. I'm sure they've found a way around that, it's either that or they sweep it under the carpet.

In my youth I used to be prone to memory loss after a heavy night drinking. But everyone would always say how I didn't appear that drunk! So sometimes it's possible to appear with it but in the morning not remember. So if someone seems fine and consents at the time but then claims they don't remember the next day it doesn't always mean rape. How do you know how drunk someone is if you're drunk yourself? Especially if they appear of a similar level to yourself. Then only one remembers in the morning despite both having horrific hangovers.