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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
MPY24 · 31/10/2023 18:01

Oh and in my youth I also knew a LOT of people who took coke. From many various professions. Police. Dentists. Teachers. Cabin crew. Admittedly it was when they were all youngish - 20s. But maybe they all still do it now. I wouldn't know as I don't really even drink anymore these days.

Albioncreed · 31/10/2023 18:01

Is he actually famous… or is he just a local “big man”

Maray1967 · 31/10/2023 18:01

Lackinginspiration1 · 31/10/2023 16:27

Pretty sure taking cocaine isn’t up there with acceptable behaviour for people working in children’s services!

Yes, my view too. Stop doing coke and mixing with people who do it. He’s either a blackmailer or aggressively delusional from the coke. Just avoid these people.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:02

Op how much money did you send and have you heard anything from him since

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:02

Considering he quite clearly remembers attempting to rape him and all the detail, pretty sure he was not too drunk to remember, according to him.

It’s a load of bullshit anyway who contacts someone who has supposedly sexually assaulted them and demands money from them.

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 18:06

So if someone seems fine and consents at the time but then claims they don't remember the next day it doesn't always mean rape. How do you know how drunk someone is if you're drunk yourself?

This is why people shouldn't shag people who've had more than a couple really. But I know how common it is and am guilty of it myself when drinking with someone sometimes.

would seem very open to being considered discrimination to suggest a trans woman is a rapist. I'm sure they've found a way around that, it's either that or they sweep it under the carpet.

That's when we get articles in the papers with linguistic contortions like 'she raped her with her penis.'

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:07

You have two choices.

My advice would depend on how much you sent him and whether he is still harassing you.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:07

He sent me a newspaper report of a local CS worker who was convicted of drink/drug driving and said “Will make a WELL READ follow-up to this story.... don't u think???”

Hes TV famous. Bit niche though.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 31/10/2023 18:08

I think he should be reported to the police.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:12

Viviennemary · 31/10/2023 18:08

I think he should be reported to the police.

If she reports it it's likely that the drug use etc will come out, if he has stopped all contact I'd chalk it up to experience

If he hasn't I'd report but be prepared to give a statement and for the grimy details to be outed

Also I'd like to know how ,much money was sent and whether this is a one off

MrsCarson · 31/10/2023 18:12

I think you should report it to the Police before he does as he's threatening you and demanding money. He's the one who needs a chat from the Police. Won't look good in the papers for him will it.

beatrix1234 · 31/10/2023 18:12

You were not dating, you were his coke buddy. This is the stuff that tends to happen when you meet stranger for some lines and non strings sex, it doesn't usually end well many of the times. Please don't feel I'm judging you but he sounds like a coke head suffering from paranoia and quite a lunatic (which is usually a side effect). His addiction is very expensive so he needs money. A lot. Meeting strangers for sex is a bit risky and dangerous, but when you add coke and alcohol it takes the whole thing to another level, specially if you're a woman. Your hobby is akin to extreme sports. Be careful OP.

Appleass · 31/10/2023 18:13

I hope someone recognises you and reports you to your employer, you clearly should not be working with children, due to your drug taking !

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:13

Tbh I doubt very much that the police would be bothered about some recreational coke use. I am not worried about that.

OP posts:
Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 18:14

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:13

Tbh I doubt very much that the police would be bothered about some recreational coke use. I am not worried about that.

So…., how come you start a thread about how worried you are to the extent he has successfully bribed you

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:14

Be aware if he's confronted by police he may well make the allegation to them - a woman cannot rape a man , but they can sexually assault.

I'd exercise caution depending on if he is still messaging or not

Butchyrestingface · 31/10/2023 18:15

Did you not post about this a couple of weeks ago, @InstantDestiny ?

If not, this guy has form. Halloween Confused

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:15

I am worried about him saying I have sexually assaulted him and being called a rapist.

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:15

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:13

Tbh I doubt very much that the police would be bothered about some recreational coke use. I am not worried about that.

No, but if it gets messy it will come out . Would you mind answering how much money you sent and did he ask for a specific amount ?

Icanttellyouanything · 31/10/2023 18:17

Whapples · 31/10/2023 16:47

I mean, women can rape - rape is penetration of the vagina or anus when someone hasn’t consented. That includes objects so a man can be raped by a woman but it would be a lot harder to prosecute. But they can.

No. For it to be rape there needs a penis to be inserted without consent. Anything else is assault by penetration. S.1 and S.2 Sexual Offences Act 2003

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:17

No I do not want to say how much money I gave him. I had already given him £120.

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:20

This could be blackmail essentially in that case

Op I'm a cop. Did he ask you for money in exchange for silence . Do you still have the messages .

beatrix1234 · 31/10/2023 18:21

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:15

I am worried about him saying I have sexually assaulted him and being called a rapist.

"Hi, You sexually assaulted me last night but if you pay me XYZ I won't go to the police". He just lost his credibility with this text and any police officer or judge would think this is making a mockery of real sexual assault victims. This guy needs the money (being a coke head is very expensive) and he has probably pulled this fast one with other women to see how much money he can suck them of to feed his habit. Please keep all your text messages as evidence if worse comes to worse but keep in mind this guy doesn't have a leg to stand on legally speaking. It actually sounds like blackmail so if someone is committing a crime it's him.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:21

If you report you need to be going through with a complaint so I'm try to establish what he did, said, to give you an idea of the offence HE has committed. If any .

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:21

Yes I have the messages.

OP posts: