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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
Gnomegnomegnome · 31/10/2023 17:10

Save the voice notes and any correspondence from him.

I would talk to the police both for advice and for the very real possibility that he could start again when he needs more money.

Be prepared that this may get back to your employer in some way. Are you in a union?

Do not name and shame!

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 31/10/2023 17:13

Screwballs · 31/10/2023 16:40

Name and shame him. Also fascinated to know that women can't legally rape? Is that true? What about trans? That's got to present some serious discrimination issues, no?

What about trans? If you're referring to a man transitioning to a woman then they are a man regardless of what they identify as, and quite clearly capable of rape

StephanieLampshade · 31/10/2023 17:14

He sounds terrifying.

I wouldn't advise the police as it has a higher risk in him feeling pushed into making a claim of sexual assault or anything else.

I would block him. I hope doesn't know where you live and work.

Although shocking to you he's undoubtedly put others through this. Do not reply to.him.or send him more money and he'll move on.

CombatBarbie · 31/10/2023 17:15

Legally you can't rape a man.

Canisaysomething · 31/10/2023 17:16

As awful as it sounds you should speak to someone at work and let them know that you were briefly dating someone who turned very nasty and has been trying to blackmail you and make allegations and has threatened to contact your work in order to blackmail you. A friend of mine met someone online who dating who did this and she had to tell her work about it and they were very supportive.

She is lucky she did tell work as he followed through with his threats and started trying to contact her work and harass her at work.

JudgeJ · 31/10/2023 17:16

Lackinginspiration1 · 31/10/2023 16:27

Pretty sure taking cocaine isn’t up there with acceptable behaviour for people working in children’s services!

I assume you would also be judgemental about parents who use drugs, get drunk etc., after all they are the prime carers of their children but seem to get off lightly when this kind of post comes up.

Shelaydownunderthetable · 31/10/2023 17:16

Christ, so much judgmental, naive, pearl-clutching behaviour going on on this thread.

OP, you know you’ve fucked up, but you also haven’t asked to be harassed and blackmailed, which it sounds like this guy is doing (unless of course you have sexually assaulted him - in which case - he is well within his rights to report you to the police, but probably not demand more blackmail coke money from you).

If you haven’t already, write down a record (with evidence) of your interactions with this guy ASAP.

The way I see it you’ve got three options:

  1. Keep paying and engaging with him
  2. Tell him that you’re concerned about what he’s perceived has happened, and are planning on reporting his concerns to the police to be investigated - I don’t think that he’ll actually want this to happen and it might either make him go quiet, but it also risks riling him up further in drug-fuelled panic
  3. Screenshot everything, evidence everything, write everything down, save the voice notes somewhere safe, and then block him. Move on. Find a therapist you can talk to about this. I would be tempted to do this option.
MichonnesBBF · 31/10/2023 17:19

icewoman · 31/10/2023 16:58

sorry, but taking coke isn't normal, or a "mistake" and would be immediate grounds for dismissal for anyone in children's services or education

Show quote history

Your statement is just not true...I think you would be in for a shock if you actually found out how many people in education, local authority, blue light careers actually have a criminal record...
Support, rehab, counciling can all come before dismissal...its most certainly not a given.

AInightingale · 31/10/2023 17:19

You're not the Northern Irish social worker who was in court last week charged with endangering an aircraft with their drunken antics, are you? Your profession must have some pretty low bars - you remove children from their families for far less, and harass and cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety to many more.

LakeTiticaca · 31/10/2023 17:19

Out comes the MN Judge and jury.
How depressingly predictable.
Don't send him any more money, keep all the voice notes and messages, don't respond, and if he continues to abuse you and demand money , speak to the police, it's harassment

Buggerthislove · 31/10/2023 17:19

I've remember you from a few months ago, you said you were on the sick from work at the time when you saw him and took the drugs as he was going to report you to work for drug taking, I thought you were ending it and walking away OP when he threatened you then.

RubyBoozeDay · 31/10/2023 17:20

Call the police and report his blackmail.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 17:20

How do you save a voice note?

OP posts:
0MammaBear0 · 31/10/2023 17:22

Welcome to the struggle of many men accused of rapes they didn't commit. Except just because they're men if they get reported to the police they're immediately arrested without need for evidence until proven innocent

CurlewKate · 31/10/2023 17:24

I am not speaking from any knowledge and I do hope someone comes along soon who can-but I do think you should go to the police. There is a reasonable chance he'll come back now you've given him money.

CurlewKate · 31/10/2023 17:24

And no, women can't rape men. But they can sexually assault them. He could accuse you of that.

Anele22 · 31/10/2023 17:25

Screwballs · 31/10/2023 16:40

Name and shame him. Also fascinated to know that women can't legally rape? Is that true? What about trans? That's got to present some serious discrimination issues, no?

In the UK rape is defined as sexual assault penetration with a penis, therefore only men can rape. So yes, trans women can rape if they still have a penis. Almost makes you think they must be men, doesn't it?

icewoman · 31/10/2023 17:25

MichonnesBBF · 31/10/2023 17:19

Your statement is just not true...I think you would be in for a shock if you actually found out how many people in education, local authority, blue light careers actually have a criminal record...
Support, rehab, counciling can all come before dismissal...its most certainly not a given.

Show quote history

with random drugs testing, with public convictions, with instant dismissals, yes, I do have a rough idea how many ( a tiny proportional although of course they themselves will do anything to big it up and normalise it) and what happens if they are caught.

Illegal drugs, immediate and permanent ban from teaching.

Alcoholism is different, and counselling, rehabilitation and support is likely to be attempted. Illegal drugs, immediate cut off, and no way back - and quite right too

lockedinflavour · 31/10/2023 17:25

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:19

I am female and you would be surprised at the private lives of lots of teachers, social workers and people who work in CS.

We are just normal people who make mistakes too.

I don't think you took Coke as a mistake did you? I don't quite think saying we all make mistakes works here. This is something I would expect your employer to take very seriously.

Regardless she sound unhinged and i actually would contact the police if he attempts to contact/blackmail you again.

Differentstarts · 31/10/2023 17:26

Just keep all correspondence,.block him on everything and if he contacts you again then contact the police if he doesn't then great lesson learned

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 17:27

Buggerthislove · 31/10/2023 17:19

I've remember you from a few months ago, you said you were on the sick from work at the time when you saw him and took the drugs as he was going to report you to work for drug taking, I thought you were ending it and walking away OP when he threatened you then.

Sweet Jesus

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 17:28

I knew this would be the tip of the iceberg re the OP’s previous shenanigans

Freedia · 31/10/2023 17:28

This guy doesn’t sound mentally stable. Class A drugs and hedonism are known to do that to people. My advice, don’t give him another penny, don’t take drugs and don’t engage in casual sex. It all just leads to misery in my experience. If you want a relationship find someone who loves you and doesn’t take illegal drugs.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/10/2023 17:30

Screwballs · 31/10/2023 16:42

Lol, let's get rid of every person that isn't perfect from all social and blue light services... See who you're left with.

Show quote history

Well, there's "isn't perfect" as in one too many drinks and standing on a table making a tit of yourself on a night out. And then there's someone who is supposed to protect children from the damage caused by the kind of chaotic lifestyle you're leading with poor judgement in the company you keep. Not to mention the criminal aspect of possession of a class A drug - you're at risk of losing your career if something happens that you have to declare on a DBS. But yeah, you go ahead and get your kicks, ignoring the exploitation of vulnerable people, both internationally and in this country, INCLUDING children and teenagers, that goes hand in hand with class A drug supply. The untold misery it causes. Honestly. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you should be working in Children's Services, OP.

hattie43 · 31/10/2023 17:31

You don't sound like your decision making and judgement skills are appropriate for a role in children's services . I'd be horrified if anyone working with my family had such a private life