To ask ds to leave home after this?

[wrappedalready]

I have 3 boys d.s.1 who is 23 and has moved out in the past but is back home at the moment.
I also have ds2 who is 8 and ds1 who is 6 but ds1 is a bully to the youngest, he allows middle son into his room to play PlayStation and listen to music but won't let the youngest in so he's left crying outside his room.
He is visibly irritated by youngest son for acting like any 6 year old child yet takes the 8 year old out buys him things and younger son is left in tears.
I have called him out and he says he doesn't mind ds2 but not ds1.
The youngest boys get on great when it's just them but when my adult ds is home he singles one out and then we have to deal with tears and tantrums.
I'm thinking about asking him to leave if he won't treat them the same,it really doesn't seem fair that he's bullied by his big brother in his own home at 6.

Is your DS1 annoying?

Yep - time for him to find his own place. Put a deadline in place for moving day!

That's awful and at his big age he should know better ! How hurtful for the youngest

He's not as laid back as ds2 but I wouldn't say he's annoying.

Presumably you don’t treat everyone in your life exactly the same, and especially not if you don’t really enjoy their company? It’s unreasonable to expect an adult to enjoy entertaining a small kid, who will be irritating simply by dint of being a small kid. You’re the parent - that’s your job. Forcing DS1 to spend time with his brother who he finds a chore, essentially providing you with free babysitting, or move out of the house, isn’t going to endear him to his youngest brother, not likely to you.

Well, since he has told you he is intentionally bullying an 8 year old i think it is absolutely reasonable that he leaves. Because it is cruel. And you cannot allow cruelty towards a child in their own home.

so tell him it is time to leave as his behaviour is unacceptable.

As the parent, you need to parent all of them - and you can NOT make one of them want to take care of/look after both the younger ones if they do not want to! If the 8 year old is with the 23 year old, then YOU look after and play with the 6 year old! And it is confusing that you called both the 23 year old and the 6 year old DS1 in your OP. Why do you call it bullying? If he is ok to hang out with the 8 year old sometimes - great. But it is not bullying (or at least not from what you have said above). He just doesn't "get" your 6 year old. Maybe in 12 months he will - who knows!

He's not a babysitter, the boys go in his room and he kicks the little one out and not the other, this causes the little one to feel rejected.

Victim blaming much?
He can be the most annoying 6 year old ever, it doesn’t excuse bullying by an adult.

sorry, was supposed to quote the poster who asked if the 6 year old is annoying

Then YOU play with the little one - and that will solve it. Why should your eldest son have to have two children in his room when he doesn't want to?

But he finds DS3 hard work. Because he will be, he’s six. If he only lets him into his room or takes him out to buy things as he does DS2 under threat of being kicked out of the house, that’s not a brotherly relationship - that’s essentially babysitting. There aren’t many 23-year-olds who want to spend time with children young enough to be their own children; it’s more good fortune that he does willingly spend time with DS2.

So it's ok for him to be unkind to the youngest?

He doesn't have to do the same things with him but he doesn't have to be horrible at home.

He's supposedly an adult

Yes. If he can't treat all family members with the same courtesy and respect, then it's time he made his home elsewhere.

He's being intentionally mean but is old enough to know better.

I wouldn’t kick my child out unless the reason was more severe than this.

Is there a step dad/dad in the house

YANBU. He's affecting the family dynamic in a bad way and disrupting the relationship between your DS2 and 3, the children of the house.

It would be OK if he was an annoying teen, but he's not, he's an adult. He's old enough to understand the need to work with you to create a peaceful happy house and a good relationship between the two younger boys, rather than causing difficulties through his favouritism.

Parents shouldn't have to entertain 6yos every second in their own home 🙄.

I presume if he kicked the 8yo out as well, or at least treated them fairly, the younger two might play together.

In NO household of three children to do they all hang out together. THat is jsut the way things are! Let the younger one have a friend over - or do something with them. Don't just blame the older one!

He is 23. I think it is reasonable for him to move out.

Unless he helps, then he can get over himself and be kind to his youngest brother. This is the kind of behavior you see in a 14 year old boy, not a grown man.

They’re not allowed in big brothers room
He may not buy them gifts unless you agree it first.

solved

I think another issue is that ds2 seems to enjoy the special treatment and it comes across as ganging up as he delights in being allowed in while his brother is sent away to cry, but he'll happily play with his little brother when the older is at work.
I feel he should either allow the boys in or not but just to let one in is unkind.

Wtf?

He does not have an annoying personality, he's a lovely lad.

He's 23. He knows he should do better. He chooses not to.

Up to you. But what does he contribute given his age and the fact he is an actual man, not a teenager?