To ask ds to leave home after this?

[wrappedalready]

I have 3 boys d.s.1 who is 23 and has moved out in the past but is back home at the moment.
I also have ds2 who is 8 and ds1 who is 6 but ds1 is a bully to the youngest, he allows middle son into his room to play PlayStation and listen to music but won't let the youngest in so he's left crying outside his room.
He is visibly irritated by youngest son for acting like any 6 year old child yet takes the 8 year old out buys him things and younger son is left in tears.
I have called him out and he says he doesn't mind ds2 but not ds1.
The youngest boys get on great when it's just them but when my adult ds is home he singles one out and then we have to deal with tears and tantrums.
I'm thinking about asking him to leave if he won't treat them the same,it really doesn't seem fair that he's bullied by his big brother in his own home at 6.

I completely agree with you here OP, DS1 is being horrible here. It would be easier if he just snubbed both DS2 and 3, but to just exclude 3 and see him crying outside of his room, omg, I'm almost sobbing here on his behalf, poor chap.

I'm not sure throwing him out is the answer. I am not sure what "calling him out" really means, it sounds to me like something you'd do to a racist on twitter or whatever. Its not "calling out" that is needed, it is a calm mature conversation with DS1 about how his behaviour impacts DS3 and the whole family dynamic. He needs to understand the phycological long term damage that this could have on DS3. Yes, he may be annoying and mess up the computer game, but surely there is something he could do, even outside of computer games or some way he could make DS3 included?

If he is not receptive to this, then the usual stuff people talk about when adult children are at home apply, no washing, buy and cook your own food, pay a much larger housekeep.

He's 6 years old ffs. You're position on this is really strange

Not if the number in the name is significant...

He's 6.

Honestly, are people on here thick?
The older ones will think he's annoying because he's acting like a six year old and they are older so anything a 6 year old does will seem babyish to them.
That doesn't mean the 6 year old is actually annoying!

I was just about to say, replies sound like a bored teenager.

It is not about his choices about who goes in his room, it is about the effect it has on the youngest child’s self esteem. He is belittling him and demoralising him for no good reason except for spite. He needs to understand that bullying like this unacceptable, both at home or as he could find out one day, in the workplace.

A 14 year old didn't write that, if that's what you mean

A 23 year old man is bullying a 6 year old child, that is not right in any context.

How could you possibly know?

What are you on? What a vile comment.

So if the 23 year old goes further from bullying and emotional abuse to physical abuse, that would be the 6 year old's fault too?

If you allow this to carry on @wrappedalready then you are as bad as your horrible bully of a son. And you are teaching your 8 year old such nasty behaviour traits.

Get him gone.

There's a difference between not wanting to interact with your youngest ds and being plain unkind. Singling out one ds for gifts is just mean. I think it's about time he found alternative accommodation, otherwise it will impact your youngest mental health.

If you do an advanced search it is obvious
But from the post alone a 14 year old idiot wouldn't write "mother" they would write "mum" and they also wouldn't understand the whole "other people don't see the sun blowing out your child's arse like you do" kind of thing.

But the advanced search revealed they would continue to set fireworks off even though it upsets their neighbours dog and that they'd prefer their kid to be a thug than a wimp...
Tells you all you need to know.

But I will say I'm asking MNHQ to look into them as theres red flags after doing the advanced search

An adult should be able to understand how hurtful he’s being

Sounds like my ex - as mature as a 14 years old.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy / thanks. Means I don't ever have to take this person seriously (not that there's a chance now)

Who made you the MN prefect?

If they were 10, 8, 6, or even 14, 8, 6, I'd be inclined to accept that sometimes some siblings get on better than others, and work on finding something else to do with the 6 year old so he doesn't feel he's missing out. I think the difference here is that 23 is an adult, and so it's quite a different sort of relationship. None of the other adults in their lives (parents, extended family, teachers, cub leaders, etc) would treat them so differently.

I'd be inclined to say either he allows both younger ones into his room (not necessarily together, but equitably), or neither - if they want to do things together they can do them in shared space. And buying things for them should be equitable too.
Beyond that, you can try appealing to his better nature to find one thing that he might do with the little one that will make him feel valued, but I don't think you can force it.

😂😂😂

Let's see how long you're around for 😜

I wouldn't be surprised if they are a male..

This is so obviously not what’s happening here. This isn’t an adult being asked to babysit or having more in common with one sibling than another. It is a 23-year-old man inviting one small brother into his room to PlayStation and buying him treats while locking the other one out and leaving him crying. However annoying the six-year-old is, a 23-year-old should not be behaving like this. It’s not normal adult behaviour towards child siblings. I have four adult nieces and nephews, and two child nieces. The youngest child has just turned seven and my 21-year-old nephew does find her annoying; he likes peace and quiet and she is very talkative and full-on. But he deals with that like a fucking grown-up, not like a bullying classmate. He will be firm with her and tell her when she needs to leave him alone and he will absolutely tell her she can’t come into his room when he’s playing FIFA or whatever, but he wouldn’t invite his other little sister in and buy her treats while making a point of excluding the younger one, because he’s an adult and he’s not a piece of shit.

Honestly? It sounds to me as if OP’s oldest son is simply picking on the six-year-old and ganging up on him with the eight-year-old because he enjoys hurting the smallest and weakest one in the house. Bully.

When my 22yr old moved back in full time after uni he spent a lot of time with one younger sibling over the other. They are both teenagers granted, but I felt one was being left out, especially as he and the other teenager spent more time together when the eldest wasn’t there. He wasn’t in any way being mean though, they just had more compatible personalities.
I had a word with him and he made more effort, he just hadn’t realised, and as a decent young adult and sibling he wanted to do the right thing. I wouldn’t kick your son out but I would be having a stern word with him. At his age he really should know better. He would no doubt be kinder to a child on the street than he’s being to his sibling.
I also have a (very annoying) 8 yr old who they are all fabulous with, because he’s a small child and they are good kids who know not to be mean to a small child.

Can't believe what I'm reading. I teach and I can guarantee at least half of PP's kids are obnoxious annoying little snots, but adults don't ostracise children because we are mature adults in positions of power, and it can also cause them lasting emotional harm. This applies even in families – I bet most PPs would be unhappy if adult relatives shut their kids out of family activities.

On what OP mentioned, my big brother, who was/is still very temperamental with everyone (though we get on OK now) used to do that all the time. He would invite my little brother in to his room and kick me out (only 2 years difference between each of us), purposely leave me out of games with them, etc.

I can still feel the hurt and confusion when I think back. My big brother was a child then (though still big in my eyes), but an adult (as in your adult DC) is a whole other level. It may really affect your little son's self esteem - "if an adult thinks I'm undesirable, then it's the truth that I am".

I'm also just wondering about any possible backstory. Are they from the same father? My older brother was having a hard time in school/socially, and I was doing well in school/with friends generally, while my little brother was too young to attend school so was inoffensive to him. Could there be any jealousy issues or etc?