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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask ds to leave home after this?

326 replies

wrappedalready · 31/10/2023 13:20

I have 3 boys d.s.1 who is 23 and has moved out in the past but is back home at the moment.
I also have ds2 who is 8 and ds1 who is 6 but ds1 is a bully to the youngest, he allows middle son into his room to play PlayStation and listen to music but won't let the youngest in so he's left crying outside his room.
He is visibly irritated by youngest son for acting like any 6 year old child yet takes the 8 year old out buys him things and younger son is left in tears.
I have called him out and he says he doesn't mind ds2 but not ds1.
The youngest boys get on great when it's just them but when my adult ds is home he singles one out and then we have to deal with tears and tantrums.
I'm thinking about asking him to leave if he won't treat them the same,it really doesn't seem fair that he's bullied by his big brother in his own home at 6.

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 31/10/2023 14:55

wrappedalready · 31/10/2023 13:51

I think another issue is that ds2 seems to enjoy the special treatment and it comes across as ganging up as he delights in being allowed in while his brother is sent away to cry, but he'll happily play with his little brother when the older is at work.
I feel he should either allow the boys in or not but just to let one in is unkind.

Absolutely, he is being desperately unkind. I’d understand if he didn’t want to play with either of them, with such a big age gap, but they are both being cruel and I just wouldn’t put up with it. What the hell is the matter with the posters who think it’s ok to torment a 6 yr old for fucks sake?

OswaldSpengler14 · 31/10/2023 14:56

ohdamnitjanet · 31/10/2023 14:55

Absolutely, he is being desperately unkind. I’d understand if he didn’t want to play with either of them, with such a big age gap, but they are both being cruel and I just wouldn’t put up with it. What the hell is the matter with the posters who think it’s ok to torment a 6 yr old for fucks sake?

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People not giving others what they want isn’t “torment”. Not all will get prizes

penjil · 31/10/2023 14:57

This reply has been deleted

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Exactly. What if the middle son, as he gets older, starts to find the younger one annoying too?

OswaldSpengler14 · 31/10/2023 14:59

penjil · 31/10/2023 14:57

Exactly. What if the middle son, as he gets older, starts to find the younger one annoying too?

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She’ll probably try and steamroll the middle son by trying to kick him out lol.

Everanewbie · 31/10/2023 14:59

OswaldSpengler14 · 31/10/2023 14:56

People not giving others what they want isn’t “torment”. Not all will get prizes

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Come on, really? That's your response? A 6YO is sobbing his heart out day after day and this is your advice?

I'm the first to criticise participation prizes etc. but this is a 6YO being bullied by his brothers, one of which is old enough to be a dad himself.

BalletBob · 31/10/2023 14:59

m00rfarm · 31/10/2023 13:46

In NO household of three children to do they all hang out together. THat is jsut the way things are! Let the younger one have a friend over - or do something with them. Don't just blame the older one!

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Let them have a friend over? What, every night? 🙄This isn't a typical 3 child household. One of the children is a much older grown adult who should be more than capable of understanding that by treating the two younger boys so differently, he is causing friction between the two of them and causing genuine hurt to a 6 year old. By age 23 he ought to be able to behave in a way that doesn't create a horrible dynamic or jeopardise other relationships in the family. It's fine to have a sibling that you get on with better. It's absolutely not fine for an adult to constantly ostracise a 6 year old in their own home.

I'm amazed that so many other grown adults here can't also see the blindingly obvious issue.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 31/10/2023 15:04

You have 2 DS1's

ClareBlue · 31/10/2023 15:04

Leopardpj · 31/10/2023 13:58

I can't believe the posters on this thread who are excusing the treatment of the youngest DS. This is the sort of cruelty that causes lifelong damage.

Agree.
I'm hoping they are just on the wind up and don't really believe that adults excluding 6 year olds and making it obvious they are not wanted or liked is acceptable.

lemmein · 31/10/2023 15:08

I wouldn't kick him out but I also wouldn't let either of the younger kids in his room and I would expect him to be more tolerant of his brother in communal areas. if he can't do that then I'd ask him to look for somewhere else. It's not ok to bully a 6 year old child in his own home, poor kid!

RantyAnty · 31/10/2023 15:08

It's really too much of an age difference between the 23 year old and the younger two to be hanging out. I could see a couple 20 minute sessions a week with everyone included, but not more than that.

It'd be better not to allow the younger two in the 23 year old bedroom and just have them play themselves.

What the oldest is doing is cruel.

Has the oldest been your backup babysitter?

SingleMum11 · 31/10/2023 15:09

No I don’t think that your son has to treat both younger kids the same, and it is not bullying to do so, and it’s way over the top to ask him to move out.

WhichEllie · 31/10/2023 15:10

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 31/10/2023 14:42

But I will say I'm asking MNHQ to look into them as theres red flags after doing the advanced search

If you’re reporting them they seem to be using the allsfairin name to sock puppet as well.

Original poster
wrappedalready · 31/10/2023 15:11

waxeswanes · 31/10/2023 14:51

Can't believe what I'm reading. I teach and I can guarantee at least half of PP's kids are obnoxious annoying little snots, but adults don't ostracise children because we are mature adults in positions of power, and it can also cause them lasting emotional harm. This applies even in families – I bet most PPs would be unhappy if adult relatives shut their kids out of family activities.

On what OP mentioned, my big brother, who was/is still very temperamental with everyone (though we get on OK now) used to do that all the time. He would invite my little brother in to his room and kick me out (only 2 years difference between each of us), purposely leave me out of games with them, etc.

I can still feel the hurt and confusion when I think back. My big brother was a child then (though still big in my eyes), but an adult (as in your adult DC) is a whole other level. It may really affect your little son's self esteem - "if an adult thinks I'm undesirable, then it's the truth that I am".

I'm also just wondering about any possible backstory. Are they from the same father? My older brother was having a hard time in school/socially, and I was doing well in school/with friends generally, while my little brother was too young to attend school so was inoffensive to him. Could there be any jealousy issues or etc?

I have the two younger boys with my husband but the eldest is from a previous relationship, although he has a close relationship with his own dad and step mum and a teen sister he's close too.
He's also very close to my dh who's been in his life and a big support for over 10 years so if it is jealousy that would surprise me as he had a very happy and loving childhood.

OP posts:
Original poster
wrappedalready · 31/10/2023 15:14

The teen sister is his dad and stepmums if that wasn't clear.

OP posts:
curaçao · 31/10/2023 15:15

I dont thibk he is being intentionally unkind, i think he just can relate more to the 8 year old.Six us still pretty young and a very different development stage - not really old enough to be able to play these games well enough not to be annoying for the other pkayers.I am sure in a couple of years he will be included more.
I think you need to be aware that neither of the brothers have a duty to entertain the 6 year old.I can see it is more convenient to you when they do obviously.
The thing is you are going to damage every other rekationship in the family if you follow through kn this half baked plan.The older two will resent you and the six year old.The 8 yo will wonder if he will also be sent away if he doesnt want to play !

Weefreetiffany · 31/10/2023 15:15

OswaldSpengler14 · 31/10/2023 14:27

you’re never too young to learn. There are some incredibly annoying adults who probably wouldn’t suffer the consequences of having an unfortunate personality if they got some guidance at a younger age

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Hmmm thanks for being the perfect example for your argument. Are you actually 14 and a troll?

Soontobe60 · 31/10/2023 15:16

m00rfarm · 31/10/2023 13:31

Then YOU play with the little one - and that will solve it. Why should your eldest son have to have two children in his room when he doesn't want to?

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How will that solve the issue of 6 year old DS3 being ostracised by the adult DS1? He’s repeatedly getting the message ‘I don’t like you or want you near me’ from his eldest brother. That’s the very definition of bullying behaviour.

lemmein · 31/10/2023 15:16

Hmmm thanks for being the perfect example for your argument. Are you actually 14 and a troll?

And male...probably 🙄

Everanewbie · 31/10/2023 15:19

@wrappedalready can you tell us what you meant by "calling him out"? What conversations have you had with DS1 in what context, and how did he react?

bibop · 31/10/2023 15:19

WhichEllie · 31/10/2023 15:10

If you’re reporting them they seem to be using the allsfairin name to sock puppet as well.

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I think you're right. Very transparent.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 31/10/2023 15:22

I wouldn’t want to hang around with a 6yo but there’s absolutely no excuse for bullying.

Tell your eldest that he needs to make more effort with his younger sibling.

Perhaps make a compromise that DS2 plays in DS1s room, after DS3 has gone to bed.

My older sister would often leave my younger brother out and I think there was some jealousy as he was the baby of the family and got more attention, as the eldest she felt she should get the most attention so was quite nasty to him sometimes.

There wasn’t as big of an age gap though and I’d be disgusted with a grown adult bullying a 6yo.

I have worked with many TAs who are similar ages and none of them act like this.

AllWeWantToDo · 31/10/2023 15:22

Your 23 year old sounds awful, I have big age differences between my dc and no way would the 28 year old or 20 year old treat their youngest brother so differently

The younger 2 are 12 and 10 , the 20 year old has more in common with the 12 year old but he wouldn't refuse to have the 10 year old in his room ever however annoying he might be

Soontobe60 · 31/10/2023 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What? Are you mad? This is a 23 year old man ostracising a 6 year old child. The power dynamic is immense!!!

Hankunamatata · 31/10/2023 15:23

I'd sit them all down and draw up household rules for everyone.
If they can stick by them then think about asking older dc to move out

Sugargliderwombat · 31/10/2023 15:24

I would say he's outgrown living with you. If the youngest one is annoying him (fair enough) then he needs to move out of the family home.