To ask ds to leave home after this?

[wrappedalready]

I have 3 boys d.s.1 who is 23 and has moved out in the past but is back home at the moment.
I also have ds2 who is 8 and ds1 who is 6 but ds1 is a bully to the youngest, he allows middle son into his room to play PlayStation and listen to music but won't let the youngest in so he's left crying outside his room.
He is visibly irritated by youngest son for acting like any 6 year old child yet takes the 8 year old out buys him things and younger son is left in tears.
I have called him out and he says he doesn't mind ds2 but not ds1.
The youngest boys get on great when it's just them but when my adult ds is home he singles one out and then we have to deal with tears and tantrums.
I'm thinking about asking him to leave if he won't treat them the same,it really doesn't seem fair that he's bullied by his big brother in his own home at 6.

People have different opinions on this and that is ok

This isn't just excluding your youngest son, it is going to affect the relationship between the two brothers, aged 6 and 8.

My mother did divide and conquer with my siblings and I, and I don't speak to any of them now. This stuff where children are turned against one another can have lasting consequences for sibling relationships.

I think posters would saw a sister shouldn't be "babysitting " any of them. Some of the posts stink of boys will be boys!

I hope you're not a parent.

It's nasty. At 8 and 6, these boys are naturally playmates.

What sort of MAN interferes with that?

It's not acceptable at all. I'd be saying either you treat both boys equally or you will have to find somewhere else to stay as its having a negative effect on little one and you won't be tolerating that

I wouldn’t put up with this. He needs to act like a grown-up or leave.

If that’s the case why does the 8 year-old prefer his brother’s company?

I am amazed by these answers. YANBU at all OP. This basically comes down to an adult purposely excluding a child, and it’s even WORSE because the adult is the child’s sibling! The middle child being allowed in is really mean too. These are 6 & 8 year olds. I have kids those ages, if their adult sibling was perpetuating this dynamic I would be incredibly unimpressed with their lack of maturity and empathy.

Because it makes him feel special and important to be preferred by his exciting older brother who can do all sorts of things he can't. It's not difficult to imagine.

@OswaldSpengler14 - it's quite reasonable for a child to look up to an older sibling.

But, developmentally, it's much better for 8 and 6 DS to play together. Adult attention for children isn't actually much good for them in terms of them learning or getting on with other kids.

Its nice for the 23 year old to say hi and be with both brothers, but not a lot. And not to the exclusion of the youngest.

@OswaldSpengler14 because he is being treated well by the older brother.

Both younger boys will probably really look up to their older brother and want to be like him. Of course he is enjoying having his attention.

He's probably also frightened that if he upsets his older brother he will be treated badly like his little brother is.

Because big brothers are fun to be around the bedroom is probably full of video games that mum and dad don't want him playing, also did you miss that big brother is 23 !

Your DS1 sounds very immature. I would expect that kind of behaviour from a much younger child / young teen.. but a 23 year old? It sounds like he enjoys winding the 6 year old up and playing them off against each other. Not a very nice trait.

I am very bemused by all this 'he must leave' nonsense.

Surely the blaringly obvious thing to do is to just tell him that he can't invite one younger brother to do something unless the other can too. He's not being horrible to the younger one, he just doesn't want to spend 1 on 1 time with him which is fair enough, it's not his child and 6 year olds can be very annoying. Siblings don't 'have' to get on. I hated my brother, doesn't mean I was a terrible mother to my son, the comparison is ridiculous,

Is the 8yo playing age appropriate games when gaming with 23yo?

If you want them both to be treated equally then say the 8-yr-old isn't allowed in the eldest brother's room.

I don't think it's that unusual that the youngest DC (who by your own admission isn't as laidback) doesn't get to do everything his older brother does. There's absolutely no need for a 6-yr-old to be in a 23-yr-old's room playing on a Playstation.

I'm from a big family, there were always rules about who was allowed in which room and no-one expected younger DCs to get the exact same access. If your youngest is upset then that's an issue but there are three ways to solve that - none of which involve throwing your eldest out of the house ie you distract and give 6-yr-old some one-on-one time when 8-yr-old is with his big brother; you say the 8-yr-old isn't allowed in the room any more; you deal with the 6-yr-old's tantrum the way you would when he rebelled about anything he wasn't allowed.

Ahh sibling relationships can be tricky. I have six of the buggers so I know! My eldest brother favoured my other two older siblings and pushed me out too when I was the youngest, broke my little heart back then. My mam tried to insist he include all of us but you just can't force sibling relationships unfortunately.

At 23 though you'd think he'd be old enough to have a bit of empathy for youngest and try and treat them a bit more equally. My older brother was a nowty 11yo at the time, your son is an adult and should be a little bit more balanced and understanding I think. It does sound like he's being needlessly unkind.

Gobsmacked at some of these replies! He is 23!! Not an older teenager learning how to behave like an adult- 23! Twenty flipping three! I had kids and my own home at his age! His behaviour is pathetic and the fact he feels it’s acceptable to bully a small child is quite frankly disgusting.
If he finds his 6 year old brother annoying, the answer is not to be cruel and unkind to him, but to move out and stand in his own two feet!

Yep he'd be out on his ear. 23 is far too old to be at home anyway, never mind bullying a child 17 years younger than him!!

I'm gobsmacked at all the pps defending his bullying!

I am too! Absolutely horrified!

Nice bit of victim blaming there, wow!!!!

Unless you are choosing to be obtuse, the 23 year-old man has toys that the younger children don't. Hence the popularity with both children, the youngest of whom he won't share with.
It may well be the case that the six year-old lacks the dexterity to play advanced computer games or is heavy-handed. In that case, the solution is to not indulge the 8 year-old at the expense of the six year-old.
A cage outside for the youngest might make household management easier, but with the increased likelihood of creating a sociopath - as I suspect you know.

Yes it's just crash, sonic, Mario type games they actually belong to the younger boys but they like to play together against each other or sometimes just listen to music on the laptop.

I can't believe what I'm reading here. Grown adults on this thread justifying leaving a 6 year old child crying and upset because "free babysitting"...which of course they've just made up for whatever reason.

OP I would tell your 23 year old in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't start treating them equally, he'll have to leave. Your poor 6 year old being left out like that.