Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to give daughter cultural name

330 replies

Sia2822 · 31/10/2023 12:58

Hello
I am irish living in the UK (my parents are both Irish and we moved here when I was 2) My partner is Tongan in the pacific islands born in New Zealand in to the Māori culture.

Our first child (a son) was named a Māori name as he wanted and we went through all the names and compromised on one.

I really want to call our daughter Orla which is an Irish name, I don’t just want to call her Orla because it’s an Irish name, I want to use it because I’ve always loved that name and said I’d call future child it. If he doesn’t like that name (which he says he doesn’t) then I have 20 or so other options I like but he just says he doesn’t like them all. He doesn’t even think after I say the name, it’s just an instant no. I’ve asked him to find some baby girl names he likes and he made a list but they’re all Māori names and to be honest I don’t like them. He’s asked me to find a Māori girls name that I do like and although I’m sure there is a few I will like, I want to choose a name I truly want this time not be restricted to a certain culture of names.

Ive told partner that baby may be half tongan but she is also half Irish so it shouldn’t matter if she’s named a Māori name or not, his response to that was Ireland and England have “no culture”. I’ve suggested a Māori name as a middle name but he’s having none of it. Says baby needs a Māori name and that if she has an Irish or English name his family will feel hugely disrespected and that it’s important baby holds her culture in her name.

AIBU for not wanting to choose a cultural name this time?

OP posts:
HardcoreLadyType · 31/10/2023 18:17

GodDammitCecil · 31/10/2023 17:42

How much do you know about the culture and politics of the other side of the world?

I’m not excusing this man for one minute, purely addressing the point that if it’s ignorant for people not to understand the UK, then by extension, that must mean it’s ignorant not to understand the entire world - and that’s simply not possible.

Show quote history

He’s not “the other side of the world”. He lives in the UK, and has done for some years. His partner is Irish. He should make an effort to understand her culture, and not dismiss it entirely, or lump it in with the culture of the country that colonised hers, at the same time that his was being colonised by the exact same people.

cptartapp · 31/10/2023 18:33

Who'd be left with these children if you split?
You most likely.
Choose what you want.

C8H10N4O2 · 31/10/2023 18:42

Sia2822 · 31/10/2023 14:39

Sorry I probably should have clarified this better.
His mum is from Tonga and emigrated from Tonga to NZ, his dad is Māori indigenous to New Zealand. He considers both cultures to be very similar. He doesn’t mind whether the name is Tongan or Māori (although he sways to Māori)

Ive allowed my children to be christened instead of baptised (I am a catholic) I let my son wear his traditional clothing on events which is a sort of dress called a taʻovala. His culture also says that a boy should be circumcised at age 7-15 then there is a celebration after which celebrates them “becoming a man”, he wants to go to Tonga for this when son is old enough (7 in 2 years) I’ve put my foot down about that and apparently that’s disrespectful too. My son is also semi fluent in tongan (taught by him) I know if I was to mention my son learning Gaelic (not that he could as I don’t know it) he would hit the roof.

I probably should have researched his culture more and I am constantly learning, I don’t mind his culture having a role in my life but I am not Tongan nor Māori so I just feel like I should not have to live the culture all the time and it should be mixed cultures.

Yes son has his sir name and it’s not an English sounding surname but it’s not unpronounceable or anything. It’s only 5 letters long.

Edited

So he is half Māori half Tongan born and raised in Māori culture but for circumcision purposes considers himself Tongan? Māori don't circumcise, how did his own parents address that conflict?

LadyEloise1 · 31/10/2023 19:05

I don't think he has a superiority complex. He's just ignorant OP.

TeaAndTattoos · 31/10/2023 19:14

YANBU tell him to fuck off he got his choice with your first child now you’re getting your choice and if he doesn’t like it then that’s just tough. If you really wanted to compromise you could use a Māori middle name but you don’t need to do that if you don’t want to. He’s just being an arsehole.

PositanoBay · 31/10/2023 19:32

@Sia2822 But isn't Orla a 'cultural' name?
I digress though - you say he's your partner, so he gets no say in the name then does he?

Yalta · 31/10/2023 19:34

Someoneonlyyouknow

I don't think his culture is more important than hers, but he seems to have more traditions (dress and language) that he actively keeps up. That may be partly because he has moved away. He should not be dismissing his partner's (and children's) Irish heritage at all

All that is for show. If he truly loved the Maori culture he wouldn’t have moved away from it and then had children with someone from a separate culture

He can dress his children up in all the costumes and observe all the traditions and teach them the language and name them Maori names
But for all that it won’t make them any less than 50% Irish

It begs the question, is he preparing them to relocate to back to NZ

Whilst New Zealand might be part of the Commonwealth, it has strange laws of residency when it comes to children.
If they are with their father and he is from NZ and he decides to visit “home” with them then doesn’t return. You won’t see them again.

As you aren’t married please even if you went together to register your ds’s birth. Do not do the same with your dd.

Call her what ever you like and leave him off the birth certificate and please make sure as your ds’s 7th birthday approaches that you have his passport and I think you can notify the authorities that your ds could be at risk of child abduction.

What on on earth do you see in someone who really thinks that only his culture and his wants and needs are met as you are beneath him.

Evaka · 31/10/2023 19:43

OP you've much greater problems than naming your baby. He sounds really dense. Irish culture is rich and beautiful if he'd bother his arse to learn anything about your background. You should learn and teach your kids Gaeilge, and call the next baby something extra special like Fionnghuala or Bláthnaid to really get on his tits. Get them all enrolled in irish dancing, playing GAA at the weekends and performing Sean Nós every evening.

Also folks, all names are cultural!

GodDammitCecil · 31/10/2023 19:53

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/10/2023 17:52

New Zealand is in the Commonwealth!! We're not talking about some random unassociated country here. It shares a Monarch with the UK!

Show quote history

You accused a PP (not the OP, nor her ‘D’P) of being ignorant of UK politics. Well, how much do you know about ours, given we share a monarch?

I’m not defending the (not so D)P….?

Boomboom22 · 31/10/2023 20:08

NZ does seem to have some odd laws. They did very odd things in covid too. Def don't visit unless you are 100% certain he intends to come back with you.

CliffsofMohair · 31/10/2023 20:24

Gremlins101 · 31/10/2023 16:46

Yes, you need to max out and spell it Orlaith. And tell him not to insult your family when he complains.

Show quote history

Orflaidth to really go full Irish

pennsylvaniasixfivethousand · 31/10/2023 20:29

Boomboom22 · 31/10/2023 20:08

NZ does seem to have some odd laws. They did very odd things in covid too. Def don't visit unless you are 100% certain he intends to come back with you.

NZ has become a dystopian woke nightmare since saint Jacinda was in power

GodDammitCecil · 31/10/2023 20:31

Boomboom22 · 31/10/2023 20:08

NZ does seem to have some odd laws. They did very odd things in covid too. Def don't visit unless you are 100% certain he intends to come back with you.

Our COVID response wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t all bad….?

#offtopic

New Zealand Covid response saved 20,000 lives, study says | New Zealand | The Guardian

Government’s strategy, which included closing the border, meant death rate was 80% lower than in the US, according to the New Zealand Medical Journal

https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2023/oct/06/new-zealand-covid-strategy-saves-lives

Barnowlsandbluebells · 31/10/2023 20:33

pennsylvaniasixfivethousand · 31/10/2023 20:29

NZ has become a dystopian woke nightmare since saint Jacinda was in power

Show quote history

Thank goodness they got rid of her. Not a moment too soon.

Amaya4 · 31/10/2023 20:43

So many red flags and alarm bells. This will never work out .. you need to leave him for your childrens sake.

Bananacup · 31/10/2023 21:32

There's some pretty awful stuff on this thread to the tune of 'If he cares so much about his culture why doesn't he go home'. Newsflash, you're allowed to live in a different country and care about your culture of origin.

Bananacup · 31/10/2023 21:34

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/10/2023 17:52

New Zealand is in the Commonwealth!! We're not talking about some random unassociated country here. It shares a Monarch with the UK!

Show quote history

So you're familiar with the constitutional dynamics of Cyprus, Kenya, and Vanuatu? Could describe which islands do and do not belong to each member of the Commonwealth?

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 31/10/2023 21:45

OP I am raging on your behalf!!! Is amadán mór é. I can't believe he thinks his culture is superior. This is definitely one for digging your heels in and standing your ground. This must be very upsetting, I hope things are OK for you

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/10/2023 22:17

GodDammitCecil · 31/10/2023 19:53

You accused a PP (not the OP, nor her ‘D’P) of being ignorant of UK politics. Well, how much do you know about ours, given we share a monarch?

I’m not defending the (not so D)P….?

Show quote history

No, I didn't actually. I was saying they were ignorant to not know that Northern Ireland was in the UK and that Ireland wasn't.

GodDammitCecil · 31/10/2023 22:44

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/10/2023 22:17

No, I didn't actually. I was saying they were ignorant to not know that Northern Ireland was in the UK and that Ireland wasn't.

Show quote history

Right. And how much do you know about our politics, given we share a monarch?

Manadou · 31/10/2023 23:00

@pennsylvaniasixfivethousand

NZ has become a dystopian woke nightmare since saint Jacinda was in power

I quite like her. Spent 3 years there and I reckon the UK could do with a leader like that. A lot nicer than Johnson or Sunak. As for 'woke' what does that even mean?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/10/2023 23:10

GodDammitCecil · 31/10/2023 22:44

Right. And how much do you know about our politics, given we share a monarch?

Show quote history

I'd say a decent amount. I have family in NZ and not too long ago was planning to move there but due to political reasons, decided against it. Also have family in Australia and Canada as well as other countries, so do follow politics in various other countries. My previous comments weren't particularly politically minded though, more basic geography, in my opinion. Surely you must be equally as frustrated that there are some people in the UK who think NZ is part of Australia?

ohdamnitjanet · 01/11/2023 07:40

Well he can go fuck himself, when he squeezes a baby out maybe he’ll have a little more say. Orla is a beautiful name, go and register her yourself and please give her your surname too. No Irish culture? Wanker!

AgentJohnson · 01/11/2023 07:52

I think finding a name you agree on is the least of your problems. He is essentially saying it’s his way or no way and has no qualms in denigrating your heritage in getting his way. If you think his high handled, disrespectful bullying is going to be restricted to the naming of your child, you’ll be in for a rude awakening.

Stand your ground.

Lennon80 · 01/11/2023 07:55

If the baby is having his surname you pick forst name to represent your culture - it’s your baby! I’d go register her myself and not even put him on the birth certificate - he’s clearly a nob and there will be custody issues later on and this makes life easier.