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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've spent my holiday fund

772 replies

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 12:52

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

OP posts:
TheOwlChronicles · 30/10/2023 13:36

This reply has been deleted

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Itwasamemo3 · 30/10/2023 13:37

What are you wanting people to say ?

otherwayup · 30/10/2023 13:37

EspressoMacchiato · 30/10/2023 12:53

Sorry OP I can never understand not pooling money as a married couple. It’s a bizarre concept for me.

Really?
You only have to read the literally hundreds of divorce threads on here to understand why financial independence is so vital.

And yes, it's not romantic but then neither are the statistics on marriage/divorce!

HamBone · 30/10/2023 13:39

YaWeeFurryBastard · 30/10/2023 13:11

If he wants a holiday with his wife, he needs to start acting like a husband and sharing his wealth.

Show quote history

That seems like the simplest solution to me, @YaWeeFurryBastard . 🤷

Keeping your finances separate is fine, OP, many people do the same (including myself) but it’s unusual not to ever treat your spouse, especially if one of you has been gifted substantial savings. Don’t you have a joint bank account or credit card? We book holidays on our joint credit card and the payment either comes out of our joint account or one of us contributes more money to the trip- especially if it’s our idea and we really want our spouse to go.

Legally, you and your DH are a financial unit anyway.

PegasusReturns · 30/10/2023 13:39

OP DH and I have mainly separate finances (and 4 DC - shock horror!) so I get the way up.

I do think what you spent your money on makes a difference. If it was training, therapy, surgery etc then I’d expect your DH to pay for you to go on holiday if he has the funds.

if it was funding a trip to the US to follow Britney Spears, purchasing a designer handbag or self publishing a book then it reasonable for him to say you made your choices.

that said it seems like he wants you to go, has he said he won’t pay?

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/10/2023 13:40

Well, if you insist on splitting everything 50:50 and not joining your money, this happens. He presumably doesn't want to share money either, so either he pays for you or you can't go. There isn't a choice in it. It's the consequences of the system you've chosen.

PegasusReturns · 30/10/2023 13:41

Legally, you and your DH are a financial unit anyway

what do you mean by that? Married persons have no rights over their spouses assets.

Mylovelygreendress · 30/10/2023 13:42

EspressoMacchiato · 30/10/2023 12:53

Sorry OP I can never understand not pooling money as a married couple. It’s a bizarre concept for me.

I don’t know why so many people say they “ don’t understand “ couples not pooling money . Why is it so hard to accept that people do things differently? I have been married for more than 30 years . We have a joint account for bills and separate accounts for ourselves .
I don’t understand what you don’t understand!!

jannier · 30/10/2023 13:42

I don't get the being a couple but not paying for each other, it's like well I don't expect this relationship to last so I'm not risking my money in which case don't get into the relationship.
I don't get I won't contribute to something that doesn't benefit me either unless it's something really stupid and wasteful like buying a luxury sports car you can't afford.

I'd just say I'm happy to go away but as agreed back in ..........I spent my money on X if you fancy a trip can we afford it on what we've both got saved I've got X you've got y so where can we go?

Original poster
OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:43

I'm really happy with the system we've chosen. I was super clear when I discussed it with him, that I would be spending my holiday budget. It didn't mean, but could you buy me a holiday.

I am not considering divorce, but I were I don't think it's a total case of 50/50 split of finances as we have no dependents and it's a relatively short marriage at the moment.

OP posts:
nervesonnerves · 30/10/2023 13:43

it seems like you just need to keep reiterating and saying the same thing to him every time he asks. When does he want to go?... how long is this likely to last.

Maybe he thinks you'll give in and agree and somehow find the money, or maybe he wants your agreement that the holiday looks nice, and then he'll pay for both of you?

Otherwise, it seems like you need to say the same thing again and again and keep reminding him.

A bit like reminding them constantly that the 'dishwasher zone' is not the same thing as the dishwasher...lol..

Feraldogmum · 30/10/2023 13:45

That's not a marriage ,you're housemates.

Original poster
OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:45

I am not prepared to get into debt to pay for a holiday on a credit card. I have no debt and don't want any. I could afford the one-off cost but not alongside a holiday, it was one or the other and I was very clear.

I think he'd like me to put it on a credit card. I've just thought of this so sorry if it's considered drip feeding.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 30/10/2023 13:45

I don't understand how, as your husband, he wouldn't be offering to pay for you if he can afford it. Isn't that the point of being married, that you share the same standard of living? And he shouldn't be expecting you to pay it back either. I'd certainly pay for my husband to go on hols if he couldn't afford it. But we've had progressively joint finances since before getting married so even if it's money in an individual bank account it's all our money if the other needs it or if we want to go on holiday it's paid by our joint account which we pay into proportionate to income.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/10/2023 13:46

Feraldogmum · 30/10/2023 13:45

That's not a marriage ,you're housemates.

You don’t get to decide what marriage means for other people.

Beautiful3 · 30/10/2023 13:46

Well if he asks again just say, "I already told you that I don't have the money for it. Using the christmas present fund doesn't work either, as £200 isn't enough for a holiday! We can go away next year."

HomiesAlone · 30/10/2023 13:47

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Bloodsweatntears · 30/10/2023 13:47

I suppose the questions are 1) Will he offer to pay for you, and 2) would you accept if he did?

If he will not pay, it’s easy, there’s no question of you going and you need to ask him to stop going on about it.

If he will pay for you, you need to decide if you’re happy to accept.

It might change your dynamics if he did pay - would you be happy with that.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 30/10/2023 13:48

PegasusReturns · 30/10/2023 13:41

Legally, you and your DH are a financial unit anyway

what do you mean by that? Married persons have no rights over their spouses assets.

Utter bollocks, what on earth gave you that idea? 😂 The literal point of marriage in the UK is it gives the spouses rights over each others assets.

HamBone · 30/10/2023 13:49

PegasusReturns · 30/10/2023 13:41

Legally, you and your DH are a financial unit anyway

what do you mean by that? Married persons have no rights over their spouses assets.

I meant if they split up, all (well, there might be a few exceptions) assets would be considered.

Anyway, that was a side comment to the OP’s question. Overall, I’m finding this thread rather depressing as it’s lovely to treat your spouse to things and it seems that hasn’t occurred to her DH.

I supported DH while he did a two-year Master’s and we went on a lovely holiday at the end, plus two weddings in the middle. It never occurred to me not to pay for him to go. He then supported me while I did mine.

You can maintain separate finances and still do this- why wouldn’t you want to treat the person you love so much?

RommyRommyRommm · 30/10/2023 13:49

Walk away now OP, you’ve upset a few people by not saying what you’ve spend your holiday fund on. They’re such nosy mares 😆

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/10/2023 13:50

I’d just be blunt with him. “I’ve spent my holiday budget on X, as you know. Stop showing me holidays I can’t afford”.

Original poster
OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:50

I seem to be upsetting people with my pointless thread by not giving away the reasons for my spend and for not being a properly married unit. Soz!

OP posts:
Londonscallingme · 30/10/2023 13:50

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 12:55

He has had several holidays this year with his friends. He wants to go with me.

Well then he’ll have to pay for it then! What is he expecting you to do? Magic the money out of nowhere?

jannier · 30/10/2023 13:51

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:45

I am not prepared to get into debt to pay for a holiday on a credit card. I have no debt and don't want any. I could afford the one-off cost but not alongside a holiday, it was one or the other and I was very clear.

I think he'd like me to put it on a credit card. I've just thought of this so sorry if it's considered drip feeding.

Just say no I've not got the money so if you really want to go we will either have to find something in your budget or you go alone I can't justify borrowing for a holiday then struggling to pay it for a year then borrowing next year we agreed to forgo it....there are these spa breaks I could afford a few days at ..