I've spent my holiday fund

[OverratedHoliday]

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

I mentioned children as quite often that is the reason given why finances should be pooled. The simpler answer is that neither of us want to pool our funds, we're both independent. I couldn't bear the thought of being dependent on a man for anything. I'm happily married to a man who feels the same as I do most of the time.

I like holidays but think he likes them more. I am not fussed about giving up the holiday and he said he wasn't but now seems to be.

The thing is, it doesn't really matter if you're being unreasonable or not (you're not btw!). The money has gone and can't be brought back - you're not being reasonable or unreasonable at this point because you can't do anything about that.

I guess the only thing you can do is keep saying "it looks lovely DH, but I can't afford it, remember? Shall we book it for 2025?"

So just say
That looks great, perhaps we can book it for June 2025 (or whatever date)

Personally I don't see how relationships can work when finances are uneven, for this reason, but if that's the way you've both chosen to have things, he'll have to go on his own or with a friend.

I dont understand being married and not pooling funds. I couldn't live like this.
@CharlotteRumpling

Noone is asking you to understand, and not everyone is the same as you. The OP chooses to be financially dependent which is fair enough. This isn't what the argument is about, you've simply made a statement about yourself with no benefit to the OPs situation. Broaden your horizons little.

Did it occur to him he can treat you to the holiday?

Does he treat you or is he stingy in other areas too?

For those confused please don't be. Relationships are perfectly compatible with separate finances. It's only when one party decides to go back on what they've agreed that a problem occurs.

Do you buy gifts for each other? Could your DH taking you on holiday at his expense be a Christmas/Birthday/Anniversary gift?

Why don't you just be straight with him and say I haven't got the money so you'll have to pay for me if you want me to go on holiday?

A good husband would pay for his wife to go on holiday

He has suggested that we forego Christmas presents and put it towards a holiday instead, but the holiday he's looking at is £1500 each and I would normally spend about £200 on his Christmas present. Sadly I don't have the extra £1300.

@Crinkle77 I have.

Not really, because he can afford a spur of the moment holiday and you can't.

Him changing his mind is only the same thing as waking up one morning and thinking I'd like a holiday, I'll book one.

What exactly do you want people to say then?

I'm confused at what you are asking of people.

You told your husband you wouldn't be able to contribute to a holiday as you were buying something else. He heard you and acknowledged this yes?

He now keeps showing you holidayed etc.

What happens when you say ' remember when I spent my money and we agreed? Stop going on about it unless you want to pay for my share.'

Or haven't you said that?

What a total non issue

Next time he mentions it ask him what part of "I haven't got the money" doesn't he understand?

You can only repeat what you've said, and suggest going the following year. I think it's important for him to accept that your finances are more limited than his, as he clearly doesn't already. There is no magic money tree. He can do what he wants with that information but as a minimum, he needs to accept it!

Of course it does.

It really makes no difference whatsoever how you like to live your life; this is how the OP and her husband decide to live theirs. Your set-up is irrelevant. Not everyone has to have exactly the same financial set-up, married or otherwise.

YANBU because you warned him, BUT, there is a mismatch of values here. I'd be pretty gutted to not be able to go on holiday with DH if he said he couldn't (or didn't want to) go. I wonder if a shared savings account just for holidays would be worth considering if it's something important in the relationship, maybe contribute proportionally if there is a big difference in salaries.

That might not be something you'd want to do if holidays aren't a priority for you, I suppose it depends how important they are to your DH as well. I have to admit, due to how important they are to me, if DH suddenly went off holidays that would cause a big issue in our relationship.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, if he minded missing the holiday he should have said something before the money was spent. It’s not like he’s been stuck at home either if he’s been away with friends.

I don’t get why it’s so important to pool money either as long as the bills are shared in a way that works for everyone.

@Icefoot he can afford to do a lot of things if he wants to that I can't - it doesn't make it any more or less confusing that we don't want combined finances. It's equally my choice.

I would just write on a post-it note 'I have no holiday budget because we agreed I would spend my personal funds on XXX instead, which I have done'. Whenever he brings it up, just keep handing him the sticky note, until he gets it.

Sorry I meant YANBU!

Why is it so hard to understand that people do things differently ?

I'm spending money on physiotherapist at the moment. Six months waiting list to even see someone. My spine, hip and shoulder rotor cuff are my priority just now.

Different priorities which partner should respect re @OverratedHoliday