I've spent my holiday fund

[OverratedHoliday]

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

Well, in my case DH earns vastly more than me- we have DC and I did most of the childcare as we had no family help- plus I work in a lower paying profession. Pooling seems to be the fairest way for us. We both spend what we want to on smaller things and consult each other for the big things.

I wouldn't be happy with him going off on holiday while I sat at home because I couldn't pay. Or him eating posh meals while I ate at McDonalds.

But you don’t need to pool. He could pay a proportionate amount of bills (if not all) and additional expenses. Pooling isn’t a requirement. My husband and I earn around the same (sometimes I’ve out earned him and vice versa) - no one is disadvantaged but equally we all have our own money, like adults. It’s ridiculous to expect everyone to pool finances.

I wouldn't look down on him at all if he had a low paid job like a carer, separate finances have nothing to do with looking down on those who have low paid jobs.

It just simply works the best for us.

Well, we have been married for over 25 years, so it seems to work. Nobody HAS to do anything, but this is the way we do it. I can't really be bothered with figuring out proportional amount of bills and neither can he. We do travel a lot and I do a fair few solo trips.

This is why different things work for different people. I wouldn't be happy at all to discuss what I could or couldn't buy with my own money which is why pooling would never work for us because it would cause resentment.

But in some cases, I can see how it would be the fairest way. Especially if one of the couples has gone part time for childcare reasons or is a SAHP etc.

What even is your question?

You've just stated the facts.
Unless he pays for you, you won't be coming, it's quite simple isn't it?

We have separate finances to a degree, each pay share of expenses. But when we go on holiday we just cobble it together since we are married. Sometimes i might pay more or all, sometimes he does.
Yours sounds more like roommate's financial situation.

I think it works because we are both very frugal and don't buy much stuff. No question of asking his permission to buy a Hermes bag because I don't want one. We do spend on experiences. But both of us are on the same page on that.

I understand separate finances but not ever treating your spouse or picking up any of their slack seems a miserable way to live. The safety of separate finances doesn’t have to equal being tight.

@SouthLondonMum22 but if someone is on significantly lower salary then they wouldn’t be able to afford similar spends than their partner. So their partner could wear new clothes and buy them regularly whereas the partner on the lower wage could possibly only afford clothes from a charity shop.

And there have been a few posters on here who have said they do go on holiday without their partner because the partner couldn’t afford it and if they want to go on holiday they should get a better job!

Yours sounds more like roommate's financial situation.

And as it’s been explained multiple times on this thread, saying that a loving relationship who manage their finances differently from others, is like flatmates is actually quite insulting and disrespectful

It depends on the situation for me. Like I said, a lower salary because of caring reasons or because they had a gap due to being a SAHP for 10 years or whatever then I agree that it is fairest to pool.

Someone with the potential to earn more money but not doing it because they don't fancy it? That's absolutely fine but I wouldn't be pooling my finances with them as they are capable of earning more themselves and aren't entitled to pooling finances just because we're married.

@SouthLondonMum22 I don’t mean a carer to a family member I mean carer as a job. So they could possibly have a better paid job but they prefer being a carer

If they've always had that job, fair enough. I'd have known that when marrying them or if they decided to take a similar job to help juggle childcare, again, fair enough.

But if they wanted to quit their job totally or for a lower paid one and expected me to carry the financial load just because they fancied it? No, I wouldn't be happy. It would of course be different if they couldn't work at all or only very little due to disability/illness.

In your shoes, OP, I would reiterate that it had been jointly agreed that you would spend your holiday fund on something other than a holiday this year. If he is so desperate that the 2 of you should have a holiday, he will need to fund it as you can't, and are not prepared to get into debt for it.

Or a horse.

A bag, I think.

Exactly this!

This is the longest thread ever when realistically the relatively boring resolution will be OP doesn't go on holiday, husband does 😂 hopefully it gets through to him and he's respectful of it, then it'll just be a learning curve going forward x

Well there are really only two possible outcomes. Either OP doesn't go on holiday, or her husband covers it.

Nothing wrong with having your own finances. I also practice the same and if there’s anything we want to do eg new bathroom, new carpets etc we just go half each. Never a drama. And if one point one of us doesn’t have the funds the other does and we cover each other, not because we have to but because we want to. Sounds like your husband just wants you to ‘find’ the money.. eg credit card, but if it’s a no then it’s a no. You spoke about it before hand and he agreed so he’s just going to have to get over that or cover the costs himself? x

Me and my husband have the same set up. We don't pool, we have separate finances. Bills are split between us. He does pay for more in terms of meals out or treats etc because he earns more. For holidays, we find something we can both afford. I have my own business though and would never want his oar in my finances, however I was a single parent for a long time which is where this stems from.

Just be completely straight, either he pays for you to go or you don't want to hear anymore about it. End of.

In your position, the only solution is to tell him that you are a bit perplexed about his continually showing you / whining about no couple holiday. What does he want you to do about it? Ask him flat out, with no humour or anger. Ask if he's having congitive issues, memory problems or if he's doing it to annoy you? Then wait for his response. Wait in silence, with a pleasant, neutral expression.

His options are: Pay for you to join him - not ''loan'' you the money - or Shut It.