I've spent my holiday fund

[OverratedHoliday]

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

He just keeps talking about it and showing me holidays on his phone?? I've said I have spent my holiday budget. He doesn't seem to hear it.

When he shows you the pictures reply 'that looks nice, you'll have to tell me about it when you get back'.

He just keeps talking about it and showing me holidays on his phone?? I've said I have spent my holiday budget. He doesn't seem to hear it.

Remind him you can't shit money and ask him what his proposed solution is?

Well I'd be pissed off if my partner spent all of his disposable on a thing for him (and yes, it absolutely does matter what that thing is) and so couldn't afford to go on holiday with me, whether or not he discussed it with me first.

Surely you are just keeping him in debt to you then? That seems wrong. Either yous join budgets or live to the lower one, at least for joint things.

Op you surely can choose to use your budget how you want. You were willing to forgo your holiday for it, that’s fine. You can’t expect your oh to pay for you, but likewise he can’t expect you to go when you have spent your budget. Don’t loan it of him or otherwise. Tell him you aren’t going.

Yes, unless he offers to pay for you. Why wouldn’t he? You’re married. It’s the sort of thing you do for each other isn’t it?

@OverratedHoliday i would just say to him that if he wants to go on holiday to pay for you and you pay for next years holiday for you both. It shouldn’t be this hard with finances it shouldn’t be negotiations like this where your made to feel you can’t spend money on something you needed etc for the initial spend, how come the separation of finances is so regimented?

I never expected him to pay for me. I was very clear, this was my holiday budget I was spending.

But surely that’s an argument you would have at the time of the discussion?

Once it’s already been discussed, you surely wouldn’t act surprised the moneys been spent?

Why not pool your finances? There will always be inequalities within a marriage when money is separated like this.

Oh - let me guess - he earns more, and doesn't want to share.

Over the years my OH and I have swapped several times who earns more - but we always have the same "pocket money" as each other each month - the rest being used for bills / holidays / large ticket items / food etc.

NB - I know some people get really upset with adults having "pocket money" - its the term we both use and works for us. It could equally be called spending money, beer money, gin money, ice-cream money, birthday money - the result is the same. An amount of money that is ours to do as we wish each month. The point being it is equal and fair.

Same here, we’ve swapped who’s the highest earner, but we both get equal ‘spends’ and the rest is pooled

We have always earned about the same, very little difference. But he has a pool of money from his parents in a nice savings account and I don't.

I don't overspend and this cost is a one-off.

Why can't he go on his own? Is he helpless?

Not everyone wants to do that. I would never ever pool my finances with a man.

OP you discussed it with him first so it's tough, unless he is willing to pay for you to go.

I'd keep saying to him that it sounds lovely and you could really do with a break and would love a holiday.

Then say no more.

You've already said you can't fund a holiday this year. He may surprise you and cover you this time.

No he's not helpless - he wants a holiday with his wife but wife has spent her holiday funds.

Does he acknowledge that you clearly discussed it with him before spending the money? Just stand firm ... I have spent my money and cannot afford to go on holiday. If he is so desperate for your company then why can't he treat you?

For some people holidays are very important, but not everyone feels the same. We actually have totally joint, shared finances but my DH enjoys holidays much more than I do so we accept that more money is spent on his holidays .. I don't feel I have to spend the 'same' on something for myself ... so long as we are both happy and no one feels taken advantage of them what does it matter? (And I much prefer being able to stay home alone in peace ).

If he wants a holiday with his wife, he needs to start acting like a husband and sharing his wealth.

What have children got to do with anything. You're married, you're a team.

Anyway As you have similar incomes he should cough up for you to go together this time, and you pay another time.

Just tell him you would love a holiday but do not have funds so he would need to pay - whatever you do don’t get into debt for a holiday

I think DH is being unreasonable here. I hate the MN obsession with 'family money' and posters responding in faux confusion at the thought of other couples not pooling their money into one big pot.

You've told DH your plans, now you can't go on holiday. That's your decision with your money and fair enough.
Your DH is getting holidays with friends, he can't go with you. Tough shit. There's no point him sulking about it, he either enjoys his holidays with friends or offers to pay for you to join him. He can't have everything.

You say "tell you what hubby, I can't afford to choose a holiday as I bought a car/computer/gigalo, but if you want me to go on holiday with you I'm happy to - you pick the location and you pay and I'll pack appropriately." Simple. There's having separate finances which is fine but then you don't need to take his criticism if you choose how to spend your money, your marriage certificate is not a contractual obligation to pay for a holiday each year

I don't understand why there is any debate about this. His choice - either he pays for you, or he doesn't - it's as simple as that.

I dont understand being married and not pooling funds. I couldn't live like this.

If your married, then you already have. If you get divorced the courts won't care if you have separate bank accounts, or that a pension is in one persons name only or that the house is in one name only.

If you have separate finances ask him to pay for your holiday and then pay him back.