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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've spent my holiday fund

772 replies

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 12:52

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

OP posts:

CoatesCat · 30/10/2023 13:52

I don't understand what you AIBU question is. Are you being unreasonable to not be able to afford a holiday? No of course not. What else is there. Your husband can "'want" anything his heart desires but if he wants this holiday and he wants you to be on it he has to pay for both of you??

itsmylife7 · 30/10/2023 13:53

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:10

No he's not helpless - he wants a holiday with his wife but wife has spent her holiday funds.

Show quote history

Then he needs to pay for his wife !

Original poster

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:53

Feraldogmum · 30/10/2023 13:45

That's not a marriage ,you're housemates.

I think my marriage certificate says otherwise.

OP posts:

jannier · 30/10/2023 13:53

nutbrownhare15 · 30/10/2023 13:45

I don't understand how, as your husband, he wouldn't be offering to pay for you if he can afford it. Isn't that the point of being married, that you share the same standard of living? And he shouldn't be expecting you to pay it back either. I'd certainly pay for my husband to go on hols if he couldn't afford it. But we've had progressively joint finances since before getting married so even if it's money in an individual bank account it's all our money if the other needs it or if we want to go on holiday it's paid by our joint account which we pay into proportionate to income.

Agree it seems for some what's mine is mine applies for everything you can't just be generous. I wonder if every meal is split too.

PrincessFiorimonde · 30/10/2023 13:53

Do you have a savings account - albeit one with much less money than your DH's? So you could actually pay for a holiday, but you'd (perfectly understandably) prefer to keep a little buffer of savings instead?

Or is it that you don't actually have a savings account, but your DH thinks you do? (Perhaps he just assumes that everyone has some savings?) So he thinks if he can find a lovely-looking, cheapish holiday, you'll cave in, admit you have a few quid stashed away, and agree to dig into this pot to fund your half of the trip?

BirthdayFlower · 30/10/2023 13:53

otherwayup · 30/10/2023 13:37

Really?
You only have to read the literally hundreds of divorce threads on here to understand why financial independence is so vital.

And yes, it's not romantic but then neither are the statistics on marriage/divorce!

Show quote history

Having money in separate accounts is irrelevant if you get divorced.

OP, of course YANBU. I think if I were your husband I might feel disappointed that you chose the other thing over a holiday with me (depending on what the other thing is- I'm assuming something like a holiday with friends- obviously different if it was something more important) but the time for feeling that and mentioning it was when you first raised this, not now when the money has been spent.

HamBone · 30/10/2023 13:54

OverratedHoliday · 30/10/2023 13:50

I seem to be upsetting people with my pointless thread by not giving away the reasons for my spend and for not being a properly married unit. Soz!

Of course you’re a properly married unit, @OverratedHoliday , my DH and I have had separate finances (except when one of us was studying) for over 20 years.

But I’m questioning why he won’t treat you when he clearly has the money and clearly wants you to go?
That’s what is unusual and not great, tbh.

Resilience · 30/10/2023 13:54

DH is being unreasonable, but not necessarily massively so.

My DH and I have separate finances and earn the same, so I get where @OverratedHoliday is coming from. I got burned badly when a previous relationship ended and XP emptied the account of all my wages and there was nothing I could do about it. I now have a joint account with DH that we each put a set amount into each month to cover the bills. We also have our own bank accounts that our own wages go into and after paying our half of the bills the remainder is ours to do as we please. It's about the same on a typical month so fair.

However, sometimes one of us will have an additional expense or something unforeseen (e.g. expensive bill for car). It can leave one a bit shorter than the other. In that case the other one usually just pays more. Occasionally we'll pay each other back if it's a large amount but we don't really keep tabs as it tends to balance out in the end. My DH had two weekends away with his mates earlier in the year. It left him a bit short for a couple of months afterwards. I expected that but when he was still short the month after that I realised he'd also had to pay out for new tyres on his car. It all adds up but if you have separate accounts it's easy to underestimate just how tight one person's budget can be in comparison to the other's, even when you have the same income. You can find yourself making judgments about people's spending habits without really understanding things.

In the OP's shoes I'd probably 'kill with kindness' and forensically detail my finances with DH so he could see there was no spare money for the holiday. If nothing else it would hopefully bore him enough to take me at my word next time. However, it may just help him see the OP isn't prioritising other spending over him (as he may feel about it). Or you could just tell him he's being irritating.

CaineRaine · 30/10/2023 13:54

Rinse and repeat every time he shows you a holiday - “that looks nice but unless it’s your treat or only costs £200, I won’t be going with you as I’ve already committed my holiday fund to X this year”. I think it’s quite rude of him to continue to cajole you into something you’ve told him you can’t afford.

Codlingmoths · 30/10/2023 13:55

I’d be fed up. And I wouldn’t put a hoody’s on the credit card!
next time ‘I’ve spent my holiday money. You know this, why do you keep mentioning it??? I am starting to feel like you think that just because you get lots of holidyas and don’t have to make tough financial decisions that I should be able to magic money up and it is getting upsetting. Yes if I had the money I’d go on holiday with you but I Do Not Have The Money. Now stop rubbing it in.

JustAMinutePleass · 30/10/2023 13:55

He can’t go on holiday with you if he expects you to pay for it. Just keep reminding him of that. But at the same time if he offers to pay for the holiday with his savings I wouldn’t refuse: you don’t need to have children to do or pay for nice things with each other.

Clarinet1 · 30/10/2023 13:55

I think this is not about whether couples should pool all finances or not. The point is that the OP had a clear discussion about spending her holiday budget on something else and got agreement. If the DP is now hankering after another holiday and specifically wants it to be with OP (quite sweet on the surface actually), then, on this occasion, it needs to come out of his “treats” budget or savings.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 30/10/2023 13:56

Obviously if you've already spent the money, then you can't afford the holiday .

If your OH wants to go away with you, it will have to be to somewhere that he can afford to pay for both of you .

No other option really, is there? From what you say, he had the choice to comment before you spent your money on the alternative thing .

Londonscallingme · 30/10/2023 13:56

Does he offer any solution to this problem? You consulted him, which all seems very reasonable, and you’ve spent your holiday budget. Is he somehow expecting you to change your mind? I assume it’s not possible for you to recoup the money you’ve already spent? I don’t understand what he’s hoping will happen.

TheABC · 30/10/2023 13:56

There are only two months left in the year, OP. Tell him to plan ahead for 2024 and you can go on holiday then, with your fresh, new budget. The advantage of being child-free is not being tied to the holidays.

If he keeps going on about a holiday this year, ask him bluntly how you are supposed to afford it.

BlinkerGoBlink · 30/10/2023 13:56

Definitely YANBU.

I am married and we pool finances (not for any need to, we just find it more fair in our situation) but I don’t understand why the way others structure their finances matters here.

You said you’d like to do/buy THE THING which would mean you couldn’t have a holiday. He said he understood and supported THE THING so he can either buy you a holiday is he’s desperate to go or make another plan.

As an aside do you earn similarly? Just that even with separate finances contributions should be weighted to reflect that.

But again, YANBU.

Mylovelygreendress · 30/10/2023 13:56

Feraldogmum · 30/10/2023 13:45

That's not a marriage ,you're housemates.

I never had sex with any of my flatmates !

Sotiredmjmmy · 30/10/2023 13:57

OP sorry for the hassle you are getting - to balance it out, we have a very similar set up and it works completely fine, have been together 25 years and see no need whatsoever to pool our money. We divvy the household costs out and share them in line with how much we earn but enjoy the freedom of having our own accounts too. As you say, it’s not an issue until one person decides they want to do something that the other hasn’t kept back budget for, but here that may well have been the exact same maths if you had pooled the money - as you tan it by him and he agreed to your spend on whatever it was earlier in the year, so that would have spent out of your pool hence still minus the holiday money now.

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 30/10/2023 13:58

@OverratedHoliday I think you need to be a bit more forceful in your communication about the holiday. ‘I’ve told you I don’t have the money. What part of ‘I can’t afford it’ isn’t clear, DH?’

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2023 13:59

thelonemommabear · 30/10/2023 13:33

TBH YABU. You are married why wouldn't you want to holiday together? You don't sound like much of a couple if you'd rather spend your money for something so individual. Yes he could pay for you but why should he when you only want to spend your money on you

Being married doesn't mean you can't ever do something important for yourself. Obviously the one of thing matters to op, he respected that it was important
Why should be subjugate HER wants because his matter more?

Ilovelifeverymuch · 30/10/2023 13:59

MajorBarbara · 30/10/2023 12:53

Drip feed. What is the thing you spent the money on?

The other thing doesn't matter, what matters is she told him she would have to forgo the holiday if she paid for it and he was aware and agreed so if he now insists on a holiday he will have to pay for her or go alone.

LBOCS2 · 30/10/2023 13:59

YANBU.

It doesn't matter what you spent the money on - you had a choice to make which you clearly communicated with him, he didn't raise any objections, the money is gone.

If I were in your shoes I would outright ask him how he anticipated you were going to pay for the holidays he's showing you - put the ball back in his court. Then you'll have a better idea of where his head is at.

And then I'd probably suggest that if it's that important to him that you do set up a joint holiday fund for the future, so you're both on the same page with the money and it's ring fenced.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/10/2023 13:59

Well he either pays or you don't go . He sounds immensely irritating- you made it clear that you were using it for something else this year

Folklore9074 · 30/10/2023 14:00

You’ve spent your holiday money, clear on what you were doing from the outset. What more is there to say? Either he pays for you or you don’t go. Rinse and repeat.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 30/10/2023 14:00

Have you tried suggesting he pay for your holiday or wouldn’t you be comfortable with that?

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