I've spent my holiday fund

[OverratedHoliday]

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

OP I have read all your replies but not the whole thread. Totally understand the separate finances etc. You want to remain independent.

You are always going to be poorer than you DH because of the family situation and because of the pink tax ( it’s a real thing).

Surely your DH can see how much luckier he is than you to have all these separate funds just given to him by his family and maybe once in a while he can treat his own wife with it.

Have you considered spelling it out to DH is if the only way you get to go on this holiday is if he uses his separate funds to pay for you. And that it is up to him if what’s what her really wants no pressure either way.

Anyway just a though that maybe it hadn’t even occurred to him to treat you because possibly he thinks you are to proud to accept.

Tell him that you hope he has a lovely time on holiday without you as you can't afford a holiday this year and leave it at that,

I remain fascinated by the interest this post has received. I guess it hits at several emotive issues.

Just to put a couple of things straight. Although DH has a healthy savings pot courtesy of wealthy parents he is in no way a 'pampered pooch' who holidays in Barbados with his public school friends. We're both ordinary working class 30-somethings. We earn around the same and, as he rarely dips into his savings, we have the same quality of life. I am not being financially abused.

I didn't have to know about his savings - unless he'd told me I would never have known. There is nothing outward that would suggest it. I assume he pays for his boys holidays out of the savings fund but I don't ask.

The boys holidays are at most twice a year, usually a long weekend, occasionally a week, doing his hobby.

We're happy and divorce is not on the cards. If things change down the line it will depend on how long we've been married and if we have children (unlikely). It's not something I'm currently worried about but if circumstances are different that could change. I'll take the necessary advice if and when that is needed.

We've always paid 50/50 for everything. It always equals out - events with his family and mine, etc. He's never paid for my holiday and I've never paid for his.

It works, genuinely. All the bafflement over how we can possibly have a normal married life with separate bank accounts is just that, baffling. As I've said earlier if we ever have children and I need to take maternity then we will rediscuss as it changes things.

Thanks everyone for your posts. It's interesting to see. The Mystery Purchase will forever remain a Mystery and Keir Starmer is a little bit hot!

One thing I've learned is that marriages come in all shapes and sizes, and there is no perfect one. I'm yet to see a man portrayed on MN who is good looking, fit, handy at housework, a great dad, pools finances and is a hopeless romantic.

I know many men who pool finances and their wives want for nothing, but they are total shits. OP's DH and her have decided on separate finances. He may be the nicest bloke on the planet, it's just his trust fund that causes issues some times.

OP, I would come to a compromise with him. Say, instead of spending £1500 on a holiday, pick somewhere cheaper like the UK, or a mini break. Then, see what you can save between now and then. I just made £400 selling my unused stuff on eBay and Vinted, and I still have things to go. Any shortfall, can he lend you the money and you pay him back a bit a month.

It still wouldn’t matter as it was discussed and agreed with her DH that she would forego the holiday. The OP isn’t asking whether the thing she used her holiday funds for is unreasonable, so it’s irrelevant.

I've been married 36 years. We have a joint account for joint costs and separate accounts for individual expenses. Some of my friends wanted a a big trip away this year to mark joint milestone birthdays. I was telling my husband about their plans and he asked why I wasn't going too. I said Oh it's too expensive I can't really afford it. "Just pay for it from the joint account" was his reply. I've just returned from that trip and it was amazing. That's a marriage.

I've even treated my sister to a holiday as she was hard up. Would it kill your husband to treat you OP?

OP with all due respect, if everything in your relationship is working well genuinely as you said in your latest post, why have you created the thread? Something is obviously bothering you - or am I wrong?

@Scalottia

Thanks for asking, my last post was just to try and address some points that have been made about the joint finances. The question of why he keeps bringing up the holiday we'd agreed not to have remains (although not mentioned since original post).

It is a bit annoying but small fry really and I'm surprised its received 27 pages of responses.

I don't think a situation where you are being advised to take a loan from your own husband is small fry, but I guess you do you.

I really do you think you’ve come across rude and vague and very dry, your not amenable to anyone else’s opinions despite coming to a forum and asking them but if I was in your position I would literally just remind him of the agreement we had made in regards to me forgoing this years holiday and tell him how it’s making you uncomfortable that he keeps now bringing up holidays and he will just need to wait a little longer for the following years holiday

@OverratedHoliday thanks, yes I also don't know why he would keep bringing it up either, that would annoy me too.

Hi
i think you’ve been very clear with him and he agreed at the time you spent your holiday money.
He has 3 options;
Go on holiday without you
Not go on holiday
Pay for you to go with him
My husband and I have always pooled our money. What’s his is mine, what’s mine is his
but I fully appreciate other people do things differently.
If he keeps showing you pictures of holidays then just say that looks lovely or something along those lines. If he talks about booking a holiday I would remind him of his options.

You’re not wrong. The thing she’s posted about is the thing that’s bothering her. The OP asked a specific question and as usual MN has gone batshit questioning her financial arrangements and reading things in that aren’t there.

He's not advising me to take a loan. I assumed he might be thinking I could put it on a CC but he certainly hasn't advised me.

"Sorry, love - as mentioned, can't do that, but would love...a few days in a Cornish cottage or something?"

Thanks for your character assassination and opinion. Much appreciated. In line with your thoughts on me, perhaps you could attend some grammar and punctuation lessons as one very long sentence is hard to read.

I meant posters on this thread are advising you to take a loan, not your husband.

@Lentilweaver thanks, I won't be taking a loan from DH, or anyone, for a holiday.

Works for us. 32 years together, 20 years married
Never had a joint account. No issues. No doubt you'll be "amazed" by this, but it's really not that deep.

I loved your update, given you are unlikely to have children then maybe it will work out okay.
What is in this marriage for you? I often wonder why people bother if there is no security, no pooled resources and no chance of dc. Having lots of holidays with other people etc. On paper at looks like almost separate lives and different priorities.

The last question I have is…

Was the mystery purchase worth it??????? 🕺

What's in the marriage - I love DH and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Sorry if its a cliche but that's why I married him. He does offer security and I've never been maternal. I fund myself as that's what I want to do, I have never wanted to be dependent on anyone else and that will hopefully never change.

The Mystery Purchase was absolutely worth it. I admire it every day.

This is unusual, you’re married, why doesn’t he just pay so you both go together?

If he doesn’t want to pay for his wife, what are you hoping to get from MN exactly? Just tell him you won’t be going?

Works for us. 32 years together, 20 years married
Never had a joint account. No issues. No doubt you'll be "amazed" by this, but it's really not that deep.

Yep. Not that I'm married (don't want 'wife' on my CV) but the joined-at-the-hippedness on this thread is frankly amazing.

@skippy67 do you have to have separate holidays because one person can afford it but the other one can’t, or a different standard of living because one of you is on a higher salary?

Also, elsewhere on MN if a woman did not 'let' her OP go on holidays (especially for his all-important hobby) she'd be accused of being controlling. Here, the exact same thing is seen as evidence that the marriage is somehow not real.