I've spent my holiday fund

[OverratedHoliday]

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

@SouthLondonMum22 good point - that pocket money thing isn't good - I would hate that and I think I would definitely do separate finances in that situation. I would also do things separately if my partner was shit with money.

We have your back op. That’s all I am saying.

Over the decades of being on MN it’s been pretty soul destroying watching women completely stitched up time after time, not treated well, pregnancies creating such vulnerability. I am not saying that will happen to you/your marriage.

I find those that created their own wealth, perhaps know how hard it is to come by and are more guarded as a result?

Your dh is your choice, and your financial arrangements too. I guess I just don’t recognise one having a markedly better life than the other as a good thing at all, but that’s my issue, not yours.
I am kinda angry for you, not with you, if you understand.

And a part of me hates the systemic disadvantage built into our society against most women. Makes my blood boil that it’s always the guys having the easy ride somehow. Anyway I am projecting now and that isn’t helpful.

Be strong op. Enjoy your mystery purchases, your right to choose and your independence 🙏🏻

i don't get this.

I earn well because i want my hobbies (cars and horses) i worked very hard to work my way up the career ladder to enable this. i can also run a house on my own, with all this, if required.

If i pooled my finances with my DP, who earns less than half what i earn, shared everything so that we had equal fun money, i'd NOT be able to afford all the horses and cars I have worked hard for and want.

It's my money. not ours. Mine.

i am very fair making sure DP only pays a third of house bills and i pay mostly for our day trips.
He's never going to have as much 'fun' money as me, because he simply earns less. He's working on changing that though.

We have an amazing life! he's extremely happy, as am i. it has never caused an issue. he has that same standard of living as me, same house, same food, same holidays and trips. the only thing i have extra, because i work for it, is my horses. (he also has a couple of cars)

It works, i can't believe people shun it so much!!

With trust.

DH pays me his share of the bills to my bank account, Inc so much designated as "kids" and half of the total for food shopping. I pay all the bills because I like the control. If it's a big purchase one of us just sends the other one their half. We just got a new dryer, DH paid for it and I'll pay my half when I get paid.
If we go out for lunch etc he usually just pays, and I'll get a round of drinks in.
Presents for the kids gets chucked onto the monthly bill so he pays half.

It's just normal.

No one is adding up every single penny and screaming in the cake shop that his cake cost 20p more than the one he brought me last week.

@RedPony1 if your thing was holidays or fancy food rather than horses, and your DH liked them too, would you go on expensive holidays and go to Michelin star restaurants without him because he couldn’t afford them?

I think you missed the point. You have the same holidays, quality of life. So that is the difference. You are not making dh lead a ‘lesser’ life are you? Nor putting pressure on him to get into debt to facilitate your holidays.

You sound fair, kind and equal that’s why it works.

Also what one person contributes to family, society can’t always be measured in monetary terms eg SAHP, charity trustee. Should they have a lower standard of living in a couple as their other half earns more, so can swan off on holidays, buy fancier cars, new clothes etc

My husband and I have pooled resources, but a very different life to you, in our early days of living together we kept our finances separate so I do sort of understand why you would of continued to do so. But do you never just treat each other as a one off? For example in the early years of our relationship he helped me repair a property that was damaged by awful tenants, later that year I took him on holiday, we would randomly treat each other to a night away or meal out. I respect that you both want financial independence but your also married and a partnership, he wants a holiday with you, you can’t afford one, he has sufficient funds to pay for you both - what I don’t understand is why he wouldn’t just pay and why you would feel you couldn’t accept. It’s £1500 in the whole scheme of things it’s not a vast sum of money. Or if you are both totally insistent on never pooling anything why not suggest that if he wants to holiday with you this year he subsidises you (you said you had enough money for a weekend away) and say he pays £1000 towards your holiday for the next 5 years you pay £200 towards his holiday.

Well, my DP is all of those things except the pooling finances, because neither of us want to. But he does all the cooking, and other chores are all 50/50 (he probably does a bit more tbh). I’m the higher earner, but he’s the one with rich parents. My parents don’t have a pot to piss in and all the money and assets I have I’ve earned myself. I own my flat and he lives with me and pays me rent. He is in line for a 7-figure inheritance down the line, and if we split up and I kicked him out his parents would be in a position to help him out. Mine wouldn’t, hence why he isn’t being added to the mortgage. No kids.

He earns a low wage because he chose a low paid creative career. I have no issue with this, in fact his talent and creativity is a big part of what attracts me to him, but if he wants as much spending money as me then frankly he can go out and get another job (he is educated and capable of doing this if he wanted). I do go on solo holidays or away with friends or do things he can’t afford, and I don’t feel bad about that. He goes away with his friends once or twice a year too. For joint holidays I usually pay everything upfront and he pays me back in instalments. He hasn’t sacrificed anything for my benefit (such as being a SAHP) that has led to his lower wage so I don’t see why I should be subsidising him.

A SAHP can only work if the SAHP has full access financially because obviously the SAHP doesn't earn anything financially but they would generally contribute more to the household when it comes to childcare, cleaning, cooking etc. It's a reason why having a SAHP would never work for us.

I'm pleased you're happy with this set up @OverratedHoliday, but wonder what will happen between you both when you get older.

When he can retire early, but you have to keep working until you get your pension. When he can spend the winter in the sun and you can't. When he can get his hip replaced privately whilst you have to wait years for the NHS. Minor things may not worry you, but what about the major ones?

When there is family money people tend to inherit and get richer, not poorer, so the differences will get bigger. Does this not worry you?

This is almost exactly how I feel.

I earn more than DH but it's not by a significant amount. He could earn more if he wants to but he's currently content where he is which is absolutely fine but I want to continue to progress so eventually, it will be a significant amount and things will stay the same because like you said, it's my money, not ours.

@OverratedHoliday - I commend you for your replies, honestly think some people are bonkers as based on this thread! It does seem that some people become deeply offended if you're not living the same way as them. Absolutely nothing wrong with being independent of each other and not sharing finances (except splitting bills), it does NOT mean you are flatmates or your marriage is any less valid than others. People are shocking in their narrow world view.

Not got much on advice except that that you already told him you couldn't afford it so best he gets on with it unless he wants to treat you or better yet, maybe meet in the middle of a little weekend break to a cabin or something?

Or perhaps she just makes less money? Why does it have to be her outgoings?

Not so far...

It does feel like you’re overlooking a fairly straightforward solution that would make something that’s clearly important to your husband feasible.

Go on a more reasonably priced holiday this year, through a combination of Christmas present money (yours and his) and mentally borrowing a little bit from next years holiday fund. Make next years holiday a bit less extravagant than historic ones.

There are plenty of very nice holiday options that don’t involve lots of children. Going term time somewhere with no toddler facilities basically sorts that.

👏 👏

Why should OP go through those mental gymnastics to pay for a holiday her DH wants and can easily afford. OP is happy not to go.

@skippy67 but would you be happy for one half of a couple to be disadvantaged and have a lower standard of living if for example their circumstances changed eg redundancy, illness

Half term is over here, you must have a later week.

It's you're and have not of.

I reckon it’s a new nose.

It would probably be better at running the country than the corrupt and inept bunch we have now !!