I've spent my holiday fund

[OverratedHoliday]

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

If we are guessing, have you got a Peloton?

He just needs to lower his expectations, I’ve booked a caravan in Wales for a week in May which is £100 between both of us, can’t go wrong! Let me know if he wants the link 😄

A painting or sculpture, I think, as she admires it daily:)

Well worth it.

It’s not the holidays per se, but the number of them ( op said several in her earlier posts) mostly boys holidays.

Now if op isn’t bothered about going away, isn’t much of a traveller maybe she is cool with that. But nothing would boil my blood so quickly as getting beach shots from dh funded by the bank of Mummy whilst I slogged day in and day out in the cold and rain. The sheer inequality of life style, finances and expectations would kill our relationship stone dead. Him living the high life, me the low life and his total lack of awareness of the disparity between.

There is no getting away from the extra advantages, options and security dh has compared to op.

They are not equal, and never will be.

She will always the junior in the relationship, the one struggling financially to do ‘fun stuff’. Who knows he might get bored if he is not willing to pay for her too, and find someone else that has equal access to fun money 🤷🏼‍♀️

Their situation makes me (not op) uncomfortable because he sounds fundamentally selfish and self absorbed, and I personally wouldn’t want someone like that in my life. My friends are more generous than he is.

😂😂😂😅

Do you actually want to go on holiday with dh? Would him treating you to it emphasise the disparity in your financial situations and spoil the trip for you? Being rigidly attached to paying your own way is not necessarily a bad thing but can lead to missing out on opportunities which nobody else would criticise you for taking.

You have said this is a new-ish marriage and treating your spouse on occasion isn't an unreasonable expectation. This scenario could crop up again (eg you needing to replace a car with your holiday fund) and you need to resolve how you will deal with this now and in the future.

How does your dh feel about the situation? Is he equally convinced about maintaining independent finances? People with family money often have no comprehension that others don't have the same advantages. Does he not realise that putting it on a cc just further increases the the financial disparity between you and increases the risk of this happening again?

Birkin?

we have split finances, I never understand the bashing but the minute a woman’s to leave her man it’s “get your ducks in a row! You shouldn’t have relied on him blah blah blah”. As long as the bills are paid why does it matter who buys what.

Maybe he’s still hopeful for a later break for 2024, still almost a year if you went for a winter break instead of summer. All you can do is keep saying I can’t afford it I’ve bought the infamous mystery item instead so there’s 0 in the pot.. I could stretch to xyz but it won’t be breakfast club in Bali

If the DH was my son and we had been able to put some money into a savings account for him, I’m not sure I would be too impressed (now he is married) that he is spending it all on himself including additional holidays whilst our DIL has to make a choice whether she can have her Mystery Purchase or a holiday, especially when we are not talking £’000 for the purchase or holiday. I would like to think that gift of money was a treat for both of them

I think this thread has gained real traction because it is usually, but not always, the woman in the disadvantaged position in these types of relationships. It hits a nerve because in ops case it seems very unfair and unjust that she does not have a similar savings pot and she is clearly losing out because of it.

If they were genuinely equal, earning the same more or less, genuinely splitting life costs - I doubt anyone would have cared on here. Especially if the other one recognised their obvious advantages and makes up for it. Dh seems especially unaware of his privilege of wealthy safety nets and extra access to savings he didn’t earn. Why doesn’t he recognise this advantage? Because it’s not in his interests to do so, he may need to share it then.

The fact ops dh does absolutely fuck all to address the imbalance, and taunts op with photos of holidays she can’t afford is a giant red flag to me.

No it's not - it could be very personal.

Her business.

Whatever it was, she wanted that rather than a holiday, and that's her choice.

Edit: added the "t" to "not"

Thanks for this thread @OverratedHoliday - it’s put me right off marriage based on some of the absolutely batshit posts about what constitutes a ‘proper’ marriage. I have never been so glad to be unmarried, in full control of my own money & choices.

These are the same women that go onto threads to berate women who need to leave awful relationships for not having their own money & resources, so it’s not personal to you. They just hate anyone who doesn’t live their very narrow definition of life & get a thrill out of trying to kicking them for it.

I hope you and your mystery item have many years of happiness & your DH gets the message first time, next time an issue like this arises.

This! I already knew I didn’t want marriage (or kids) but many posts on this thread and elsewhere on MN just confirm to me I’ve made absolutely the right decision.

And let’s be clear there WILL definitely be a next time because of the inequality between them.

I was thinking the same as this last sentence here OP.

If separate finances work for you then fair enough. But surely you would both still help the other out financially if required? That’s the bit I don’t really understand.

Your DH has a very healthy savings pot that he’s willing to dip into for holidays with the lads, but he won’t use any of this money to go on holiday with his wife?

Honestly, I think that’s disappointing. And it’s perhaps why people are making assumptions about your marriage. Your DH would rather forego a holiday with you than pay for you just this once…?

Also, I think that’s why the Mystery Purchase is relevant. Maybe your DH disapproves or thinks it was frivolous which is why he’s not prepared to pay for your holiday?

If my DH spent his holiday funds on something he really loved, and he usually went 50/50 on bills etc, I’d not think twice about treating him to a holiday as a one-off (on the assumption that I could easily afford to do so).

I’m not being snarky OP but if your DH has this big pot of savings, it doesn’t seem like a very committed or loving relationship if he won’t splash out on you, just this once. I don’t think separate finances are an issue at all, but he wants a holiday with you, could afford to pay but hasn’t offered to pay…oof.

I'm here for the mystery purchase 😂 it would have to be something life saving or house saving for me to give up a holiday for a possession. I don't get how an object can mean so much that you would prioritise it over new experiences and quality time with the person you love the most. But that's just me. Each to their own OP, whatever the mystery purchase is it clearly makes you happy. Just keep reminding your husband of your prior agreement.

There does seem to be an imbalance around the wants and needs in your relationship, clearly travelling is important to your husband. It might be worth having a conversation with him about it so you're both on the same page 🤷‍♀️

It’s probably a MacBook or iPad Pro.

That's great that you're so happy then OP, a bit confused as to why you started the thread.

I still find your DH to be stingy and I'd find his lack of wanting to pay for my holiday very hurtful but he's your DH not mine so if it doesn't bother you then great.

The very fact that op mentioned healthy savings pot in first post tells me that it is an issue, even if she doesn't realise it or acknowledge it to herself.

I don't really understand the point of the thread, the conversation has already been had, seems to me op wants us to agree that dh should pay for an expensive kid free holiday destination for them both, no compromise on a cheaper alternative, without posters commenting further.

My advice is to ignore the holiday brochures and if you have to say "We have had this conversation already, I can't go on holidays again until 2025, as I bought fab MP, and I'm still happy with that choice. You go yourself with your friends".

It’s obvious her dh nodded along his agreement fully expecting op to give in ( with a credit card or parents or some other way) and can’t believe she is actually serious.

This kind of person is used to ‘finding’ the money for the things he wants, because his wealthy parents raised him this way, and his mother is still facilitating his every whim well into adulthood. He doesn’t understand the word no as no one has ever said it before.

They will both be here again with the same pattern in no time at all, maybe next time it will be about expensive car purchases, kitchen appliances, redecoration plans - this kind of inequality will leak into every corner of their lives eventually. Why? Because he simply doesn’t recognise the massive wealth divide, and doesn’t have a single generous or chivalrous bone in his body.

Good luck op. You are in for a tough ride with this Mummy’s boy.

I may have to go out and buy an inflatable Keir Starmer.

He would be more useful than pooch! 🐩

Please post a picture 😂

:-) thanks for your messages @Lastchancechica I have read them all and do appreciate your point of view even if I don't agree.

His parents weren't born wealthy, nor was DH. They worked hard for it and were also lucky. He wasn't privately educated or taken on grand holidays as a child. He's really not a pampered mummy's boy but I do hear you.

A wedding that I didn't want to go to anyway of a childhood friend of his would just be him paying to go away for the weekend. I'd usually go to something like that though and in that case would pay half towards it.

Food is part of our joint bills with the mortgage, nursery fees etc which we pay half each towards and is the same if we have anyone over for Christmas, dinner etc.

Joint bills also includes anything for DS so if he needs new clothes or like I already said, his nursery fees.

I'm the opposite, I would become very resentful if we pooled finances. I wouldn't want to have to ask permission to spend money I have earned or to have 'pocket money' like a child.

@SouthLondonMum22 our finances are joint, but I don't have to ask permission to spend and I certainly don't receive pocket money! I think that you are making some assumptions there about people who pool finances. But I accept that I probably made some assumptions too in this thread - for that I apologise.

We are all different, no two marriages are the same and honestly I have found this thread interesting - reading about all of the different ways we do things.

I'm going by what I've seen discussed on here and some discussions with friends. Of course, the setups can be different but two popular setups I've seen/heard about is not discussing smaller purchases but anything over say £100 needs to be discussed before it is purchased and I've also seen/heard people using the term 'pocket money' to describe what they have to spend once all essentials are paid for.

I agree that it's an interesting thread and every marriage is different.