I've spent my holiday fund

[OverratedHoliday]

DH and I have separate finances - always have. Earlier this year I signed up for something that would cost around the same as our annual holiday. I asked DH if he minded me foregoing our holiday for this as I couldn't afford to do both and he agreed.

He is now wanting a holiday and I've said I can't afford it as I've spent my holiday funds on the other cost. He has no benefit from the other cost.

AIBU? I did ask him at the time. Plus he has funds and he could afford to pay for me if he wanted to go that badly.

@Fluff3 I totally agree re the importance of having money that's yours and yours only to protect yourself. But I also think that it's an easy foundation for resentment and disconnect when two people in a relationship have different day to day spending power. To me it would just be weird if one person in a relationship was a higher earner and therefore lived a lifestyle that was out of step with the person who was meant to be their life partner. It can cause issues on everything from one person wanting to redecorate and the other person not feeling they can afford it, to holidays, to making weekend plans! So, some way of managing finances so that both partners have equal spending money helps avoid that disequilibrium. I think some combination of separate savings, but combined finances for shared/shared-benefit costs and joint savings is good. For example, a system where you pool finances, including day to day expenses, shared savings, and equal spending money, but each person gets an equal amount towards personal savings, too, can work well. That way, you can build up a nest egg for your own safety - but also, if someone want to save that for a face lift or a pet unicorn or a big girls' trip away or literally whatever, they can - and their husband can do the same with his personal savings.

What do you actually want us to say?

You cleared it with him so of course yanbu. He now has two choices. Either pay for you himself or not go on yet another holiday.

Of course you shouldn’t get into debt to indulge him.

The end.

Give over! Sir Keir is an absolute ride 🤣

Lordy-lord, such a heehaw over OP not having shared accounts with her DH!!
Not that it's anything to do with any of us!
I never had a joint account with my H, either, and I've always told my DC to keep their own accounts separate. If needed or wanted, people can have a joint account where certain amounts go in from each person, but having just the one joint account, IMHO, is stupid!!!
Anyway, I digress, OP asked us what we think about the holiday issue. Well, I'd ask him if he could pay and OP could pay him back in due course, OR, if he'd like to pay as her Christmas - or Christmas & birthday - gift?
Therefore he gets to go away with his wonderful DW, just how he wants to!!

How does that sound, @OverratedHoliday ?

Yes sorry, my typo. I did mean you don't go TOGETHER because he won't do on one you can afford.
So you pay for yourself and the kids to go abroad but he goes on a separate fancier holiday because he's rich and you're not? Wow, he sounds like a Prince 🙄. Does he take his kids on the rich holidays too?

Is your very low part time wage linked to the care of his children and the success of his career because he doesn't have to deal with home stuff?

I cannot believe the number of people on this thread who think it is their business how the OP and her husband split their finances and also that it is anyone's business what the OP spends her money on!!! And don't understand that a loving romantic relationship can include but need not require pooling of finances!!!

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think it is completely fair for you not to EXPECT to benefit from your DH's family's wealth, but I think what I would expect in a loving relationship is for him to honour and respect your wishes about your money (what to spend it on and whether you want to get into debt) and that he would be willing, in fact ideally actually enjoy using his additional wealth to enable you to come on holiday with him as well as having the thing you wanted to spend your money on, rather than you getting into debt. I would just be really clear with him you would love to go on an adults only holiday with him, but you don't have enough money and you are not prepared to get into debt. Him treating you so you can both go would be lovely but is by no means expected.

They're not though if you are married and divorce.

I am genuinely interested in what happens when you are both invited for instance to his childhood friends wedding. It’s miles away and expensive to go for the weekend, do you have to stump up huge amounts to attend despite not being bothered about going?

His family are coming for Christmas lunch. There are eight of them - is dh expected to pay for them all? Or your family and you pay for everything? What if you have a mixture do you divide up the costs and charge each other depending on how many wines MIL has had? How far do you take it?

Joint friends are coming for dinner, who pays if you are closer to them? One of you wants to have a party, the other isn’t bothered but doesn’t mind do you both pay?

Do you get pissed off if he eats your food? Uses your toothpaste? Turns the heating up? Has his mother over too often and she eats your biscuits?

The potential for conflict must be huge.

I would become very selfish in this scenario, and never pay to attend his family events or rock up for his friends birthdays if it cost me a penny or cook for anyone. Do you bill him for your time if you cook for his friends? Or time for anything spent on him/his interests?
Time is money after all.

I literally have no idea how this would work with children.

It is to me too.

We have a joint account where everything goes and have equal access to it. Doesn't matter who earns more, it all in the same pot.

Well, OP, I understand perfectly well about you not pooling your monies together!
And it is EVERY ONE'S CHOICE whether to do this or not do it, people, so stop getting at the poor OP!!!
They obviously have a system that works for them!

As someone mentioned up the top, it's weird how people live together, share a bed, a home etc and have separate finances. If he wants you to go, then he either pays for you or you pay him back.

Exactly. It isn't their financial system that is the issue. The issue is actually their priorities and what they prioritize in their budget. Her DH wants to spend a holiday together, OP doesn't - hence very different budgets that don't align with each other's priorities. Their system is fine, they just want different things in life.

We don’t know that. The op wants a holidya with her Dh, just not as much as she wanted this thing. He wants a holiday with her, but we have no idea if it’s his 6th priority after his holiday with Bob and Sam, his holiday with James and school friends, his holiday with Ezra Jenny and their kids, his
holiday wiht colin sinead and dinesh, his
holiday with Clarence and Gertrude, ie all the holidyas he’s already had this year, since he can afford them all we have no way of knowing what he’d choose wiht a limited budget Ie what his actual priority is. It’s finances that are the limit, not necessarily different priorities at all.

Why? It’s her money

Well ops system clearly doesn’t work.

She’s had the brass neck audacity to spend her own money as she likes, not unreasonably, prioritising her mystery purchase because it’s something that is important to her - and now her skin flint pampered pooch of a husband is up in arms, as she won’t get into debt to indulge him on his eighth holiday of the year.

I think the system has monumentally failed due to financial inequality.

I am sure pampered pooch can afford as many mystery purchases as he likes thanks to Mummy, without sacrificing his ten days in Barbados with the party set, and there lies the rub of the situation.

How you manage finances is up to the household but it's the inequality and perpetuating the different income levels that just is incomprehensible to me. What's the point of getting married? Legally assets are seen as shared yet one half is significantly wealthier than the other

Pooling money, not pooling money. My DH and I have a hybrid system - our own bank accounts but the vast majority of our income goes into a joint account as my DH earns lot more than me.

I just can't fathom in a marriage 1 person being so much more richer and hoarding their money for themselves and their DH/W living a 'poorer' life. How is that sustainable?

Does 1 person go to Butlins and the other go to Vegas? Does one of you buy clothes at M&S and the other go to Tom Ford?

@OverratedHoliday you deserve more from your marriage, I would be saying the same to your DH if income levels were reversed.

I don't understand what the problem is. You previously discussed with your husband that you wouldn't be able afford to go on holiday if you bought the thing. He agreed to this. You bought the thing. Now you can't afford to go on holiday, as discussed. The end.

If he really can't see that the simple answer is for him to offer to pay for both of you (given his pot of money) then I can only think he must be particularly thick or very tight?

You post in AIBU you get the idiots. No-one else's business what you spent the money on or how you choose to organise your finances. A pity your OH didnt cover the cost of MP as a gift to you since it was obviously important to you. He could have said let me get that for you as a Christmas/birthday gift. He didnt, He does not get to be a pain about holidays now.

Just says that looks interesting for ...whenever you expect to be able to afford it.

Yes, your DH is both unreasonable and a twat for bringing up something you have been very clear about. Well a twat or thick as. whatever./ To the PP who only goes on holidays they can afford and lets their so called husband go on expensive trips because he can afford it. One of the saddest things I have heard from a while. You are not a partnership.

And for those who think you can just shift things once kids come along? Not that easy when entrenched separate finances are in place. And like it or not, you are the ones giving birth. You punish yourselves.

Have separate money for yourself - absolutely! Keep a job - absolutely. Resolutely split everything 50/50? That's not a partnership

@OverratedHoliday
You have asked AIBU about your funds for mystery gift and not having money for a holiday - YANBU - you were clear about what you were spending your money on and the ramifications.

YABU perpetuating this financial inequality in your marriage and passing it off as 'independence' - it's not. At best it's faux ignorance /poor critical thinking, at worst it's financial abuse.

No system that is working so well needs 26 pages of posts.

Is he the type of person to surprise you with the holiday which he's decided to pay for both you? If so, then could be be gauging your reaction to a place before booking and paying for both of you? In which case I would give some feedback and maybe say "I'd love to go there next year but this year I can't afford as you know" and just wait. He's an adult, you've been clear, there's not much more to do or worry about! You're not being unreasonable in the slightest as you told him in advance of spending your money on the other thing.