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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends surrogacy

483 replies

Fatcat00 · 30/10/2023 08:01

Not a particularly close friend, but friend enough for me to be invited to social events etc. has recently told me she is having a baby due in April, I was shocked and congratulated her, she then says “surrogate… obviously”. I was a bit lost for words.

for context friend has recently divorced, they had been trying for a baby for 5 years, had IVF etc. I furthered the conversation and asked if it was her egg. Her response was “nah, I’m not bothered if it’s not my biological baby.. I just want a baby”. Followed by “I can’t be assed putting hormones into my body for the sake of my own egg”. I am just so shocked and speechless, I don’t agree with surrogacy for a number of reasons. Some of them being I don’t agree with the hiring of a woman’s body. I don’t agree with a baby being ripped away from its mother to suit someone else’s needs and the physical and psychological implications to both baby and mother as such. Why not just adopt?? If you don’t care for the child to be your biological anyway, why not adopt a baby who needs a parent?

it’s kind of made me look at her in a different light. She seemed very flippant about it (I’m aware this is just how she has came across I’m sure it’s a lengthy and draining process). She says she was put in touch with this woman through a friend who had used her.

essentially, this surrogate has just got pregnant for the purpose of handing over the baby to someone else in exchange for cash. I think I’d still be a bit 🤔 even if it was her own egg if truth be told.

I just can’t get my head around it. Am I being a bit of a bigot? Aibu to want to distance myself a bit? I don’t like feeling as though someone’s path to parenthood or happiness is “wrong” but it really doesn’t sit right with me and I’m not entirely sure why.

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 30/10/2023 08:03

Distance yourself all you want, but it’s none of your business. It’s her and the surrogates decision. And saying “Why not just adopt?? “ is pretty ignorant. It’s an incredibly invasive and intense process, and very different to having your own newborn

Original poster
Fatcat00 · 30/10/2023 08:06

PinkRoses1245 · 30/10/2023 08:03

Distance yourself all you want, but it’s none of your business. It’s her and the surrogates decision. And saying “Why not just adopt?? “ is pretty ignorant. It’s an incredibly invasive and intense process, and very different to having your own newborn

As I’m sure surrogacy is…

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 30/10/2023 08:07

I don’t think you need to understand it. If you don’t agree with it then distance yourself. You’ve already said you’re not close friends so maybe you don’t really know everything she has gone through and maybe she’s using flippant comments to actually block off the hurt she’s feeling.

Congratulate her and then distance yourself.

CampervanKween · 30/10/2023 08:08

I think surrogacy is awful. I'm sure these kids will grow up damaged but no-one seems to care. It's so selfish.

Changingplace · 30/10/2023 08:08

Why not just adopt??

Adoption is not in any way as simple as that whatsoever.

It’s quite clear from your post you have no experience of being infertile or of adoption.

You may not agree with your friends choice of surrogacy, it’s her choice & the surrogates choice (assuming they’re in the UK) it’s none of your business.

Pemba · 30/10/2023 08:09

She is buying a baby (and being very blasé about it too). I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable about it. Tricky one.

catbla2957 · 30/10/2023 08:09

CampervanKween · 30/10/2023 08:08

I think surrogacy is awful. I'm sure these kids will grow up damaged but no-one seems to care. It's so selfish.

Have you ever met a child born from surrogacy to ask them if they are damaged.

handyandie · 30/10/2023 08:10

This reply has been deleted

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Didimum · 30/10/2023 08:10

You can obviously do what you wish and are entitled to your opinion. But at the end of the day it’s none of your business. As you describe her as not a close friend, her ‘flippant’ attitude is likely keeping her intimate emotions at bay regarding her own egg use. If she gone through IVF she will have been through that incredibly invasive and painful process already, possibly a number of times. And as it was unsuccessful, she may have even found her egg quality to be so low that it wouldn’t be a good idea to use them in surrogacy. Regardless if that’s the case, it’s not your business.

Dinnerdate1 · 30/10/2023 08:10

I've looked into being a surrogate before. Wouldn't bother me to grow a baby for someone and then hand it to them. It's not as easy to just adopt.
And as long as both parties consent I don't see the harm.

shockwaze · 30/10/2023 08:11

PinkRoses1245 · 30/10/2023 08:03

Distance yourself all you want, but it’s none of your business. It’s her and the surrogates decision. And saying “Why not just adopt?? “ is pretty ignorant. It’s an incredibly invasive and intense process, and very different to having your own newborn

As if pregnancy, surrogate or not isn't invasive!

TeaKitten · 30/10/2023 08:11

It’s not as simple as just ‘adopt a baby’ at all is it, it’s ignorant to suggest it is. She’s clearly been through a very lengthy fertility journey that has been unsuccessful and has clearly not jumped straight to surrogacy for convenience. YANBU to distance yourself for both your sake but your judgement isn’t entirely fair.

ItsFreeOnFriday · 30/10/2023 08:12

Adoption is not that easy as I am sure people will point out in their droves.

But I also wonder if the flippancy is to cover pain. No-one goes through IVF for fun after all in the first place and that is an incredibly difficult process.

I personally do not agree with surrogacy for a range of reasons. But at the end of the day it's the business of the people directly involved.

Whatthefnow · 30/10/2023 08:13

Buying babies, just awful.
Funny how the women on this site support it but if a man pays for sex, Mumsnet loses it's mind.

Original poster
Fatcat00 · 30/10/2023 08:13

Changingplace · 30/10/2023 08:08

Why not just adopt??

Adoption is not in any way as simple as that whatsoever.

It’s quite clear from your post you have no experience of being infertile or of adoption.

You may not agree with your friends choice of surrogacy, it’s her choice & the surrogates choice (assuming they’re in the UK) it’s none of your business.

Your comment did make me LOL. I have very much had fertility struggles actually. Nice try though.

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 30/10/2023 08:14

Really don't understand some of thr negative comments. There are strict rules and regulations in the UK surrounding surrogacy, if this is the UK. Surrogates can only have reasonable expenses. Many people do it because they want to help someone have a baby. This friend had many years of IVF which is gruelling. She has no doubt researched this and thought about it carefully. She isnt just 'buying a baby' and if she sounds flippant it is probably because of how hardened emotionally the IVF process can make someone. It is very painful

TeaKitten · 30/10/2023 08:14

Fatcat00 · 30/10/2023 08:13

Your comment did make me LOL. I have very much had fertility struggles actually. Nice try though.

Show quote history

Did you manage to ‘just adopt’ a baby as a single woman? Was it easy as you suggest?

3Tunes · 30/10/2023 08:16

In a similar situation I have, in my head, separated my friend and her (much loved, delightful) DC from my moral
and ethical concerns about surrogacy.

I have never, and would never, raise the issue. Even when she brings it up, which does sometimes happen, I just move the conversation on.

I can’t see any benefit in having a discussion about it, there is of course no way I will change her mind, nor would I want to make her doubt her actions as it’s all done now. But if it came up in a different context, without her present, I’d express my concerns about the process and whether it is fair for the birth mothers and babies involved.

Original poster
Fatcat00 · 30/10/2023 08:16

Whatthefnow · 30/10/2023 08:13

Buying babies, just awful.
Funny how the women on this site support it but if a man pays for sex, Mumsnet loses it's mind.

Quite.

im also aware it’s not easy to “just adopt”. But it’s a process like anything else. And it doesn’t involve tearing a child away from its mother and going against every instinct the mother and child should have for the sake of cash.

OP posts:
girlyjim · 30/10/2023 08:16

I agree with you OP. I hate that people think they're entitled to a baby just because it's what they want and they can just go buy one. It's insanity to me but it's so common nowadays. It's not putting the baby first at all. Infertility sucks but not everyone is meant to have a child🤷‍♀️

(I have infertility issues myself before anyone says I have no idea what it's like)

Maddy70 · 30/10/2023 08:17

It has nothing to.do with you. She may sound flippant but you can see they've gone through a lot to this stage. She wants a baby and this seems the best solution for them

Who cares if you agree with it or not , you aren't part of it.

TeaKitten · 30/10/2023 08:17

Fatcat00 · 30/10/2023 08:16

Quite.

im also aware it’s not easy to “just adopt”. But it’s a process like anything else. And it doesn’t involve tearing a child away from its mother and going against every instinct the mother and child should have for the sake of cash.

Show quote history

Do you no where adopted babies come from?

Original poster
Fatcat00 · 30/10/2023 08:18

3Tunes · 30/10/2023 08:16

In a similar situation I have, in my head, separated my friend and her (much loved, delightful) DC from my moral
and ethical concerns about surrogacy.

I have never, and would never, raise the issue. Even when she brings it up, which does sometimes happen, I just move the conversation on.

I can’t see any benefit in having a discussion about it, there is of course no way I will change her mind, nor would I want to make her doubt her actions as it’s all done now. But if it came up in a different context, without her present, I’d express my concerns about the process and whether it is fair for the birth mothers and babies involved.

I definitely won’t be having a discussion with her. I will congratulate her and send a gift. It’s my personal feelings that are on my mind regarding the ethics of it all. It just doesn’t sit right at all.

shes also chose the ethnicity of the woman so the baby looks like her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatcat00 · 30/10/2023 08:19

TeaKitten · 30/10/2023 08:17

Do you no where adopted babies come from?

Show quote history

Oh there’s always one. The key part was “for the sake of cash”. Do keep up.

OP posts:
3Tunes · 30/10/2023 08:19

Newmumatlast · 30/10/2023 08:14

Really don't understand some of thr negative comments. There are strict rules and regulations in the UK surrounding surrogacy, if this is the UK. Surrogates can only have reasonable expenses. Many people do it because they want to help someone have a baby. This friend had many years of IVF which is gruelling. She has no doubt researched this and thought about it carefully. She isnt just 'buying a baby' and if she sounds flippant it is probably because of how hardened emotionally the IVF process can make someone. It is very painful

Quite a lot of people go for international surrogacy - I’m told that it’s much quicker, cheaper and less invasive. And, of course, much less regulated.