Friends surrogacy

[Fatcat00]

Not a particularly close friend, but friend enough for me to be invited to social events etc. has recently told me she is having a baby due in April, I was shocked and congratulated her, she then says “surrogate… obviously”. I was a bit lost for words.

for context friend has recently divorced, they had been trying for a baby for 5 years, had IVF etc. I furthered the conversation and asked if it was her egg. Her response was “nah, I’m not bothered if it’s not my biological baby.. I just want a baby”. Followed by “I can’t be assed putting hormones into my body for the sake of my own egg”. I am just so shocked and speechless, I don’t agree with surrogacy for a number of reasons. Some of them being I don’t agree with the hiring of a woman’s body. I don’t agree with a baby being ripped away from its mother to suit someone else’s needs and the physical and psychological implications to both baby and mother as such. Why not just adopt?? If you don’t care for the child to be your biological anyway, why not adopt a baby who needs a parent?

it’s kind of made me look at her in a different light. She seemed very flippant about it (I’m aware this is just how she has came across I’m sure it’s a lengthy and draining process). She says she was put in touch with this woman through a friend who had used her.

essentially, this surrogate has just got pregnant for the purpose of handing over the baby to someone else in exchange for cash. I think I’d still be a bit 🤔 even if it was her own egg if truth be told.

I just can’t get my head around it. Am I being a bit of a bigot? Aibu to want to distance myself a bit? I don’t like feeling as though someone’s path to parenthood or happiness is “wrong” but it really doesn’t sit right with me and I’m not entirely sure why.

Well, they could have chosen to complicate matters by using a donor egg, but that still means it isn’t in any way, shape or form the op’s friends baby. She will not be able to take said baby away from its mother (legally the woman who gave birth to it) and claim any kind of PR just because she has handed over some cash.

We have laws governing assisted fertility, surrogacy, adoption, SGOs and private fostering- I paid for it so it’s mine is not a valid position when it comes to a living human being.

If you don’t understand that then I don’t think you are in any position to call me ignorant.

Ok sorry, I misread your tone!

"my body, my choice"...until its something you don't agree with.

The hypocrisy towards willing surrogates is mind blowing.

"my body, my choice"...until its something you don't agree with

It's not the choice of the baby to be sold though, is it?

We should all judge the buying and selling of human beings.

99.99% of surrogacy arrangements around the world involve poor women making a “choice” to take the money of rich western couples because otherwise they can’t afford to live. Women in Ukraine, India, Thailand and so on. This is not a choice. It’s desperation on their part, and exploitation on the part of the rich western couples. When rich western women are providing babies for poor infertile Olga in Kiev, it might be a genuine choice.

Genuine cases of absolute free choice to be a surrogate are vanishingly rare. Even in western countries like the UK, invariably the woman “could do with the money.” And even IF you can guarantee it is absolutely free choice, it still doesn’t mean it’s valid to exploit that good will and put her at risk. Or separate a baby from its mother.

It sounds to me like paying extra for an adoption without the baggage of a traditional adoption.

I’d venture her flippancy is a cover for her anxieties about her situation. How bizarre it must feel, after all, to be expecting a baby that you are not carrying yourself. She must think about the baby and their surrogate mother day in day out. I certainly would. It’s likely she doesn’t know what to feel, say or do as the reality of becoming a Mum in this way is probably just hitting home.

If I were in your situation I would consider my whole friendship with this person. It’s highly likely that they will need you - a thoughtful friend - once baby arrives, as parenting is so life altering for everyone. She will feel slightly different to other mothers I imagine, and so will want the comfort of people she knows supporting her with care. If you are willing and hoping to help then you may need to put your concerns to one side.

If your friends use of flippancy to cover worry is too difficult to deal with (which it may very well be) then I think your distancing yourself is the right thing. It will show her that sometimes flippancy is off putting, and not the sign of maturity some people wrongly consider it to be.

This. Your comment about adoption is ignorant OP, so that’s where you lost me.

Newborn babies are very rarely in the care system as it is only in the absolute worst cases where a baby is literally removed from the mother at birth. Usually in cases where the mother has had previous children removed and is known to still be a risk to them. If they are removed, they don’t go straight to adopters but usually to foster carers. By the time people can adopt them, they’re usually at least a year old and at that point then need to be ripped away from the foster carer (which is more cruel than ripping a newborn away from its surrogate mother imo!!).

So no, realistically if you want a newborn pretty much your only option would be surrogacy or IVF. Not saying it’s right, but let’s not pretend that adoption is a similar viable alternative.

my body, my choice"...until its something you don't agree with

No. We don't let people donate kidneys either, yet I'm sure lots of poor, vulnerable women would be tempted to if the price was right.

Why would you congratulate someone from buying a baby? It’s not a new car or house you know.

I wouldn't take flippant comments on such an emotive topic seriously you don't know how much hurt they are trying to disguise.

Legally life (and the protection there of) begins at birth in the uk- Until that point it is a foetus which relies solely on a woman’s body for survival- that woman has the right to decide if she wants to use her body to support that foetus or not.

Once the baby is born it has the same rights of protection as an adult- that includes the right not to be bought and sold.

There is no hypocrisy there- a foetus and a baby are two separate entities.

Anyway I don't want to derail the thread, just to say that having an opinion on a friends choice doesn't automatically make someone a bad friend.

@Darkdiamond no it doesn't, but sharing that opinion and outing details about a woman on an international website where threads often get picked up by tabloids and shared on social media does make you a bad friend.

Absolutely!

It sounds like human trafficking.

Why would you congratulate someone on buying a new car? Becoming a parent is a normal thing to congratulate someone for.

I think she's better off if you do distance yourself to be honest. If you can't separate your own views from someone else's then I don't think you're a great friendship match. We don't always agree with our friends choices, that's life, but it seems you can't get over it so best to just remove yourself.

I am fully aware that adoption isn’t a simple process, and that newborns are rare. But my stance still remains that if you’re desperate to be a parent, then adopt a child. Her words were “just want a baby”. Children don’t stay babies for long. Which gives me the impression it’s the gushy experience of a newborn which is the priority here rather than the child’s welfare.

You are free to believe all you want, I agree with you re surrogacy in general but it is not my business what other people do. A flip example would be I would expect a friend who was anti abortion to keep their mouth shut about my abortion, I would still be able to see them as a friend despite the fact we don't agree on that point.

She isn’t becoming a parent, she is planning to take part in the sale of a human life. That doesn’t make her a mother.

Crikey OP the nasty way you reply to some posters and the judgy way you talk about your friend, you maybe need to have a look at yourself. Also “just adopt”. Really? You have no idea how difficult and painful a process that is.

@Fatcat00 people always use the phrase "I want a baby". They are no thick or ignorant. They know a baby grows up to be a toddler, child, teenager, adult.... 🙄

Well it does because she will then raise the child and legally be its mother.

Oh definitely that. It's buying a baby to order.

I’m not pro surrogacy at all but comparing a newborn born to a loving family albeit by surrogacy to human trafficking is offensive to victims of it.

I always regret commenting on these threads as they lack nuance.