Friends surrogacy

[Fatcat00]

Not a particularly close friend, but friend enough for me to be invited to social events etc. has recently told me she is having a baby due in April, I was shocked and congratulated her, she then says “surrogate… obviously”. I was a bit lost for words.

for context friend has recently divorced, they had been trying for a baby for 5 years, had IVF etc. I furthered the conversation and asked if it was her egg. Her response was “nah, I’m not bothered if it’s not my biological baby.. I just want a baby”. Followed by “I can’t be assed putting hormones into my body for the sake of my own egg”. I am just so shocked and speechless, I don’t agree with surrogacy for a number of reasons. Some of them being I don’t agree with the hiring of a woman’s body. I don’t agree with a baby being ripped away from its mother to suit someone else’s needs and the physical and psychological implications to both baby and mother as such. Why not just adopt?? If you don’t care for the child to be your biological anyway, why not adopt a baby who needs a parent?

it’s kind of made me look at her in a different light. She seemed very flippant about it (I’m aware this is just how she has came across I’m sure it’s a lengthy and draining process). She says she was put in touch with this woman through a friend who had used her.

essentially, this surrogate has just got pregnant for the purpose of handing over the baby to someone else in exchange for cash. I think I’d still be a bit 🤔 even if it was her own egg if truth be told.

I just can’t get my head around it. Am I being a bit of a bigot? Aibu to want to distance myself a bit? I don’t like feeling as though someone’s path to parenthood or happiness is “wrong” but it really doesn’t sit right with me and I’m not entirely sure why.

There is no “same people going on and on” about anything. An abortion is done for the wellbeing of the pregnant woman, it’s she who benefits. (I personally believe there should be limits on this and I am against the absolutist view of abortion at any gestation.)

But the baby is removed after birth for the wellbeing of two random people, not for the wellbeing of the baby or its mother.

In some cases it’s removed for the benefit of middle-aged Chinese single men looking to anchor themselves as US citizens. In some cases it’s removed from its mother for the benefit of Hollywood movie stars who “don’t have time” or the inclination to have their own baby. In some cases it’s removed from its mother for the benefit of predatory males who are looking to obtain more children to abuse.

Nobody is twisting into knots over anything 😄

You said foetuses don't have any human rights and that the UK law informed your decision on having that stance. I was just wondering how laws in different regions are given different values depending on who is agreeing with them.

Anyway, as I said, I have a lot on today. It was just a passing observation.

Back to the OP.

”Same people going on and on” is a bit reductive. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I am not gung-ho anti surrogacy but I do recognise the ethical concerns and the dilemmas that surround it. Brushing it under the carpet helps nobody.

A 12 week gestated foetus (for Example) is not the same as 12 hour old newborn - there is a biological, legal and medical difference.

It is not that a foetus is “nothing”. I was extremely emotionally attached to my foetuses from the second I heard a heartbeat but legally, they have no rights and a newborn baby in the U.K. does. I have tried to say this politely but you are just refusing to see the difference. It’s not a value judgement, it is what it is.
You also must know it’s not “nothing” because it’s not legal nor accepted for a woman to request an abortion at 36 weeks just because she’s ‘changed her mind’. That is clear recognition that the later in pregnancy, the less socially and morally accepted it is to terminate a healthy pregnancy. It’s also illegal in the U.K. So, yes we do begin to recognise that - as pregnancy progresses - a foetus becomes viable and closer to becoming a legally recognised human with legal rights at birth.
I won’t speak about other countries and their culture and legislation as I do not know enough to pass comment.

Well apparently it’s a baby when surrogacy is involved.

Well of course it’s a baby in surrogacy A woman can’t hand over a foetus to intended parents can she?

This.

I think that poster is being deliberately obtuse.

It doesn’t really matter how you refer to the pregnancy “baby” or “foetus” or whatever. Once the child is out of the uterus of the surrogate, it’s a human.

What? No one has said that.

you get pregnant, the foetus grows until the baby is born. No one has claimed any different, as you well know.

She may mind very much that she can't get pregnant and carry a baby to term. I think she is putting a brave face on it. Likely her eggs are not viable and what's wrong with matching ethnicities. If I had ever been in this situation I would have chosen an egg which matched my ethnicity as I would feel confident about cultural vales and language and so on. IVF is I understand a grueling and sometimes heartbreaking process with loads of hormone injections. The surrogate is likely not using her own eggs either so it's not her biological child either so it's not a child being torn from its mother as you put it. Getting a positive pregnancy test in my thirties took me two weeks but not everyone is so fortunate.