Friends surrogacy

[Fatcat00]

Not a particularly close friend, but friend enough for me to be invited to social events etc. has recently told me she is having a baby due in April, I was shocked and congratulated her, she then says “surrogate… obviously”. I was a bit lost for words.

for context friend has recently divorced, they had been trying for a baby for 5 years, had IVF etc. I furthered the conversation and asked if it was her egg. Her response was “nah, I’m not bothered if it’s not my biological baby.. I just want a baby”. Followed by “I can’t be assed putting hormones into my body for the sake of my own egg”. I am just so shocked and speechless, I don’t agree with surrogacy for a number of reasons. Some of them being I don’t agree with the hiring of a woman’s body. I don’t agree with a baby being ripped away from its mother to suit someone else’s needs and the physical and psychological implications to both baby and mother as such. Why not just adopt?? If you don’t care for the child to be your biological anyway, why not adopt a baby who needs a parent?

it’s kind of made me look at her in a different light. She seemed very flippant about it (I’m aware this is just how she has came across I’m sure it’s a lengthy and draining process). She says she was put in touch with this woman through a friend who had used her.

essentially, this surrogate has just got pregnant for the purpose of handing over the baby to someone else in exchange for cash. I think I’d still be a bit 🤔 even if it was her own egg if truth be told.

I just can’t get my head around it. Am I being a bit of a bigot? Aibu to want to distance myself a bit? I don’t like feeling as though someone’s path to parenthood or happiness is “wrong” but it really doesn’t sit right with me and I’m not entirely sure why.

Maybe she can't bear any more of that because of the IVF and a biological connection doesn't matter to her?

I agree it's an unusual way to feel. I suspect the op was being nosy and the woman didn't feel like going into the details. She may be past the age where there's much chance of success with her own egg, or her eggs may be low quality and she knows it.

Surely it basically is planned adoption anyway? How is it surrogacy if the “surrogate birth mother” is basically having her own child and handing it over? Doesn’t sound like there’s a partner on the scene for your friend, so neither parent of the baby would be involved with the baby after birth. Donor sperm I guess, but totally unrelated to your friend donor sperm?

Look I don't disagree with you re surrogacy in general, but I've voted YABU because of the tone of your post in general.

She's a casual acquaintance, she doesn't owe you a serious discussion on her decision making process. You know she's had a horrific time with failed IVF so it's fair to say it's unlikely she's unaware of the issues or that she's wandered into this without giving it a lot of thought. And I don't know why you're judging her for choosing a surrogate of her ethnicity - would you judge the same for egg donation?

"Why not just adopt??" is an awful thing to say, and if you struggled with infertility yourself surely you understand that.

None of your goddam business. You have no idea what this woman has been through due to infertility, and you are clearly lacking any insight, imagination or empathy. It’s none of your business what the surrogate does with her body, and it’s none of your business whose egg it is. Please do distance yourself as this woman and her soon to be child really don’t need a person like you in their life.

YABVU.

My thoughts exactly.
Having a baby is not a straight line for everyone and to go through ivf and infertility for as long as you said she has gone through must be so traumatic and heart breaking.
She made have said it in a blasé tone to you, but I very very much doubt it was a blasé decision.
She isn't just "buying" a baby....
Jesus the absolute ignorance on this thread. Very obviously coming from a Lot of people who has most likely been lucky enough to have not suffered infertility or loss.

I hope your friend finally experiences the love that comes from motherhood after all this time.

See now I think the @Fatcat00 is just posting for bollocks and to stir things up as I’ve just remembered for surrogacy to happen the child has to be biological related to one parent. So she needs to be with the father. Single men can be parents through surrogacy and single woman can but only if she’s used her own eggs

Adoption isn't the same now as it was 50 years ago when unmarried mothers were forced/pressured to give up their babies due to societal pressures.

Now parents are encouraged to keep their babies and usually sw only remove those at serious risk, resulting in most babies available for adoption being from addicted/damaged /mentally ill parents, which in turn quite often results in all sorts of health problems for the children, making them less desirable candidates for adoption.

Hence the rise in surrogacy - which didn't exist 50 years ago anyway.

This thread is very emotive, as is the issue.

But I do understand why you see your friend in a different light. I would feel the same regarding surrogacy, despite how heartbreaking infertility and IVF are ( I had both).

I think this is awful - she is buying a baby which is being created for her, she has no genetic link to the baby at all.

I wouldn't be sending her congratulations or sending her a present.

I suspect this woman has gone through many years of heartache for a much longed for baby, and has developed this way of talking about it to people to try sheild her emotions. OP is trying to make it sound like she woke up one morning and decided to go through with this process randomly.

I'm not anti-surrogacy. I am anti the surrogate v adoption discussion that inevitably happens when one is mentioned. They are two entirely separate processes that require a lot of consideration!

I've no doubt this baby will grow up in a loving household with a mother who has longed to care for this baby, which is sadly a far better start in life than some babies who go home with their biological parents!

This isn't true.

Why quote a Bible verse and then imply that if you question the moral ethics of someone's decision you're a bad person.

Jesus never said that. Being a good person doesn't mean blindly affirming everything other people do. Sometimes being a good person doesn't even mean being nice.

If you recognised it’s none of your business why on earth did you ask her whose egg it is!? What an intrusive and busy-body thing to ask. I’m not surprised she gave a flippant response.

Jesus never said that

errr. Judge not lest ye yourself be judged?

Well this is exactly what I thought which is what prompted my question of it is was her egg (to clear up for those that are so aghast by my question). The reason that I even questioned it in the first place is because when she was telling she told me that it was a south asian surrogate with a south asian sperm donor. Never knew that was even legal?

im not “stirring things up” ffs but if a post on mumsnet is all it takes to stir up some excitement in peoples lives then I don’t know what to say really.

If a man said to me that he uses prostitutes, damn right I’ll say something, because he’s just made it my business by telling me and I will judge him for it. If this woman doesn’t want to be judged for playing a role in the exploitation of a woman and human trafficking, she shouldn’t tell people what she’s doing.

You said it yourself op, she's not a particularly close friend. Why does she need to bare her soul and private heartbreak to you? That would explain the flippancy to me. I'd say it's concealing a world of pain that she's decided you are not someone she wants to open up to about that.

The hormone comment is disingenuous- if she's had ivf, she'll already have been pumped full of hormones, and mentioning her egg suggests to me that her eggs aren't working. I'd say she'll also have another diagnosis around implantation issues/carrying to term, which is why she's going for surrogacy. Because otherwise you'd just carry your own baby as it's vastly cheaper, easier etc, than going through a surrogacy process.

You're judging someone based on seeing the tip of an iceberg of pain. You're the unreasonable one.

What happened to ‘my body, my choice’? Acting as a surrogate can give the surrogate a truly life-changing sum of money. In the US, the going rate for surrogacy can allow a young woman to put herself through college, put a huge down payment on a house or lift her family out of poverty.

Who are YOU to deny her that?

Also to be clear, she had shared much more intimate details about it all which I’ve not posted here for obvious reasons. For those of you chanting about how much it isn’t my business. I don’t WANT it to be my business and would’ve been quite fine with not knowing anything about it. She brought it up not me.

Are you seriously asking what’s wrong with exploiting poor women? Fucking hell. That baby, once born, isn’t HER body either, she’s not the only one involved.

In the US, the going rate for surrogacy can allow a young woman to put herself through college, put a huge down payment on a house or lift her family out of poverty.

If it’s between poverty and risking your body and life to fulfil a rich person’s wants, that’s anything but a choice.

No, that's not legal. She won't get a PO in this country and she won't be able to bring the baby home if this is happening abroad, unless she is a citizen of another country and is following different laws.

You still shouldn't have asked - your reasons aren't really justified.

Keeping away from the rights or wrongs of surrogacy- she's done IVF, according to your post. So she's done the 'hormones and shot' and May juts be protecting herself emotionally by saying that, because it didn't work. Ultimately if it's not something you agree with, your choice how much to pull back from the friendship.

She’d be no friend of mine any longer. Surrogacy is abhorrent.

I wouldn’t tell her why but I’d block her and move on.

To add, I always find quite loaded and emotionally charged comments about surrogacy and how morally reprehensible it is from usernames which actually make their identity as a mother clear so, so sad. Eg buying babies, ripping them from their mother…

I have, very thankfully, only seen infertility and the physical and mental pain it causes through friends. But who knows what the future has in store for me, given that some friends also had unexplained secondary infertility. This has given me a far less clear cut view about surrogacy.