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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to take kids to his mum for a few days

245 replies

ditzzy · 30/10/2023 06:53

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time but it came up again last night.

DH (well partner, we’re not married) is a SAHD and is in charge of activities for half term this week. It’s his first holiday in charge of both DD as DD2 is in reception (DD1 is 8). I’ve managed to take Wednesday and Thursday off and was starting to look for some nice days out.

He asked last night whether I could swap to Thursday and Friday off so that he could take them 100 miles away to his mum’s for the first half of the week.

I know I’m working, so it’s it’s my own fault for not being able to go too, hence maybe I’m being unreasonable for not wanting them to go and have fun without me, but I don’t like it because:

I like going there too.
Whenever we go there he and his mum do all her household admin and leave me looking after DDs, so I think they’ll be told to be quiet and play on their own there and not enjoy it (and I don’t want them to have a bad memory of their Granny).
He’s not asked her - she likes warning of visitors as she has her own social life as well!
I usually do all the food sorting etc for DDs when we go there, as well as early morning wake ups - he’s going to tell them to be quiet, go back to bed, when they would normally get up.
It’s a two hour plus drive which I entertain kids for in the back of the car.
The car also has a battery problem at the moment, so I don’t think he should risk taking it that far until it’s fixed.

Surely he knows these things too? Some is just DH being inconsiderate to his mum; some is his own anxiety about being in charge of them both on his own so wants her help; some is presumably just because he wants to make the point that I’m being awkward (and he thinks I prioritise work over family too much).

Any thoughts? Should I just bite my tongue and help him pack? Or point out that he’s really not thinking about everyone else by suggesting it?

OP posts:
Trinity65 · 30/10/2023 19:11

How Controlling

Sounds like its all about You

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 30/10/2023 19:11

Yabu
And your "reasons" are very weak and sound like you just don't want him to take them because you can't go too.

Beeboopaboo · 30/10/2023 19:18

If you've got 2 kids with the man, and you really are partners, you ought to be able to talk to him about this relatively trivial matter. It's disturbing that you don't seem to feel able to.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 30/10/2023 19:19

You are very controlling. Do you have ask your DH permission to do things as well or is that the privilege of the wage earner?

MangshorJhol · 30/10/2023 19:22

Your children are school aged. One is closer to double digits. They can’t do a two hour car journey and behave themselves?!

So what if they are bored?
They can also entertain themselves surely? And be quiet when they need to.

Also it’s Monday- she might well be better by tomorrow evening.

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 30/10/2023 19:22

Let him parent his kids. Unclench. Try to enjoy the peace and quiet.

TheresaBouvey · 30/10/2023 19:23

You can’t control the memories they will have of their granny

sounds very micromanaging

mayndy they don’t like being quiet, maybe they’ll be fine, it’s good for kids to experience different rules and expectations

Hohofortherobbers · 30/10/2023 19:23

It's quite refreshing that the OP has FOMO about visiting her MIL, quite the compliment.

Restinggoddess · 30/10/2023 19:30

This is why women complain about cognitive overload- he is not a child, stop treating him as such
Let him get on with it - you cannot micromanage like this for ever, you will burn out
Your children will have their own memories- whatever you do and it’s probably not the things you think they will remember

Enjoy some time to yourself

MrsMarzetti · 30/10/2023 19:32

Do you think this is more about you not wanting them to cope or have fun without you ? Insist the car battery is sorted before they go and insist he tells his mum he is planning to visit, ( i bet she knows already) They will manage without you for a few days..

Avocadoseed · 30/10/2023 19:33

YABU and sound controlling.

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 30/10/2023 19:36

hes not a sahd lol. hes an unemployed parent of school age children who does the school runs. does he clean and shop and cook meals.

MummyJ36 · 30/10/2023 19:42

OP kids are more than old enough to entertain themselves for 2 hours in the car unless there is another issue going on that you haven’t mentioned?

Also wtf with your DH cavalier attitude about not working because he wants to be “fully appreciated” 🤣 Maaate. I’d have told him to suck it up and get an entry level job ages ago.

allydoobs83 · 30/10/2023 19:45

Completely agree with other posts; let him get on with it. If it's a total disaster, a few days out of your kids' lives won't have any effect, but it could be a huge learning curve for your DP.
It'd be good manners for him to clear this with his mum before turning up on her doorstep, but tbh, the only thing I'd be concerned about is the problem with the car; in your shoes, I'd definitely ensure this was sorted and/or there was breakdown cover in place beforehand but other than that, I'd take a step back

arethereanyleftatall · 30/10/2023 19:45

This whole set up is absolutely ridiculous.

  1. No, adults do not get to only work 'if they are appreciated.' Tough shit. Get a job.
  1. Your children are 8 and 4/5. It is doing them zero favours to mollycoddle them so much. Sitting in the back of the car with them in case they drop a toy is batshit.
  1. You should not be doing any lunches, or the food organising, whatever that means, when your husband has absolutely fuck all to do.
  1. The fact that he is prepared to take them to his mums on his own, given that he either is, or you've made him out to be, completely and utterly useless, should have you shouting hallelujah.
  1. No, you don't get to control what he does, given that this is his seemingly one job.
  1. Why are you with him.
  1. What does he do all day.
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2023 19:46

OK if he's a SAHP to school-aged children, he has time to cook, clean, look after your household admin and be a good father. If he's a good father he can drive them somewhere and look after them with granny adequately, making sure everyone's need are met without shouting or being a neglectful dick. And he can pack.

If he can't sort food, look after his children, drive them without shouting, get them at at a normal time and pack, he's not a good partner or father.

He needs to choose his own adventure. I wouldn't be with an unemployed man who was a shit father. You're not even married so you can just deal with joint child residency and leave him. Rather than trying to control the situation by worrying about the minutiae rather than the massive, obvious issues.

GracePalmer33 · 30/10/2023 19:48

What do you mean when you say you like going there too when you've made it sound so shit? Haha

coxesorangepippin · 30/10/2023 19:48

Get the kids tablets for the car and appreciate having a family member who will actually help out

diddl · 30/10/2023 19:48

I can understand that you don't want them to be away when you actually have days off work & want to spend time with them.

He does sound useless but I can't help wondering if that is because you do so much!

Cowlover89 · 30/10/2023 19:49

Yabu

coxesorangepippin · 30/10/2023 19:49

Granny actually sounds quite fun to be fair

Was she pissed on the train? 🤔🍾

Luckyduc · 30/10/2023 19:53

I'm a SAHP and every term time I take our child on days out or even away. Right now we are 400 miles away from my husband on a 2 week break staying with grandparents ......he's left at home and going to work. Why should our child suffer or me just because he's working? Also my husband sounds like yours but when in charge he pulls his act together and parents mich better than me! It's not that he can't do it...they just are lazy cause you choose to do it. Also it's not up to you how he parents....its none of your business what he chooses to do and make breakfast or tell them to play on their own. He'd do that anyway if he's he's SAHP. Your sound like an absolute nightmare and I've no idea why he even sticks about.

Hayliebells · 30/10/2023 20:01

I'd be encouraging him to go, I love the house to myself!

EasilyDistracted77 · 30/10/2023 20:02

Personally, I always relish the times my DH takes the kids away to his family. 2-3 days of having no responsibility for anything except myself? Yes please!
You like going there too? Arrange another trip when you can all go together.
Everything else is not your problem: nothing awful is going to happen for the few days they are away: the children have responsible adults taking care of them.
Just enjoy some time doing exactly what you want (outside of work!), and look forward to seeing them when they get home.
Which reminds me, I really must talk to my DH about when he's taking the children away next 😁

HMW1906 · 30/10/2023 20:13

How have your children got to 8 and 4 and still need you to ride in the back with them to entertain them on a long car journey??

My DS is nearly 3 and can manage to entertain himself on long car journeys. I give him a couple of books, a snack and play nursery rhymes or Blippi songs for him. We’ve never travelled in the back with him to entertain him, never realised that people actually feel the need to do that. He can also entertain himself for half an hour in the house whilst I do ‘admin tasks’.

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