DH wants to take kids to his mum for a few days

[ditzzy]

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time but it came up again last night.

DH (well partner, we’re not married) is a SAHD and is in charge of activities for half term this week. It’s his first holiday in charge of both DD as DD2 is in reception (DD1 is 8). I’ve managed to take Wednesday and Thursday off and was starting to look for some nice days out.

He asked last night whether I could swap to Thursday and Friday off so that he could take them 100 miles away to his mum’s for the first half of the week.

I know I’m working, so it’s it’s my own fault for not being able to go too, hence maybe I’m being unreasonable for not wanting them to go and have fun without me, but I don’t like it because:

I like going there too.
Whenever we go there he and his mum do all her household admin and leave me looking after DDs, so I think they’ll be told to be quiet and play on their own there and not enjoy it (and I don’t want them to have a bad memory of their Granny).
He’s not asked her - she likes warning of visitors as she has her own social life as well!
I usually do all the food sorting etc for DDs when we go there, as well as early morning wake ups - he’s going to tell them to be quiet, go back to bed, when they would normally get up.
It’s a two hour plus drive which I entertain kids for in the back of the car.
The car also has a battery problem at the moment, so I don’t think he should risk taking it that far until it’s fixed.

Surely he knows these things too? Some is just DH being inconsiderate to his mum; some is his own anxiety about being in charge of them both on his own so wants her help; some is presumably just because he wants to make the point that I’m being awkward (and he thinks I prioritise work over family too much).

Any thoughts? Should I just bite my tongue and help him pack? Or point out that he’s really not thinking about everyone else by suggesting it?

It's interesting because lots of people say you're BU but I don't think you are. I can feel what you're saying in my bones.

My husband has these grand plans for things he can do with the children but he is short tempered, rude, doesn't like them chatting in the car, will shout at them, forgets to feed them etc. We walk on egg shells around him. [I will be leaving when I can] So your posts really resonated.

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to protect your children from the dark side of their father

You think it’s acceptable to spread covid? Stay the hell away from me & my family!

Of course she is being unreasonable. In so many replies people are saying she should 'let' him take them, since when did one parent need the other parent's permission regarding their children?

One sneeze represents COVID
How bloody ridiculous

Would you ask a women how she was a SAHM if both kids were in school? Would you suggest she should be working?

🤣

OP you can have the house to yourself!

Invite your mates over for cocktails

have a pamper night where you put on a face mask or whatever

I really can’t see what your issue is!

enjoy ! 🥂

I'd imagine a lot of people would, yes, particularly if they still needed their partner to micromanage their parenting. It's hardly the norm these days, is it.

By the time I was 8, I stayed as far away from my father’s mother as I could get. She would wait until we were alone and then was cruel to me. She was awful.

As long as there are no issues like this and as long as your car is in working order, I don’t see any problem in them going.

He IS their father - is he not?

Sounds like you are preempting many failures. People fail and learn in any job, including being a SAHP. I think it’s a hard, relentless, privileged job that can leave a parent wondering who they are and utterly usurped. This is why I can understand why he wants to the support of his mum, especially if he hasn’t been a full time parent to both of your girls, yet.

He is a grown up. If this is his job for the foreseeable future, then maybe let him build his own confidence in proving that he can manage the stressful journey of keeping them entertained, stopping for toilet breaks and copious supply of snacks and books etc. let him find how he will cope with mornings and allow him to prove to himself that he can get the girls fed, etc. As with any job, he has to find his feet.

This comes across as very controlling by you. Imagine a man posting the same thing about his SAHM partner?

Op you need perspective. He wants to take them to his mum's, not war torn Ukraine !
I'm sorry but you sounds super controlling, worrying about the girls being bored etc... what do you think will happen to them if they get bored ? Nothing - they'll survive. I'd tell my kids to stop winging about toys fallen on the car floor too, I wouldn't be pandering to entertaining my kids in the back of the car for 2 hours. Sounds like you baby them massively on top of being controlling. You need to let go. Seems like you pander to your kids needs disproportionately, give them space and let them be. Jeez - what I'd give to see DH and DDs drive off to Grannie's for a few days!

This comes up every half term, I thought I’d made my feelings clear when I stopped it last time but it came up again last night.

If my DH said that about me I'd be fucking fuming - why do your 'feelings' trump his?

There must be more to this....nobody is that desperate to spend time with their MIL that they have FOMO when they're left behind. No man as useless as you describe would arrange a 2 hour car journey to willingly have sole responsibility of 2 kids - yea his mum would be there, but it sounds like you are anyway through the day? He could just sit on his arse at home and let you pick up the slack during your working day as you've implied he regularly does.

Yes you're being VVVVUR - unclench, this isn't the huge deal you're making it out to be.

You do sound very controlling. That can't be fun for you. Try to let this go.

Too many issues conflating here.
You don’t want to miss out.
He is a crap lazy impatient parent.
His mum will help but you don’t want her to.
It is easier when mil comes down as you can have control.
You are now secretly relieved your child is unwell so it won’t happen.
Now nobody will have fun.

Maybe away from this thread, work out what’s really going on here and make some changes.

I have just read the OP’s replies. No mention of Covid. Did I miss something?

So how would that phone call work then?
Hi mum it's me, i was coming to see you and bringing the kids but my wife won't let me

How long is the train journey that meant skipping a meal involved fainting and ambulances?

how old is the elderly relative?

this all seems very high drama.

Couldn’t you all just go and you work from there? Not saying that he needs you to do so and I do think YABU a bit (apart from the car battery and the fact he hasn’t discussed with her.) but could be a good compromise if you are feeling left out.

My children are 10 and 7. I have been taking them to my mum’s in half terms and holidays since my eldest was tiny (I have been a SAHM and am also a teacher). I dream of the time (it’ll never happen 😂) when my DH takes the kids to his parents’ for a few days…. I am so envious of his evenings all to himself when I’m away! I would let your DH get on with it and enjoy the peace!

There's lots going on here but it sounds to me like your need for control is partly due to you not trusting him to do a decent enough job as Co parent and from what you've said about him I don't really blame you.

Unfortunately I think you will have to leave him to it or split, he obviously doesn't make you very happy at all.

Your posts are confusing.

You sound controlling.

You sound like you’re finding minuscule excuses so you can justify putting your foot down and telling your DH he can’t take them up, but the truth is your nose is out of joint because you want to go as well.

Why do you want to go? You describe having to do all the child duties when you’re there as your DH is so incredibly busy with his DM for days and days sorting out insurance forms and the like, and you need to sit in the back of the car with your 8 yo (!!!!) otherwise they cannot manage an hour and a half in the car. Doesn’t sound like a nice family trip. On the one hand you say you like going, but then you describe a situation where you don’t think your DH will manage the DC in the way you would like, so you don’t want him to take them. And you say you’ve put your foot down about this before..? WTF?

You sound either jealous they’re going away without you, or worried you’ll have to relinquish control and won’t be there to micro manage.

Which is it?

You sounds pretty controlling OP. Absoloutely he should go.

Your kids are 5 and 8 and need entertaining for a imo short car journey?!
mine have regularly travelled 4-6 hour car journeys with me alone in the car, even as babies I haven’t done anything to entertain them!!
he does need to sort the car issue and he does need to let his mum know the plans. Other than that, YABU.

If you can’t trust your partner to look after your children- to entertain them on a two hour car journey, to do early morning wake up calls & sort out their food- then you seriously need to reconsider his role as the stay at home parent!
just sounds like a huge amount of FOMO! Which I can understand, but suck it up butter cup- this is his way to break up the cycle of being a stay at home parent and to have a change of scenery!