Husband won’t call grandchild by his name

[Blyther]

our grandchild (5 months) has an unusual name. It’s a made up name which is a bit ‘out there’- think along the lines of ‘starry-Skye’ or ‘misty-bridge’. Our daughter in law is a bit whacky.

It’s of course entirely up to the parents to choose the name of their child but my husband won’t even say his name as it makes him cringe so much. He refers to the baby as ‘the little one’ or will call him by his middle name.

It’s now become apparent to the parents how he refuses to use his name and it’s causing an atmosphere. I just don’t know what to say to them as I completely understand his point and feel very sorry about the potential bullying he (the baby) is likely to encounter further down the road.

Advice on moving forward please.

Nothing except showing the children that her opinion is more important than their feelings, and that they matter so little she can’t even be arsed to do them the common courtesy of using their names.

She probably thinks that she can do it with anyone’s name-too stupid, too long, too foreign? I’m going to give you a proper name of my choosing.

Tell him he is being unbelievably rude and needs to grow up.

That’s his grandchild’s name. Refusing to say it is disrespectful to his grandchild, not just his son and daughter in law.

He's being disrespectful. Does he really think his opinion on someone else's name matters that much? It's not his place to decide.

On another note, I wonder how many mother in laws say their precious sons have married controlling women that their sons are scared of? I can’t imagine a father agreeing to a name that he doesn’t like.

Not really getting the vitriol in these posts. I can’t really remember many people calling either of ours by their names, they were more often “the baby”, “little man”, “poppet”, “spud”, “monkey”… we used their names when addressing them directly to get their attention, but generally pet names were used. I really can’t see the big deal.

Some very nasty dramatic posts here. A grandfather calling his grandchild ‘little one’ or ‘lovey’ or ‘sweetie’ or another form of endearment isn’t damaging or toxic. Having a volatile controlling mother who gives you a whacky name just to be attention-seeking could well be.

That’s a very good suggestion- thank you

Exactly

My grandmother had dementia and called me Jeremy.

I am not Jeremy.

😂😂😂

Just tell him to call him 'Champ' in public 😆 Nobody in our family actually refers to each other by their full, given first name. It's either shortened or changed a bit. It's a sign of affection. In fact the only people outside the family who get their proper names, are people we aren't that friendly with. Could grandad not think of a fun/cute play on the name?

My MiL would probably say something like this, conveniently ignoring the fact my FIL uses to abuse and assault his sons when they were growing up and that's actually why I do the small amount of communication we have with them

She blames me for the lack of contact because its easier than confronting the truth that her husband is a bully and she enabled it

I don't see what's wrong with being given a special nickname, my grandmother gave one to me and I gave her my own special name back that has stuck for nearly 40yrs.
Did your husbands grandfather have a nickname for him he could use for the little one?

If you genuinely believe he can't say it without laughing - for example, if he had a new boss called Starry-Skye, he'd also laugh every time he said it at work - there are still other options.

First, are you sure there's no usable nickname? It might not be an obvious one; plenty of traditional nicknames are way out there too like Margaret > Daisy, Mary > Polly, George > Doddie, etc. Try playing with the sounds. Can you do something with initial(s) - like Misty-Bridges could be MB or M or even something like Emmie? I once knew a Kristina who was nicknamed Kimmie because her initials were KIM. Be creative; it sounds like whatever he settles on can't be WORSE than (his opinion of) the real name!

And there are nicknames that have nothing to do with the child's own name and may not be used by everyone - some families have special nicknames that one person calls the child; it probably wouldn't be odd from the child's point of view to have a special "Grandpa" name. Anything at all - Champ, Slugger, Pumpkin, Monkey, Bubba, Bug, whatever. The parents probably know by now that he hates the name, but they don't have to be reminded every time they see him. And the baby doesn't ever have to know.

I think in the long run some kids are going to change their names when they are adults.
I no of 3 people so far that have changed their names one was 18 one was 20 & 22 .
Maybe outing but one was called atmosphere changed to amy .
The other one called boo changed to bonnie.
Last was atlas changed to adam.

A ‘made up’ name. As opposed to all the naturally occurring names one routinely encounters in the wild?

This is what happened in my family too. Older half brother called their first child something "interesting, unique and difficult to spell" and my dad did not engage with. he died before she was old enough to have an opinion and she's changed it to something normal anyway now.

It's fine OP, it wont be a problem soon when they cut you off and you aren't allowed to see the baby at all.

No, he is completely under the thumb and goes along with whatever she wants- I think he’s a bit scared of her, she has outbursts and is easily angered

This probably translates to "he stands up for himself against us now".

The point isn’t that the bloke shouldn’t call the baby a pet name, that’s totally fine and normal- it’s that he is refusing to accept the babies name and calling it by it’s middle name, which is rude.

If he had just been polite and called it’poppet/ babby/ little love or whatever, no one would have noticed or cared.

My grandad never got my son’s name correct once- he wasn’t being a dick, he was just in his 90’s and somehow always came up with a name that rhymes with my sons name 😂

Its the laughing, pulling his face and being rude that’s the issue.

Sounds awful but I'm dying to know what the name is now.

Do agree with PPs though. Unfortunately he is gonna have to learn to live with it. At least the child won't blame him if he is indeed bullied when he is older!

Just use "little man" or "my grandson" no one would think anything of it?!

The reality is that whatever you both think of the name, it's your grandchild's name and it's not changing any time soon.
He can use all the alternative terms of endearment under the sun but at some point he's going to have to use his actual name in conversation somewhere.

You're both entitled to your opinions of the name and you're both entitled to voice those opinions - your dil can't be offended because you don't like it. Similarly your dil is entitled to tell you that you don't need to like it as it's not your child.

Be honest with her and then just crack on and use it because it will only get harder to avoid it.

It's Teddy Bear, isn't it 🧸🐻🧸🐻🧸

I just keep thinking Kunte Kinte. Oh Gawd it's not, is it?