To be heartbroken one DC completely blanks my other DC?

[Tinwoodswoman]

I have two adult DC one has so much, ie big house on the coast, 3 kids, loving husband, plays golf etc, the other younger one, alone and hard working. Older DC treats younger DC like a stranger and with undeserved contempt most of the time. No conversation, grudging and late birthday and Christmas presents, almost as if they aren’t there. I am so sad about this. I am a young(ish) widow and am seriously considering leaving the bulk of my money to younger DC due to the mean attitude of older DC. AIBU?

And some people are ‘alone’ for a reason.

None of us can know why, there’s not nearly enough information here.

I can't stand my brother. It would only add to my annoyance if my parents tried to make me like him. Leaving your money to one is a sure fire way to make their relationship even worse, so if that's your plan, go for it!

A technically shared childhood is often what drives siblings apart. They have had very different experiences or have different narratives of their childhoods, and those narratives cause dissension in adulthood. I am not at all close to my siblings (as in, none of us are close), which my mother is very sad about, but she fails to recognise that our impoverished, overcrowded, dysfunctional childhood meant we were thrown together to compete for minimal resources as children, and as adults have constructed ourselves very different lives where our needs are met.

To be honest, I'm like this with my brother (we are in our 50s) we pretty much have the same materially, but I have no real relationship with him, haven't spoken to or seen him for months now. More than likely the next time I see him will be Christmas.

He wasn't particularly nice to me when we were in our 20s, when I helped him out massively when his relationship broke down. When I'd served my purpose, he turned on me.

My mother did say about the fact we aren't close and that he will have no one when they are gone. She didn't like it when I told her that was his problem, not mine. I am not going out of my way for him, just to make her happy.

If they decided to leave the bulk of their estate to him because of that, I couldn't give a toss.

This has touched a nerve with me. I am the oldest sibling and have husband, 3 kids, dogs, period home (money pit which we can’t keep up with 😏). One sibling single parent one single. We speak but they often show their apparent contempt for me. It’s really sad and hurts. I wish my parents would challenge the siblings. My life is far from blessed, just like theirs (won’t bore with all my woes but it’s real life stuff). I think you should tell your older child how hurt you feel but not leave uneven inheritance. No one knows what is round the corner.

You can't fix their relationship, only maintain your own respective relationships with them. I'm inclined to agree with posters who suggest you help out your younger child financially now rather than leave an uneven split in your will.

Well, there are a lot of people on here who have no or few friends, because they are shy, introverted, socially anxious.

They wouldn’t treat other people with contempt though, nor do they deserve to be treated with contempt, or to field dark mutterings that there’s a “reason” they’re alone.

@Mirabai I haven’t muttered anything dark. You are the one who has completely fabricated a narrative about a jealous older sibling who wanted to be an only child.

Projection, I’m sure

@Mirabai that may be true, but you never know what battles other people might be fighting daily. Sometimes those who might appear to be less 'needy' on the surface are finding life just as tough.

It beggars belief that a parent can even think of treating their offspring so inequitably.

I’ll ignore the petty knee-jerk attack. I haven’t fabricated any narrative. I highlighted a dynamic in some sibling relationships. Whether that is going on here we don’t know.

Money is not a compensation for life though, it’s just a practical matter. One has a double income as they are married, and lives in a big house. The other is single and doesn’t.

Equality doesn’t mean treating everyone the same. Indeed OP consideration is to equalise their circumstance. I don’t have any problem with my less well off sibling receiving more, why would I?

You haven't said op if you've asked your DC why they feel the way they do towards each other especially the older one.

Being family doesn't guarantee a relationship when adults.

Iv got 3 adult DC. My dd the eldest doesn't see her brother's much especially the older one. They are perfectly civil towards one another but just don't make the effort with each other. My youngest son gets on best with his older brother but also gets along with his sister. They will all come to my home for Early Xmas we celebrate on the second weekend of December each year and speak with each other and exchange gifts. I doubt my DD will speak to her brothers again until the summer whereas my 2 son's will have spent weekends in each other's houses. I will be leaving them all one third each.

In what way is the older one unkind, exactly? What would you like them to do that they are not doing? Does the younger one make an effort with the older one?

Not all siblings get on. You can't force it, and they may have their reasons for not liking each other.

It’s sad that your children don’t get on but I don’t see what that has to do with the inheritance you will leave them. They might just have different personalities or something might have gone on between them you know nothing about.

Also I don’t see why you would punish your older child for doing well. It’s lovely they have a good life and you should be glad of your child’s happiness. At the same time you can still support your younger child in improving their own life if they are unhappy being single.

Leave the money 50/50 or you will just cause further resentment and division between them. Your older child will definitely see anything else as favouritism towards the younger sibling.

You can't control your children's relationship with money.

Their relationship with each other is not your relationship with either of them.

You can treat them unequally because of your perception.

Loads if adult siblings don’t engage/get on. The title suggested they were little kids under the same roof.

It's an awful argument to try to claim that because one adult offspring appears to be more 'needy' at the moment, that they somehow deserve more money.

For a start, there's no way of knowing what challenges and struggles the apparently 'less needy' adult may be facing.

Secondly, circumstances can change overnight. A single person may meet a partner, a married person could get divorced. Illness, redundancy are other issues which can impact on anyone in the future.

Any parent who treats their offspring inequitably based on a snapshot at a po

Snapshot of a point in time, without knowing the nuances of what is happening in each persons life and with no idea what will happen in future - doesn't deserve to be a parent frankly

You are not being unreasonable. It sounds as if you older child is rich in many ways but impoverished in compassion and love. Focus on your younger daughter and try to help her move past wanting the love of her older sibling as she probably feels the rejection profoundly. You are clearly very aware that if you did leave anything to them and didn’t stipulate your older sibling will likely march in and control your estate possibly not leaving the younger sibling her share. Your younger DC is lucky to have a mother who recognises the injustice of you DS’s behaviour. Good luck x

Bil was left everything from his parents estate.

Bil now has 3 houses and nearly 7 figures in cash because he played the “I am so lonely card”

He is alone because he is a prick with either no awareness of situations or he played the martyr that no one would go out with him knowing he would get the sympathy from his mother.

She fell for it all. No pointing out what he was doing would result in him being alone.

Apparently dh having a wife meant he didn’t need anything.

What’s your strategy here, OP? Are you planning to keep the contents of your will a secret while you’re alive, using it as a way to punish your old child when you’re gone? By definition, you won’t get to see them punished - so are you looking for the “satisfaction” of knowing it’s going to happen one day? Because that’s pretty cold towards your own child. The most likely outcome is that you’ll destroy their memories of you and, if they don’t hate their sibling already, they definitely will then.

Or are you hoping when they see the will, it will be a sudden moment of realisation? That they’ll cry “How could I have been so blind?”, beg their sibling for forgiveness and vow that, although it’s too late to change things with you, it’s not too late to change things with their sibling and they will work every day to make things right? Maybe in the afternoon TV movie on Channel 5, but not in real life.

Or is it, as I suspect, that you’re planning to threaten to change your will to disinherit your eldest in an attempt to force a change in relationship? Because that’s unlikely to work either. Do you really want your adult children to spend more time together due to bribery? It will only breed more resentment in the elder and hugely embarrass the younger if they ever found out. Plus, it’s not future-proof. What’s to stop the elder child telling the younger “See ya - have a nice life” the minute probate is granted and then never seeing them again?

If you really must intervene, do it now via words rather than via your will. But don’t favour one child, and don’t be surprised if you’re told to kind your own business.

I can absolutely understand this point of view. Thank you.

it’s really hard to give your all when just the basic needs are met. Parents absolutely have the responsibility to ensure all their children feel equally loved and cared for. Valued. It’s so important, specially for long-term healthy relationships amongst siblings.

Clueless post from @evian76. The executors of a will have to carry it out as directed. It's not up to one beneficiary to just wade in and not give another one their share.

I’m sorry if I got things wrong, I wasn’t really talking about a stipulated will but can see how I didn’t express my comment clearly. I feel quite humiliated by the term clueless, sorry for getting things wrong Lizzy