Page 5 | To be heartbroken one DC completely blanks my other DC?

Tinwoodswoman · 2023-10-29T18:12:25+00:00

I have two adult DC one has so much, ie big house on the coast, 3 kids, loving husband, plays golf etc, the other younger one, alone and hard working. Older DC treats younger DC like a stranger and with undeserved contempt most of the time. No conversation, grudging and late birthday and Christmas presents, almost as if they aren’t there. I am so sad about this. I am a young(ish) widow and am seriously considering leaving the bulk of my money to younger DC due to the mean attitude of older DC. AIBU?

DarkDarkNight · 29/10/2023 21:35

Trying to read between the lines, do you think the older child thinks they’re somehow superior because they’ve ‘done better’ in life? As if they see themselves as harder working or better person?

I would probably do as a previous poster has said and help the youngest out while you are alive if you are able. I see nothing wrong with an uneven split in assets if you feel this would be of greater help to your youngest. I know some people feel really strongly that things should be completely even, but if one child already has so much more it seems unfair to me.

girljulian · 29/10/2023 21:37

Goodornot · 29/10/2023 20:39

No by that I mean there ought to have been more consequences and punishment for my sister calling me fat, ugly, punching me multiple times daily, getting other kids to laugh at me in school and bully me. She did this in to teenage years.

She had anorexia and never developed when I had periods normally. She used to pick the bathroom lock burst in and laugh at me changing my pad. She would then hold her nose and say my periods are stupid and smelly and that I stunk. I got severe hang ups about it and was embarrassed and hid them.

My mother did nothing about it and still minimises it now.

I can see that people like you have the hall marks of abusers yourself. Yes i wanted my mother to favour me for once and stop letting her precious first born get clean away with very serious abuse of me, both physical and emotional.

You sound like a nasty horrid person in saying a child deserved their abuse or that their attitide caused it @SouthShore. what the hell is wrong with you?

She never made sure I was safe in my own home and a bit of care now would make up for a life time of abuse and coming second fiddle to whatever drama my sister has caused in her own life next. She still dominates everyone with her histrionics and drama.

Edited

Show quote history

You’re describing a person suffering from an obvious mental illness so I’m not at all surprised that your mother didn’t want to punish her further??

JustMarriedBecca · 29/10/2023 21:37

Your post suggests DC2 is the favoured child. Just maintain your relationship with each child individually.

Also, I am just NOT a card person. I work FT, have busy kids, professional. I do not have the time or inclination to spend hours in card shops picking meaningful stationary to send birthday cards. My Mum does not understand this. I always get the kids to write thank you cards and will send some form of card saying Happy Birthday (sometimes a bit late) but this drives my Mum insane. She buys cards months in advance for her friends and writes the date and name on them.

The point is that just because presents and cards might be symbolic of a relationship to you, they potentially aren't for my generation in the same way.

ArborealArdour · 29/10/2023 21:39

BlueMongoose · 29/10/2023 21:25

I'd ask them both for their 'side' of it.
And I do not agree that wills automatically 'ought' to be left equally to relatives. There is no reason whatsoever why anyone should leave a penny to anyone except where the law says they have to ( actual dependents, and spouses have some rights and there is no point ignoring them as you just get a contest for the will). We have relatives who can't be arsed to keep in touch despite our efforts. We're planning on altering our wills to cut them out whilst leaving those similarly related with money if we peg out before it all goes on care fees or whatever. Why leave your hard-earned money to someone you never see? And if we were not in touch with those relatives, I'd leave my money to friends and/or charities.

If we had kids, I'd only leave money equally if their needs and our relationships all round were the same. I'd expect a wealthier child to want a sibling in need to have more. I'm better off than my sibling, and said to my parents many years ago that though it was their choice, as they had asked about it, I thought a) their money was theirs, they earned it, and I hoped they would spend it on themselves, and b) if they did leave anything, to leave more to my sibling.

Show quote history

Random relatives aren't the same as your own children though. The former shouldn't expect to get a penny. The latter - probably, if there was anything to leave so much so that in some countries it's illegal to disinherit them, as you stated.
Of course there are many different situations. E.g. single parent, disabled with a disabled child as well vs multimillionaire. But it's not just about money, it's about the money being a signal for parental judgement and approval (or otherwise) of certain choices. Even if they did not intend it, comes across that way. For example one sibling on minimum wage by choice, the other earning more. Giving more to the former seems to be punishing the latter for doing better. It's not 'rational', it's about human emotion and childhood feelings etc run deep.

IMO unless there's a pressing reason for a big disparity it should all be equal. Unless of course you don't care about the relationships between your kids after you pass. At least, while nobody has a 'right' to know, discussing it while you're alive may alleviate hurt feelings instead of people assuming things when you're dead and voiceless.

Littlewhitecat · 29/10/2023 21:39

You can split your will however you like. If you want to end your life knowing you've made a bad relationship worse then by all means go for it. Funny thing to do if you claim to have a good relationship and no favour one over the other.

Silvers11 · 29/10/2023 21:53

@Tinwoodswoman - I get where you are coming from, but my advice, coming from experience is that you should leave them to it, not get involved and split your estate 50/50

My Sister and I haven't got on for years, which upset my late Mother no end - but the more she tried to get us to have the relationship MUM wanted us to have, the more barriers she actually, unmeaningly, put between the two of us

Final Straw was My Mother made me the sole Executor (I'm the eldest). Caused all kinds of grief between us as my Sister was absolutely furious, took what she wanted from the house without asking, so many other things she did I'm not going to bore you with here. For the moment, at least, there is no contact between us. If you want them to get on, please just leave your Estate to both your children equally - and get someone else to be the Executor

Iknowthis1 · 29/10/2023 21:59

If your estate is not divided equally between them you will ruin any chance of a future reconciliation between them, which I'm sure is the last thing you want. When you are gone they will be need each other.

SunRainStorm · 29/10/2023 22:02

I'm a lawyer and I can tell you that using your estate to punish people from the grave is a shitty and destructive thing to do.

It will be the lasting impression you leave behind of yourself, your parenting, your love (or lack there of) for your children. Who you presumably do love and have invested a lot in.

It will drive an even deeper and often permanent wedge between your children.

It could lead to a dispute that lasts years and costs the bulk of what you leave behind.

Don't do it.

Instead I'd suggest speaking to your children, saying you wish their relationship was better and then offer to pay for family counselling.

And don't discount whether you have something to learn from counselling and assume the issues all sit with your children.

lizzy8230 · 29/10/2023 22:08

@BlueMongoose saying 'nobody has a right to anything in a Will' is spectacularly missing the point.

You're correct that nobody (apart from where they have a right in law) should expect anything. If my parents decide to leave their estate to the local dogs home then that's their choice. A bizarre one maybe, but their choice. If, however, they decide to leave me the lion's share and my sister a pittance (or vice versa) then it would be extremely hurtful and divisive. In the first scenario, even if we didn't like it, we would be treated equitably. The second scenario would be making a judgement that basically, one child is being favoured over the other. Favouritism is a vile way to treat children while you're living, and the final insult to them when you're dead.

Goodornot · 29/10/2023 22:10

girljulian · 29/10/2023 21:37

You’re describing a person suffering from an obvious mental illness so I’m not at all surprised that your mother didn’t want to punish her further??

Show quote history

So does mental health issues mean one child should get clean away and not prevented from abusing their younger sibling?

Interesting. Some dreadful parenting here. Allow without punishment one child to literally beat the other and then not allow the abused child to be upset about it?

Thegiantofillinois · 29/10/2023 22:20

This will be my two. They're early teens at the minute, but they're so different they don't even fight. It's like the two opposite parts of my personality chose a child each. They only communicate with each other through me, at the dinner table. They don't even bicker. It's weird and also quite difficult to parent. We do way more as a family than my parents did, but they move around each other. I suspect they will have no relationship when they leave home.

SweeetFemaleAttitude · 29/10/2023 22:20

This sounds a bit like how my mum views me and my sister. I’ve been successful at work, married a successful man and had multiple children. I’ve worked hard and it’s not always been easy.

My sister is alone. She was the one to quit the relationships she had, things like ‘getting too serious’. She was t treated badly or without options, she chose her life and is happy. I find her tricky Tbf, it’s always not her fault whatever happens . Things apparently just fall in my lap, yet her hard work is never rewarded….

I was always the one growing up to look after everyone, then ended up going straight into caring for children. She’s been cared for by me and has a comfortable existence with less responsibility now. Mum still acts like we are 14 and 5, that I has the older one should still be facilitating and caring for my sister in the adult role. O me having children and a job to focus on in life, I’m meant to hold the role of caring for everyone.

Its draining.

btw I am successful enough in my own right that I’d happily not inherit if it meant that I’d be freed from having to entertain her forevermore

BackAgainstWall · 29/10/2023 22:22

Do you know why the older one is so harsh on the younger one?

No one, not even you, will be able to give a level and balanced view without knowing the background.

IncompleteSenten · 29/10/2023 22:32

Have you asked them why they treat their sibling so badly?

girljulian · 29/10/2023 22:33

Goodornot · 29/10/2023 22:10

So does mental health issues mean one child should get clean away and not prevented from abusing their younger sibling?

Interesting. Some dreadful parenting here. Allow without punishment one child to literally beat the other and then not allow the abused child to be upset about it?

Show quote history

That’s not what I said. You’re twisting the words of everyone who replies to you.

Tigger1895 · 29/10/2023 22:37

Can you tell us their age? I ask because I have 1 aged 29 and another 20 and they have nothing to do with each other. The 29 year old pisses me off sometimes because he makes no effort and the 20 yr old knows he never did throughout his life

BackAgainstWall · 29/10/2023 22:39

@SunRainStorm
An excellent insightful post.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 29/10/2023 22:41

Adults don't have to engage with other adults if they don't want. Leave your money to who you like but don't use it as a weapon against your own child. Imagine how much worse that's going to make things.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 29/10/2023 22:45

Katrinawaves · 29/10/2023 20:19

So the child who works hard, has three children and possibly a large mortgage on the “big house” she lives in, is a bit more disorganised about gift giving than her sibling who has a good salary and no other commitments on their time. Colour me surprised!

If your relationship with both children is good, I can’t understand why you would set out to do something which will cause your elder child such deep emotional pain at a time when they will already be grieving your death. It will certainly make them rethink the whole of their childhood and adult relationship with you though. If you want to be remembered in that way though by your own child and all of your grandchildren, knock yourself out.

You read her posts and concluded it's just a case of older siblings being disorganized???? Wow Dr Phil 😂

justanothermanicmonday1 · 29/10/2023 22:46

SunRainStorm · 29/10/2023 22:02

I'm a lawyer and I can tell you that using your estate to punish people from the grave is a shitty and destructive thing to do.

It will be the lasting impression you leave behind of yourself, your parenting, your love (or lack there of) for your children. Who you presumably do love and have invested a lot in.

It will drive an even deeper and often permanent wedge between your children.

It could lead to a dispute that lasts years and costs the bulk of what you leave behind.

Don't do it.

Instead I'd suggest speaking to your children, saying you wish their relationship was better and then offer to pay for family counselling.

And don't discount whether you have something to learn from counselling and assume the issues all sit with your children.

Well said.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 29/10/2023 22:47

SweeetFemaleAttitude · 29/10/2023 22:20

This sounds a bit like how my mum views me and my sister. I’ve been successful at work, married a successful man and had multiple children. I’ve worked hard and it’s not always been easy.

My sister is alone. She was the one to quit the relationships she had, things like ‘getting too serious’. She was t treated badly or without options, she chose her life and is happy. I find her tricky Tbf, it’s always not her fault whatever happens . Things apparently just fall in my lap, yet her hard work is never rewarded….

I was always the one growing up to look after everyone, then ended up going straight into caring for children. She’s been cared for by me and has a comfortable existence with less responsibility now. Mum still acts like we are 14 and 5, that I has the older one should still be facilitating and caring for my sister in the adult role. O me having children and a job to focus on in life, I’m meant to hold the role of caring for everyone.

Its draining.

btw I am successful enough in my own right that I’d happily not inherit if it meant that I’d be freed from having to entertain her forevermore

It's hard to say for sure without more details from OP but I don't think her concern is necessarily that one is successful and the other isn't as successful, it's more about how the older on treats the younger one. Now there may be reason for such treatment due to past history etc which we do not know but I think this situation is different from yours.

SmugglersHaunt · 29/10/2023 22:53

My other sibling hasn’t properly spoken to me for over 10 years. At my dad’s funeral he said: “we have to work together like colleagues in a work project till mum is dead, then I never want to see or speak to you again.” He’s caused so much misery. I despise him.

Sadly, as I know only too well, you can’t force someone to talk to someone they don’t want to. And I have no idea why. None of us do. It caused my dad so much anguish while he was alive, and causes misery still to my 80+ year old mum

RantyAnty · 29/10/2023 23:13

I'm sure that would help heal the rift.

Katrinawaves · 29/10/2023 23:19

Ilovelifeverymuch · 29/10/2023 22:45

You read her posts and concluded it's just a case of older siblings being disorganized???? Wow Dr Phil 😂

Show quote history

I’ve read both of OP’s posts and the only things she relies on to show the alleged harshness of the elder sibling is that the gifts are late and grudging (from which I infer they are either not lavish or not well chosen) and that there is little to no conversation between the two (which surely has to go both ways)

So my perspective on this is that the elder sibling has significantly more commitments and responsibilities in their life than the younger which could easily account for both. Don’t have to be Dr Phil to empathise with the older sibling, just a busy working mother!

steff13 · 29/10/2023 23:25

If you want to ensure that your older child resents both their sibling and you then definitely do this.