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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be heartbroken one DC completely blanks my other DC?

202 replies

Tinwoodswoman · 29/10/2023 18:12

I have two adult DC one has so much, ie big house on the coast, 3 kids, loving husband, plays golf etc, the other younger one, alone and hard working. Older DC treats younger DC like a stranger and with undeserved contempt most of the time. No conversation, grudging and late birthday and Christmas presents, almost as if they aren’t there. I am so sad about this. I am a young(ish) widow and am seriously considering leaving the bulk of my money to younger DC due to the mean attitude of older DC. AIBU?

OP posts:
PrinceHaz · 30/10/2023 19:30

Leave them to it, as they are adults. Siblings don’t have to get along.
Leaving more to one than the other might cause ramifications. If you’re sure your younger child is suffering loneliness and lower self esteem, you could treat them now. Take them on a nice holiday, maybe.

User68 · 30/10/2023 19:37

My sibling and I are not close. I love him and hope that we keep in touch once my parents are gone but we are completely different people and have very little in common. My mother has always been protective over him and worried about him (as she saw him as different.) He’s had exactly the same opportunities as me whilst growing up. We are both now financially fairly similar (but she still worries and it does annoy me to be honest!). Maybe chat to your eldest as there may be an issue you don’t know about that has caused the slight rift. I would split the inheritance 50/50 so as not to cause a permanent breakdown of their relationship.

icebearforpresident · 30/10/2023 19:41

My brother and I don’t speak. We’ve never had a big falling out, we just weren’t close as kids and that progressed as adults to the point where we live totally different lives and have zero contact. Both our parents are now dead but our being left different amounts in their wills wouldn’t have helped anything.

People ask me all the time how he is doing and I tell them the same thing - I don’t know. People expect us to be really close now both parents are gone (mum died 3 years ago) but quite frankly I don’t need a relationship with him and I’m getting fed up with the expectation that we should love each other dearly because we share some DNA.

Tryingmybestadhd · 30/10/2023 20:19

If you think the oldest needs less help then leave him less ? I would not completely leave him out but would probably do 70/30 . Fairness is not equality it’s equity at the end of the day .

Middleagedmeangirls · 30/10/2023 20:23

Sometimes siblings just don't get on. I'm not close to my siblings. We just have nothing in common. No big rows, we just have very different lives, values and interests and have nothing to say to each other.

I know this upsets my mum and she often tried to manipulate us into talking to each other. It didn't work because we learned to ignore her tactics. It's incredibly hypocritical because she detests all her sisters, living and dead. She never has a good word to say about any of them and hasn't spoken to the surviving ones for years.

My siblings barely talk to my mum now. I'm the one that lives locally and handles her affairs and visits her. Despite all that her will divides her money equally between the three of us - which is as it should be. Parents shouldn't play favourites.

WeeDove · 30/10/2023 20:24

I'd leave them 50% each. If you don't split it equally then that'll be another issue for them to get past

SummerDawn2000 · 30/10/2023 20:25

My dad has two siblings.

himself and eldest brother got 30:30while youngest sister got 40 because she is ‘alone’

this only divides siblings.

maybe it’s times you favoured your eldest a bit more and gave your youngest the respect they deserve by ending the pity and seeing them as an adult?

it’s equally as hard having kids, a house etc as being alone. Support both but maybe eldest needs to know you love her. Mother her a bit.

Brunts12 · 30/10/2023 20:26

Just because they are siblings doesn’t mean they are obligated to have good relationship. Hence, I’d treat them equally in the will. May I ask what’s their age gap?

WeeDove · 30/10/2023 20:27

Has the eldest ever shared her thoughts? My brother is the golden child and he tells our parents exactly what he thinks of me.

SpinningOutWaitinForYa · 30/10/2023 20:38

Christ. Please don't do that. They're your children. Split it evenly. Their relationship isn't for you to decide who is right/wrong about. To some extent it's actually none of your business. YOUR relationship with them matters though, and to not only have you die but to then have that kick in the teeth in the will would be awful.

Yalta · 30/10/2023 20:59

What is the age difference.
i have a sister who is much younger than me and we have never been close because of the age gap

leaving one out of your will, will make the older one justified in their response to their sibling

changeme4this · 30/10/2023 20:59

No do not make adjustments to your Will. They are both your children equally regardless of who has what asset wise.

you cannot force relationships between them and you may find when you depart, any contact they have now will cease altogether.

treat them as equals.

T1Dmama · 30/10/2023 21:09

Siblings don’t have to get on. But have you ever asked your older son what the issue with his sibling is? Perhaps something has happened you’re unaware of?
I don’t speak to one of my siblings, have no interest.. He’s caused me lots of heartache though, we haven’t spoken for almost 10 years and I’ve no relationship with his children. He’s recently tried to reconnect and I’m not interested… my mum feels like you and wants us all to get on … but I don’t need the drama… maybe somethings happened between your sons and you just need to except that they’re never going to get on

ScarlettSunset · 30/10/2023 21:34

I don't get on with my sibling at all. They are older than me and for years I longed for that close sibling relationship but a few years ago I realised I was never going to get it.
I've not exactly made my peace with it, but I've kind of accepted that's how it is and have now just stopped trying which has the inevitable consequence that we just have nothing to do with each other now I'm not doing all the running.

If my parents had left us unequal amounts though, with more to me, I'd have felt dreadfully guilty and it would have driven even more of a wedge than there already is.

MrsAllsorts · 30/10/2023 21:35

Problem is, you cannot know how things will turn out. Your older DC may divorce and be left struggling or go through illness. Your younger DC may marry a wealthy person, or come into other good fortune. Does younger DC live with you?

You haven’t asked, yet you want to leave everything to the younger due to what you interpret as the mean attitude in the older, in other words, punish them. Why do you automatically judge the elder one?

Maybe there’s a good reason for the grudging and late presents, but also does your elder DC receive on time, nice presents from their sibling?

If they have a poor relationship now it will be a lot worse when you pass away if you do that to them.

Ejismyf · 30/10/2023 21:47

As a mother I can't possibly imagine ever leaving more in my will to one child just because of this. Siblings don't have to get on, it's not mandatory. It's not the eldest ones fault the younger ones lonely or doesn't have as much of a happy home life as them, they don't owe them anything.

Britneyfan · 30/10/2023 21:48

I don’t think you should leave an uneven split in your will because of this. It’s only going to make things worse between them. Any uneven split (which is a controversial thing to do at all) should be based on financial needs rather than one being “mean” in my opinion.

A better option might be to give some financial help now while you are alive to the youngest if needed (eg to get on/move up on the housing ladder) to hopefully avoid inheritance tax and make things look more equal. And encourage them in mending their relationship now if possible.

I always read these fictional novels where someone dies and in their will they are forced to do some madcap trip with the relative they hate or something by someone interfering beyond the grave or they don’t get their inheritance! I have no idea whether in reality it would be possible but I’d be so tempted!

Mirabai · 30/10/2023 22:07

Have you ever asked the older one why she treats her younger sister with such contempt? Or asked the younger why she thinks the older behaves like this and how she feels about it?

Some older siblings can’t forgive the younger one for coming along and taking attention away from them, and the resentment never dies. Some personalities are better suited to being an only child and see their sibling as competition rather than an ally from the start. And some people are just bullies.

Mirabai · 30/10/2023 22:09

I don’t think you should leave an uneven split in your will because of this. It’s only going to make things worse between them.

How could it be worse? The only thing ‘worse’ would be NC and tbh I think the younger one might be better off in that scenario.

By the sound of it once OP pops her clogs they probably won’t communicate any more anyway.

saythatagaintome · 30/10/2023 22:10

Can someone explain to me why the living hell one needs to “have something in common” with another human being, in order to be civil and kind to them?????

what you have in common is shared experiences having grown up together. Your parents, blood. Jesus Christ.

Katrinawaves · 30/10/2023 22:14

@Mirabai You’ve lead a very sheltered life if you think the worst that could happen would be the siblings go no contact.

I’ve known estranged siblings to be at all out war with each other. A friend of mine was falsely reported to social services twice by a sibling for child neglect. Some siblings come to blows and cause each other physical harm. And the other possibility is a long drawn out court battle challenging the will resulting in most of the inheritance being spent on legal fees and the siblings tearing chunks out of each other in the litigation in the full glare of the media.

Mirabai · 30/10/2023 22:32

@Katrinawaves Yeah I’ve lived a really sheltered life (fuck off).

Notwithstanding the lowlives you hang out with, you can’t contest a will just because you don’t like it. There are key legal grounds. Civil cases are not covered by the media unless the litigants are famous or rich or the case is in some way remarkable.

Falzarega · 30/10/2023 22:38

Google cognitive dissonance. If someone with lots of wealth/advantages is forced into regular proximity with someone who doesn’t have any of that, the wealthier person will automatically try to avoid feeling awkward/guilty by convincing themselves that they are superior in some way, that they deserve what they have because they worked harder or cleverer or whatever. This can lead them to despise those they now see as beneath them. Sad to see it in siblings.

As to your will - only you can decide, but treating siblings differently is a big deal and will change their relationship even more (possibly even cause older sibling to contest the will and cause younger sibling legal hassles while grieving). Be very sure you want to risk that.

SylvieB74 · 30/10/2023 22:45

I would definitely leave more to the one on their own than the other one. They probably need it more by the sound of it, it’s maybe not normally a good idea because it would cause bad feeling between them but it’s not going to make a lot of difference.

Sockmate123 · 30/10/2023 22:56

There's not enough info in this post....sounds like older DC has a nice life but I'm sure she has also worked hard for it in some way at least.
This situation sounds a bit like me and my sister. I'm older and on paper probably more 'successful'. I dont blank her but after years and years of trying to nurture a relationship with her it was clear she just wasn't interested. I would invite her to meet for coffee, lunches, over to my house etc but she rarely would. She is a very secretive person so I just decided about a year ago to just leave her at it and I'm feeling the better for it.
There could be a similar situation at play here, maybe they have tried and it's just not worked out. Unfairly dividing the will would only make things worse I think.

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