To be heartbroken one DC completely blanks my other DC?

[Tinwoodswoman]

I have two adult DC one has so much, ie big house on the coast, 3 kids, loving husband, plays golf etc, the other younger one, alone and hard working. Older DC treats younger DC like a stranger and with undeserved contempt most of the time. No conversation, grudging and late birthday and Christmas presents, almost as if they aren’t there. I am so sad about this. I am a young(ish) widow and am seriously considering leaving the bulk of my money to younger DC due to the mean attitude of older DC. AIBU?

YABVVU solely based on your OP. First off - if there's no conversation how are they supposed to treat the other with contempt?
Also what's a 'grudging' Christmas + birthday present?

It looks like you favour the younger sibling if even this is enough to make you consider cutting them off in your will. They have hardly abused, lied to, or stolen from their sibling. They've just grown apart.

Does the younger sibling put in lots of effort?

Lots of siblings don't get on/are not close, for many reasons. You can't force people to like each other.
I have no relationship with my eldest sibling, and haven't had for 50 years. We are polite to each other but nothing more. My mother always blamed me for the fact we fell out. She blamed me for everything that ever went wrong actually, even if I was nowhere near the drama at the time.
She didn't favour anyone when she wrote her will though, it was an equal split between us all x

Could you help your younger child out now? There's no reason for the older child to know about it.

@Tinwoodswoman
do we know why or what the full context is between the two ?

But she hasn't said that they need help? She only wants to punish the older child for their 'mean attitude'. Not because they don't need the money.

OP also comes across as a tad judgy and materialistic. The younger child may not have all the trappings but be happy with their life. What's wrong with being single?

Hmm, I am the older sibling in this situation. I act the same towards my younger brother because in private he is absolutely vile towards me, my husband and my children. I always ensure his child has birthday and Christmas presents on time though. My mother blames me and constantly asks me to make more of an effort with my brother but she has no idea of how he is towards me and my family. When we are all together with my mother he is like an absolutely different person and the second my mothers back is turned he behaves abhorrently. If she knew it would break her heart so I haven’t told her. I would rather her blame me than be told how her child actually behaves. Things are not always as they seem.

You can't push siblings together. If you favour one over the other. That won't help their relationship.

Can you instigate a monthly meet up just the three if you? Dinner, lunch or a trip to the theatre or something. Perhaps they have drifted apart rather than fallen out... Maybe a bit more contact might help them rebuild their relationship?

There's likely to be a reason. You just don't know what it is. You can do what you choose with your money, but leaving it unequally is likely to be perceived as unfair and won't do anything for the sibling relationship.

Sounds similar to me and my sibling. We were very close growing up but we aren’t now, I probably see them once or twice a year. It’s not that I don’t love them it’s just we are very different people and we lead our own separate lives.

Do you think leaving everything to one and not sharing with both your children will do anything to heal their relationship? Obviously this will make it 10x worse.

Unfortunately I think that this happens more often than we realise. I am an only child and also assumed that siblings would support one another into adulthood.

My dp is one of three - we haven't seen one of them for over 10 years and barely hear from him. There is very little contact with the other sibling, other than apt he odd phone call message. We haven't seen him since before lockdown and only pick up on any significant events in his life via social media. When I've discussed this with different people, I have come across quite a number of similar cases. The odd thing is when we have been together, we all get on really well and there have never been any arguments.

I had two younger half siblings. My mother and I did not have the best of relationships, and she favoured them over me, it was a bit obvious. I don't see my half siblings now, we are different people with different ideas and lives, but haven't fallen out. We are distant but send Christmas and birthday cards out of respect for each other and the mother we shared who would want us to.

My mother divided up all her assets into 3 equally when she died. She didn't have to but she did and I loved and respected her so much for being so fair and thoughtful.

By favouring one child over the other you could make a poor situation [which you probably don't know enough about] even worse. Think a bit more about it.

Excellent advice.

It does sound like you favour your youngest, do you get your oldest to send him/her a birthday present? As they're not close at all I don't know why they bother with gift exchange.

I think you need to accept that they're not close, don't let the eldest bad mouth the youngest to you, but don't try to make happy families happen. As others have said, you don't know what's behind their poor relationship.

Punishing your eldest from beyond the grave for not being a nice sister is not going to improve their relationship.

I think that that would be a horrible thing to do.

Can you not just accept that they don't get on?

There is still time for their relationship to improve. If you leave more to the younger one though all chance of any improvement will be gone.

I'm the same with my sister,we're just very different people.

my two sisters dont get on nothing nasty they just clash-i dont see what its got to do with how much you leave them

I'm the same with my sister,we're just very different people.

That you sis?😂

Absolutely this, it reads like younger dc is your favourite, you don't hide it and the fact you plan to cut out older dc from your will because they don't interact with their sibling how you think is odd.

Both DC are the same sex. I have a good relationship with both and love them dearly. I certainly don’t have a favourite. Both work hard and are comfortable for money but younger is very alone. I accept they are different and don’t have the same lifestyles and understand if they don’t want to be close friends as well as siblings but would like older DC to to be kind instead of unfeeling and harsh.

Older DC treats younger DC like a stranger and with undeserved contempt most of the time. No conversation, grudging and late birthday and Christmas presents, almost as if they aren’t there. I am so sad about this.

are you observing this or is dc2 coming to you and complaining?

Nothing odd about that. They could just be very different people.
DH moans about his sibling but would stand by them come hell or high water if they needed it. They just don't have much in common - although they can still carry on a conversation about general topics like current events, TV, etc.

People also have different 'rhythms' of friendship personally I prefer seeing people in person. I hate long calls or texts. I keep in touch with 'distant' friends by commenting on their social media posts (and there's a short back and forth) but I won't have proper conversations with them. DH is similar.

I think if you left unequal amounts in your will it would do more damage to their relationship than if your left it at 50:50.
But that is just my opinion.
I have multiple siblings and only see and enjoy the company of 2 who also happen to be my sisters, the males are just very much cheeky chappie fronts with selfish and woe is me attitudes underneath that I don't have time for, my mother respects that and that has made our relationship run smoothly despite it.