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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be heartbroken one DC completely blanks my other DC?

202 replies

Tinwoodswoman · 29/10/2023 18:12

I have two adult DC one has so much, ie big house on the coast, 3 kids, loving husband, plays golf etc, the other younger one, alone and hard working. Older DC treats younger DC like a stranger and with undeserved contempt most of the time. No conversation, grudging and late birthday and Christmas presents, almost as if they aren’t there. I am so sad about this. I am a young(ish) widow and am seriously considering leaving the bulk of my money to younger DC due to the mean attitude of older DC. AIBU?

OP posts:
ArborealArdour · 29/10/2023 19:09

Tinwoodswoman · 29/10/2023 19:04

Both DC are the same sex. I have a good relationship with both and love them dearly. I certainly don’t have a favourite. Both work hard and are comfortable for money but younger is very alone. I accept they are different and don’t have the same lifestyles and understand if they don’t want to be close friends as well as siblings but would like older DC to to be kind instead of unfeeling and harsh.

You need to provide more detail.
Nothing you have posted marks them out as 'unfeeling and harsh'.
Also your younger being alone isn't a problem for their older sibling to solve.
If they have no friends then there might be a reason why.

minipie · 29/10/2023 19:11

Why is DC2 so alone? Does she not have friends?

If she doesn’t have many friends, is it possible she has quite poor social skills and DC1 finds her hard to get on with? And/or is it possible that DC2 has been overly clingy to DC1 (calling multiple times for lengthy chats etc) and DC1 got fed up with it?

lizzy8230 · 29/10/2023 19:12

It might be upsetting for you but you don't know all the whys and wherefores and you can't force adult siblings to behave how you want. You should focus on maintaining good relationships with each of them and certainly don't go down the road of punishing one by favouring the other in your will.

As an aside, my paternal grandmother apparently treated my father like this, leaving a small amount to my father and much larger share of her estate to his older brother. Her reasoning was that the older brother saw her more often and was more needy. Completely overlooking the fact that my father had moved 100 miles away to work hard in a professional career whereas his brother spent long periods on the dole, lived at home rent free for years and then moved a few streets away in his late thirties. It's a shitty thing to do, to treat children unequally like this, and it usually seems to come about for spurious reasons. You don't know the full picture. Maybe your younger child has said or done unpleasant things to the older one that you're not aware of. Keep your nose out and focus on your relationship with them.

WickedSerious · 29/10/2023 19:13

diddl · 29/10/2023 18:58

I'm the same with my sister,we're just very different people.

That you sis?😂

If I've been in touch since Christmas Eve,no.😃

Icantsleepagain · 29/10/2023 19:14

MargotBamborough · 29/10/2023 18:25

If you really want to ensure they don't get on, by all means favour one of them in your will.

Exactly this.

noctu · 29/10/2023 19:14

My husband and his brother don't speak, other than birthday and Christmas cards. They just don't really get on, and a lot of it stems from some significant incidents/arguments when they were younger.
Their mother tried to force them to be friends and it backfired significantly.
If their parents then wrote my husband out of their will due to this I would be fucking appalled!
Siblings are allowed to lead separate lives and have different, incompatible values!

Winterjoy · 29/10/2023 19:18

Do you have siblings OP? If so, how close were you with them once you were all adults with your own lives, jobs etc? Did you all live locally, see each other regularly, get together for special occasions etc?

user14699084664 · 29/10/2023 19:18

My DH and his 2 siblings have a very fractured relationship, it stems from their mother treating them differently and playing favourites…either 50/50 or spend it all on fancy holidays OP!

Antst · 29/10/2023 19:19

Yes, of course YABU. You raised them! You got a front-row seat to this problem and clearly did not address it when they were living in your house and you got to control everything they did. It is not fair to punish one of them for an unresolved problem.

As far as you're concerned, a problem has arisen and it's unfair that one isn't having much to do with the other. You must have some insight and interest into what's going on, but you display none in your post.

You should be focusing on figuring out how to help the person who's struggling and how to take the heat out of the situation, not punishing someone.

Mumof118 · 29/10/2023 19:20

I don’t understand what DC1 has done, that would warrant her being cut from your will?

I mean, that has to be one of the most hurtful thing a parent could do to a child. The last thing in the world they leave them with (or don’t in your case). To be excluded, forgotten, exiled, and the realisation that someone you loved may not have loved you.

And it sounds like you have a reasonably good relationship with that child. How confusing then to be punished, when she can’t even ask you why.

Even thinking of doing something like this, is unimaginable to me.

So what if DC1 doesn’t babysit DC2 and keep them company and pander to them because they’re “all alone”. As you pointed out DC1 has their own life, job, house etc…which are now their priority. Her/his sibling simply isn’t.

OswaldSpengler14 · 29/10/2023 19:20

Be honest. When you say that they “blank” their sibling do you actually mean “I think they should give them money but they don’t”?

bettyjacques · 29/10/2023 19:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

bozzabollix · 29/10/2023 19:21

The eldest is ‘unfeeling and harsh’. This could be written about me by my Mum, who is absolutely blind to the fact my sister is an emotional drain at times who has seriously broken some big boundaries with me. But she’s always been the poor victim of the family so gets away with it. Because I’m not putting up with it anymore I’m the arsehole of the family.

My parents don’t like the fact we aren’t close anymore but generally my life is all the calmer for it.

Don’t judge your eldest or punish them, you don’t know the relationship they have and naturally siblings aren’t going to put up with as much as parents. As a parent you won’t see things as they are, or you might want the status quo to remain the same for your well-being even if it doesn’t benefit your child.

Winterjoy · 29/10/2023 19:22

minipie · 29/10/2023 19:11

Why is DC2 so alone? Does she not have friends?

If she doesn’t have many friends, is it possible she has quite poor social skills and DC1 finds her hard to get on with? And/or is it possible that DC2 has been overly clingy to DC1 (calling multiple times for lengthy chats etc) and DC1 got fed up with it?

Or it could be that DC2 is generally a solitary person and both siblings are happy with the current pattern of contact.

Has DC2 actually mentioned this to be an issue OP?

bozzabollix · 29/10/2023 19:23

PS I think it’s obvious the youngest is your favourite from the OP.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 29/10/2023 19:23

Personally I think YABU to consider leaving bulk of money to one of your relationship with them both is good and both are well off. Do you suppose that would help their relationship after you passed or be an area of friction and sadness.

They're adults. They don’t have to get on.

What is it your oldest child does that it unkind. Do you have examples?

SurprisedWithAHorse · 29/10/2023 19:24

Why exactly are they doing it?

Lolaandbehold · 29/10/2023 19:24

Personally I find it unreasonable under most circumstances to split an estate unequally between children.
If you think they’re divided now, wait until you favour one child over another.

applepieandtea · 29/10/2023 19:27

I have 3 sisters and one brother.
I only speak to one sister and she only speaks to me shes a twin with the other sister.
We get on but we both just dont get on with the rest.
We just dont fit in with their lifestyles. ( this as been said to us)
So we keep a way.
One lives the high life one has the country life one still lives with mum.( mums pet)
Me and my other sister just felt like outcasts all the time because we dont own homes or have husbands or money falling from our backside.
we are middle children.
My mother turned so many blind eyes with what went on we just stayed away.
Been years now best thing we done was to stay away.

Mumof118 · 29/10/2023 19:29

I think if any parent is thinking about doing what you’ve suggested op, then you should tell your child now. So that they can disown you and write that toxicity out of their lives immediately and not wait until the parent dies to find out.

Will you still expect a relationship with your eldest into your golden years, knowing what you’ve suggested doing?

Bedazzling · 29/10/2023 19:31

I am one of 5 sisters. I adore one, the other two I really like and I despise one. The one I adore I would have chosen as a friend.

It is pity you are feeling, DH sister has always had this from her parents as she has never been in a successful relationship. Plus I echo what @minipie said and this is what’s up with my SIL.

lizzy8230 · 29/10/2023 19:39

@Tinwoodswoman it's transparent that you favour the younger sibling (or perhaps this is a reverse and you are the younger sibling and proposing what you would like your mother to do.
Either way, it's a shitty thing to think this way

Scottishskifun · 29/10/2023 19:42

If you go ahead with this plan then you will just drive that wedge even bigger!

Speak to your older one and find out where it comes from but tbh you can't force a relationship if it's not there it doesn't matter that they are siblings.

I don't get on with my brother at all, I probably speak to him once a year for more then 2 minutes and only speak to him every few months for a few minutes. I can't stand the way he behaves, what he thinks is acceptable or his attitude. We are 2 very different people who unless related wouldn't talk ever!

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 29/10/2023 19:43

lizzy8230 · 29/10/2023 19:39

@Tinwoodswoman it's transparent that you favour the younger sibling (or perhaps this is a reverse and you are the younger sibling and proposing what you would like your mother to do.
Either way, it's a shitty thing to think this way

Ah yes, a weird post but Is really from younger sibs view so is why elder is portrayed so randomly negatively!

helpfulperson · 29/10/2023 19:44

I'm not sure why society expects you to be close to siblings. I have no particular relationship with my brothers, I don't dislike them but I don't love them. We communicate as is required to support mum but when she passes I can't see that I'll have any reason to be in contact with them again.