To be heartbroken one DC completely blanks my other DC?

[Tinwoodswoman]

I have two adult DC one has so much, ie big house on the coast, 3 kids, loving husband, plays golf etc, the other younger one, alone and hard working. Older DC treats younger DC like a stranger and with undeserved contempt most of the time. No conversation, grudging and late birthday and Christmas presents, almost as if they aren’t there. I am so sad about this. I am a young(ish) widow and am seriously considering leaving the bulk of my money to younger DC due to the mean attitude of older DC. AIBU?

My siblings currently are NC/LC with me it’s awful and I’m upset nearly every day by it.

What is the age difference, how were they treated by both parents growing up etc, this effects everything later on.

The stately homes thread might be of help.

Why does your older DC treat their sibling so unkindly? Have you asked her?

What has the older daughter done that you think is unfeeling and harsh?

Omg, don't do this. Nothing worse than being badgered to patch up a rift by someone without all the information. And if you absolutely must do it, don't for god's sake invite them without telling them the other one is invited so they can make their own choice and not be ambushed. (Speaking from experience.)

but then it depends on if there is more context that explains the situation

So the child who works hard, has three children and possibly a large mortgage on the “big house” she lives in, is a bit more disorganised about gift giving than her sibling who has a good salary and no other commitments on their time. Colour me surprised!

If your relationship with both children is good, I can’t understand why you would set out to do something which will cause your elder child such deep emotional pain at a time when they will already be grieving your death. It will certainly make them rethink the whole of their childhood and adult relationship with you though. If you want to be remembered in that way though by your own child and all of your grandchildren, knock yourself out.

It's not older DC fault that younger DC is more alone!

I have this set up with my younger sibling. They are 'alone' and I have my family. We are different people and my mum, although sad that we don't get on, acknowledges that fact.

Can you confirm if you get DC makes an effort with older DC

Why do you say that?

Is the older sibling like this with buying presents for others? It might be they’re just busy and aren’t as well organised rather than a deliberate slight.

It’s hard to judge such a situation as we don’t know what they’d say. You may not know all the facts. I know things about my sibling that my parents don’t. Also they favour said sibling but probably don’t realise it.

Like others say if you want the relationship to get worse then give them unequal shares in your will. The older one will only be more resentful.

I am a young(ish) widow and am seriously considering leaving the bulk of my money to younger DC due to the mean attitude of older DC. AIBU?

Not for the mean attitude but you wouldn't be unreasonable to leave the bulk to the younger simply because they will have less social support when they are old.

The one with wealth a partner and children is likely to be well placed in future as they age (eg. if they as is becoming more likely they develop dementia) as they will have money/pension to provide for themselves plus a partner's pension and on death of partner death benefits plus odds are one of 3 children will be caring and offer support to their parent.

The one who is single will realistically need far more money to be able to provide appropriate care for themselves in their old age as they have no partner or children to fill in gaps in the early stages or act as power of attorney etc. They will lack a partner's pension or financial support of children.

So on that basis it is perfectly reasonable to offer more financial support to a single child.

I say this as someone currently acting as a carer for an aging relative - until you've seen it you have no idea how brutal the system is. To have any kind of standard of living or quality of life you need money for choice and options.

I had a younger sibling who was not very sociable. Tbf none of us are very sociable, but I'm the most sociable. I had a lot of expecting to give way/take them with me/put up with the poor deals simply because I was considered "lucky" because I was more sociable than them.

I resented it heavily, because actually the main reason why I fared better socially was because I put effort in to it-which wasn't always natural for me and certainly caused me a certain amount of stress to do it.
I could see the situation that my parents were lining me up to expect me to be their social contact in adulthood and expecting to have them round for regular meals, and involve them in my social circle in all events. I did not want to do this. As I said, I also find social situations difficult and adding someone who probably wouldn't want to be there and definitely find it more difficult than me would probably have finished me off.
I don't think they would have wanted it either-just my parents feeling that I ought to do it (and they ought to want it)

Thankfully my sibling grew up and now has their own social life.

I'm just wondering if this might be similar. The "poor" younger sibling who must be indulged because the older one has so much more. And the older one very carefully keeping their distance because they don't want to be pressured into including the younger one in all events.

My partner of 30+ years never sees or speaks to his younger sister, and she makes no effort with him, his Mother has tried over the years to get them to engage with each other
They're perfectly civil to each other when they are in a social setting but apart from that there's no birthday/christmas cards/phone calls etc
They got on well when they were younger and living at home but once they left home that was it
Some siblings aren't that close

No by that I mean there ought to have been more consequences and punishment for my sister calling me fat, ugly, punching me multiple times daily, getting other kids to laugh at me in school and bully me. She did this in to teenage years.

She had anorexia and never developed when I had periods normally. She used to pick the bathroom lock burst in and laugh at me changing my pad. She would then hold her nose and say my periods are stupid and smelly and that I stunk. I got severe hang ups about it and was embarrassed and hid them.

My mother did nothing about it and still minimises it now.

I can see that people like you have the hall marks of abusers yourself. Yes i wanted my mother to favour me for once and stop letting her precious first born get clean away with very serious abuse of me, both physical and emotional.

You sound like a nasty horrid person in saying a child deserved their abuse or that their attitide caused it @SouthShore. what the hell is wrong with you?

She never made sure I was safe in my own home and a bit of care now would make up for a life time of abuse and coming second fiddle to whatever drama my sister has caused in her own life next. She still dominates everyone with her histrionics and drama.

I think it is really clear that you favour the younger child.

Going to guess the oldest is aware.

Splitting inheritance like this is disgusting imo.

I don’t understand why you’d feel sorry for younger, just because they’re ‘alone’.

Perhaps they don’t want a relationship.

If they are younger then that will also play a part.

Honestly, I think you do favour the youngest, which is why the eldest doesn’t like them as much.

@MargaretThursday you describe very well the dynamic that can sometimes play out for various reasons. One sibling is perceived as less fortunate in some way or another and is therefore indulged and treated favourably to 'compensate.' The reality is often different. It's not necessarily that the sibling is less fortunate - they may have just made different choices, or not worked as hard at overcoming obstacles. Maybe the sibling perceived as 'luckier' has found life just as tough.

OP don't punish one child and reward the other. It rarely ends well.

OP - you need to ask your oldest child. And be prepared to listen to the answer - not defend your younger child, or tell your elder why their feelings are wrong - actually just listen.

Your youngest is alone, no friends or partner, is there an obvious reason for this? If your youngest isn’t very good at making or maintaining relationships, could they also not be very good with their sibling? Do you expect your eldest to provide a good relationship anyway?

Hmmm it's a tough one I think you're being a BU to do an uneven split until you've at least talked to your children and find out a little bit more about why they aren't talking. Also you have DGC will you be leaving them anything if you cut your elder DC out?

What if the elder DC has a legitimate reason to be LC with the younger and then gets substantially cut out of the inheritance. Or the inheritance disparity puts the nail in the coffin of any future reconciliation after you've gone? Bit of a mine field to go this way about it.

Surely as their only living parent you can try and find out what its all about and try to mediate a bit? Xx

Agree you really need to know what the background is. What if DC2 spent years winding DC1 up when they were kids?

I think doing that will make things worse.

I'd ask them both for their 'side' of it.
And I do not agree that wills automatically 'ought' to be left equally to relatives. There is no reason whatsoever why anyone should leave a penny to anyone except where the law says they have to ( actual dependents, and spouses have some rights and there is no point ignoring them as you just get a contest for the will). We have relatives who can't be arsed to keep in touch despite our efforts. We're planning on altering our wills to cut them out whilst leaving those similarly related with money if we peg out before it all goes on care fees or whatever. Why leave your hard-earned money to someone you never see? And if we were not in touch with those relatives, I'd leave my money to friends and/or charities.

If we had kids, I'd only leave money equally if their needs and our relationships all round were the same. I'd expect a wealthier child to want a sibling in need to have more. I'm better off than my sibling, and said to my parents many years ago that though it was their choice, as they had asked about it, I thought a) their money was theirs, they earned it, and I hoped they would spend it on themselves, and b) if they did leave anything, to leave more to my sibling.

I don't agree with any of that. There is no reason from the OP's posts to justify the first 2. And leaving different bequests is entirely up to the person whose money it is. Nobody has a 'right' to anything except what the law allows for.

So you want to create a further divide by giving more to younger DC when you pass?
If you have a lovely relationship with both this is an odd decision.
You can't force a friendship. As long as it's civil there's not much else you can do....

seriously considering leaving the bulk of my money to younger DC due to the mean attitude of older DC

This will definitely aid their relationship 👍🏻

It's not older DC fault that younger DC is more alone!

This. It reads a bit like DC2 doesn’t have things in their life that DC1 has, so you expect DC1 to fill the gap.