Why do you allow your boys to fight/roughhouse

[Pooooochi]

DS is 7. I've recently noticed after school, at parties etc that most of the parents of his classmates smile & allow boys to be always punching at each other, wrestling.

If you let your kids fight, why do you?

We've always been absolutely zero tolerance on this sort of aggressive behaviour so DS just doesn't do it at all now - to the extent other adults have commented.

However, it seems like socially it means his peers sometimes push him around, they know he wont fight back. I find this sad. Why don't want a world full of aggressive men who jump at a fight any chance they get, so why do we allow it in little boys

Mine used to play fight. Emphasis on the word "play". They were able to understand the difference between being aggressive and just play fighting. Actual aggression was not tolerated. They are well adjusted non-aggressive adult men now.

This, although I have both dds and dss.

From my pov, it is those who can't differentiate between rough, physical play and children throwing punches and actually fighting that I find strange. To me, it is akin to those posters on MN who don't seem to think that it is possible to have a glass or two of wine with a meal or go out for the evening without getting completely wrecked, as if everyone letting alcohol touch their lips is a drunk. Same here, enjoying an element of physical play, or wrestling doesn't make you an aggressive child.

It's fun for me because it make my children laugh and smile! Im sure I do look ridiculous fake throwing them on the floor and holding the them down whilst their sibling wrestles the ball out of their hands. They love it when I am silly!

I think allowing it perpetuates male privilege

I disagree. There is a fundamental difference between the average boy and averge girl.
The way they play and interact with people, their likes and dislikes when young is different.
Rough play between boys is just one of the obvious differences, nothing to do with male privilege.

Obviously, the exception makes the rule!

*can't you teach boundaries without letting people playfight.

I've always taught my children not to lay their hands on others. Why do they need to lay their hands on others to learn not hurt others?

I simply do not understand.

And no, before you say wild animals do it, humans are not wild animals.*

I let my children playfight and rough house because they enjoy ithe physical and sensory expression of it. They laugh and get great pleasure from it. Emphasis on the play.

Scientists and academics a lot cleverer than me have done the studies that show it teaches boundaries. Because you do not understand and are not drawn to that type of physicality yourself does not mean it doesn't exist or it is not positive.

Physicality and violence are two different things. Boundaries are very important.

@sunglassesonthetable it's behaviour I've observed first hand.

You're free to disagree of course, but I do wonder what your counter argument is.

We can all say "that's arse" but can we back it up with logical reasoning?

Do you disagree that society treats men and women differently? Do you disagree that most parents raise their children according to social norms, and we're currently following a patriarchal social hierarchy?

perhaps they think it's funny because I imagine a grown adult fighting looks ridiculous.

Of course they look ridiculous.

But tbh if you're not familiar with it you probably don't understand why a child would enjoy it.

Parents bond with their children in many different ways. Playfighting is one of them. If you really don’t understand, as you say, then Google is your friend. No one owes you an explanation as to why they chose to bond with their child in a way that is perfectly normal.

I have 4 children, 2 girls and twin boys. I literally couldn’t stop my twin boys from roughhousing. They are playfighting from the minute they wake up to the minute they go to sleep, unless they’re at school or in front of the TV. They’re like a litter of puppies, or lion cubs, rolling around together. I teach them to stop if one is getting annoyed and wade in if it’s turning from play fighting into actual fighting but otherwise, I mostly leave them to it. They have so much energy despite football twice a week, swimming, constantly out on bikes. My girls just weren’t like that. It’s exhausting.

My boy has never enjoyed roughhousing. The problem is that other boys assume others do and don’t know when to stop. Better to teach them that others don’t like it unless they say so.

We can all say "that's arse" but can we back it up with logical reasoning?

I don't let my children rough house because of the patriarchy no.

And you can shoehorn all those other questions into this discussion all you like, under the guise of logical reasoning.

But stating your personal observations as "facts" rather than just your personal observations makes them no more logical or factual than anyone else's opinion tbh.

No-one offers me an explanation... and yet here's a thread all about it here where people are commenting their points of view. And here you are reading the comments.

I think what I've mostly said is I find it totally baffling.

Lolasmiles - thank you... someone who has actually read my op and understands I'm talking about kids hitting and pushing, this isn't a bit of gentle physical play, its fighting. It regularly ends in tears.
I know exactly what you mean. It isn't about some imaginative play or some consensual physical play. It's the scrappy boys, pushing, hitting, charging into each other, tripping each other over, grappling each other in the playground, grabbing each other from behind, pulling to the floor etc whilst the parents go "awww boys eh?"

What's interesting is there was a thread reasonably recently about boys in a secondary school pulling "jokes"/physic pranks, where they were doing something physical to each other to cause them to fall. In the end someone got hurt, someone else didn't find the "banter" funny and a punch was thrown because someone got annoyed.
The general consensus was that pratting around like that and getting physical wasn't funny or "banter" and whilst the boy who punched shouldn't have reacted that way, it was right that the boys who instigated the whole situation were sanctioned for it. Unsurprisingly though, there were still people who thought it was unreasonable of the school to sanction the boys who instigated the whole thing because boys will be boys, it's just banter, the lad who punched needs to chill out and take a joke, haven't school got better things to do.

I don't think it takes a genius to see there's probably a link between people who promote aggressive, mindless hitting/pushing/pulling/fighting type play at a young age and those who dismiss it in older boys.

I think what I've mostly said is I find it totally baffling.

Takes all types, eh?

YANBU. I’m absolutely sick of lazy mums not bothering to bring up boys properly. For their girl children they’ll intervene to stop the biting/hair-pulling, and arrange playdates so that girls can develop social skills, but lazy mums don’t bother to raise their boys at all, just ignore bad behaviour and shove them in sports clubs for all the ‘freetime’. So the boys never learn proper social skills or to resolve arguments with words.

The world is full of crap men and the reason is crap parenting.

I’m a mum of sons and I know how wonderful they can grow up to be if they’re raised properly. But it’s hard work and few mums bother.

If I wouldn’t accept a behaviour from an adult, I don’t allow it for my child. Roughhousing is one of those things. If a grown man does it without consent it would be labeled as violence; why is it ok for a child to do it? There are a million other ways to release pent up energy.

Course there are no crap or lazy mothers of girls. They're too busy arranging play dates to socialise them or watching them like hawks so they behave beautifully.

Dear me.

I let my children playfight and rough house because they enjoy ithe physical and sensory expression of it. They laugh and get great pleasure from it. Emphasis on the play.

Scientists and academics a lot cleverer than me have done the studies that show it teaches boundaries. Because you do not understand and are not drawn to that type of physicality yourself does not mean it doesn't exist or it is not positive.

Physicality and violence are two different things. Boundaries are very important.

Excellent post by @sunglassesonthetable

If I wouldn’t accept a behaviour from an adult, I don’t allow it for my child. Roughhousing is one of those things. If a grown man does it without consent it would be labeled as violence; why is it ok for a child to do it? There are a million other ways to release pent up energy.

I only allow it with consent. If it's not with consent it's violence.

I think you've missed the point here.

I have 3 children, one boy and 2 girls. They all wrestle and roughhouse and play fight. It is part of their physical, social, emotional development and bonding. They use their bodies but also cushions, toys swords etc.

There is a huge difference between playfighting and aggressive bullying. I also don't think it's related to their sex as my girls do it as well as my boy.

I had no idea people didn't realise that it is normal and see it as a bad thing.

why would an adult want to playfight with a child? why is it fun for you?

Bloody hell.

It's part of normal childhood development.

Have we really become so sanitised and screen driven that we've forgotten this?

This.
Just because you personally find it baffling doesn’t make it wrong.
Surely the point of a discussion thread is to try to understand other people’s opinions and feelings. To see the grey areas in a topic.
Many people have explained why they allow their children to play fight and even given you scientific reasons as to why it’s actually beneficial but you are still baffled as you refuse to see the ‘grey’ in this discussion.

quite a few assumptions here... so are you suggesting it's a screen-filled childhood or playfighting and nothing else?

utter utter bollocks. I had very limited screentime as a child and did not playfight.

Urm whatever did I do?

I tell you what I did....physical play that did not entail pretending to fight...

so running around, climbing trees, making dens, park, cycling, roller skating, swimming

Same for my daughters plus all other non physical stuff too of course such as art, playing the piano, dressing up, playing with lego, playing with sylvanians...

or does that sound too sanitised for you?

The monitoring and contextual adjustment of actions influences the development of executive functions of the brain, which, in turn, leads to the development of more adaptable adults.

From "What is play fighting and what is it good for?"
link.springer.com/article/10.3758/s13420-017-0264-3

I genuinely was trying to see the grey and genuinely was amazed by the high number of posters saying they encourage it.

Not been satisfied in my curiosity either, people just say "it's normal"...

I haven't actually said it's wrong either, but I have responded in kind to a few posters I thought were being a bit salty with me.