Why do you allow your boys to fight/roughhouse

[Pooooochi]

DS is 7. I've recently noticed after school, at parties etc that most of the parents of his classmates smile & allow boys to be always punching at each other, wrestling.

If you let your kids fight, why do you?

We've always been absolutely zero tolerance on this sort of aggressive behaviour so DS just doesn't do it at all now - to the extent other adults have commented.

However, it seems like socially it means his peers sometimes push him around, they know he wont fight back. I find this sad. Why don't want a world full of aggressive men who jump at a fight any chance they get, so why do we allow it in little boys

There is a difference between play and fighting. As the only girl in a family of boys, I play wrestled with my three brothers all the time as a pre-teen. We didn’t punch, hit, bite, eye gouge, twist limbs or anything that would deliberately hurt each other. Tickling was even not allowed. There was mostly laughing and giggling. We’d roll around on the carpet wrestling each other until the winner pinned the loser down. It was a ton of fun and I learned a bunch of ways that actually came in useful in a self defence sort of way. Knowing how to break a hold and just elude a pervert trying to grapple you at a concert isn’t a bad skill.

Horrible to allow children to do thAt. No play fights allowed at school

My boys play fight and wrestle amongst themselves.
They are respectful, well mannered, are not bullies and are generally nice kids and well liked. Neither are aggressive.
Oldest stands up for his peers and hates bullies.
Neither would seek out a fight, but both know they would never be told off for defending themselves.

Me and my brother used to roughhouse constantly, and funnily enough, neither of us have turned out to be violent, aggressive reprobates! Although we do still occasionally mock karate chop each other, but it’s not as easy for me now given that he’s 6ft7 and around 20 stone!

I absolutely allow DS10 to roughhouse with me and DH, it helps him release pent up emotion and he is a huge sensory seeker so enjoys it from that perspective. He also plays rugby and all the boys roughhouse when they aren’t playing but they all know not to take it too far. My 2 DSD’s also roughhouse with each other a lot so it’s not just the realm of boys.

I really don’t see any harm in it, but we are clear on consent, stop means stop, no hitting, punching, or kicking, and only in an open space where no one is likely to get knocked into something.

Exactly this

Rough and tumble, same as his sisters, certainly- but I never allowed more than that and at 6'5' and playing rugby in the second row I don't think anyone would consider DS a wimp thanks AthenaPopodopolous

My son doesn’t at home, he has sisters though. When he was younger (primary) he used to do it with his mates all the time after school pickup in the playground while the parents chatted. My two nephews do it all the time. They are lovely kids. My brothers did it. I think it’s totally normal. I’d only consider it violent when there is violent intent. Baby animals do it in the wild! Mumsnet is a trip, sometimes. 😂

My boys often had a bout of playfighting when they returned from school. The eldest (and biggest) was a very gentle boy and was usually at the bottom of a pile of brothers. No one was hurt and there was a lot of laughing going on. All adults now do a lot of verbal sparring but generally very good friends.

Play fighting is a normal part of childhood. My brother and I used to love a good play fight together and with my dad. My own children play fought with one another and with their dad. I am guessing that what I call play fighting is what others are calling rough housing. No punching or kicking involved. That crosses a line. We’re all adults now, no one is violent.

@AutumnBonfires surely that is so they learn to survive in nature

This thread shows why - it’s seen a natural
and desirable for boys.

Not for girls, though some parents allow it. I suspect it’s more about toleration for girls, rather than the encouragement that boys get. And some parents will not allow girls to do it as it’s seen as being for boys.

Absolute nonsense.

Interesting that in most cases there is a male involved, including a dad. If a totally female house would this be happening, encouraged?

Also interesting that one poster said it had to happen otherwise a boy would end up being a wimp, so being violent (even if only in play) is necessary to be a man. Isn’t that going down the route of Andrew Tate.

Safeguarding guidance now specifically discourages behaviour that falls within ‘boys will be boys’

Wee boys love to chase, tig and roughhouse. It’s just part of who they are.Your kids been turned into a wimp by you and will be an easy target for bullies now.You need to get a grip!

Correction.
Chase and Tig are not the same as roughousing or the sort of play the OP mentioned.

Some boys enjoy physical play.

Some boys don't enjoy physical play.

Some boys have parents who believe boys with different play preferences are wimps and probably are the same parents who teach their boys that it's acceptable to bully boys who play differently and have different boundaries.

Some parents also downplay more problematic hitting, kicking and pushing as roughousing and then dismiss it as 'boys will be boys'.

Mine do it because they enjoy it. They are very close and have a lot of fun. They are teens and have no problems with others, and of course would not do it with anyone else.

I don't see the problem at all.

Ahh the 1950s are back.

Same.

We don't allow aggression, but play fighting, rough housing and wrestling are fine.

We do lots of work on consent, ensuring their wrestling partner is happy with it. Stop, no or any other sound/ word is a signal to stop and check in with them before either completely stopping or carrying on (depending on the response).

And it's not just my son. My daughter has the same rules. She's more likely to get aggressive than my son is though, so I keep a very close eye on her.

I was going to day my male cousin is 2 years older than me, his sister a year younger than me and she and I used to fight him, until we grew out of it. 4pm every Saturday we sat down to watch the itv wrestling, by quarter past the chairs were pushed back.
I don't remember it ever ending it tears (even when he through me upside down through a glass cocktail cabinet...which I did raise in my best man speech at his wedding!)
Boys need to burn off energy and learn to control aggression, learn their own strength and that my female cousin will always be able to kick my butt.

It’s fine as long as there no real aggression behind it. It’s all about allowing and developing boys to be boys

I allow it because I don't have an issue with it.

They enjoy it, I can't see the harm if all parties involved are happy to do so. Sure, there might be some natural consequences but I'm in favour of them learning this way.

My boys and girl love play fighting, wrestling and throwing themselves about. I do say not with people outside the family unless they start it though.

DD loves play fighting with her dad! She’s very physical and sensory seeking so it’s great fun for her. I want her to feel confident physically because I think too often girls are taught to be more cautious than boys from a young age.

”A 2020 University of Cambridge studysuggests that children who engage in rowdy activities with their fathers are better able to control their emotions and less likely to have behavioral problems. The researchers hypothesize that roughhousing with a parent acts as a training ground for managing conflicts.”

https://www.washingtonpost.com/parenting/2021/12/27/roughhousing-benefits-kids/

Blame Plato. Plato wasn’t even his real name, that is his wrestling champion of Athens name.

My boys have been playfighting since they could walk. Same as me and my brother. Rules are no hitting, punching, kicking, scratching or deliberately hurting the other.

There are rarely any tears and they are almost always the result of accidentally falling against something rather than one boy hurting the other iyswim.

Mine have never ever done it at school. I was surprised when my DB said my boys couldn't playfight with their cousin cos "he's not allowed at school". I said neither are mine but they know perfectly well what behaviour is acceptable and appropriate in different settings.

They also both did judo so know very well how to control their strength.

I'm not sure which camp I fall into tbh.

I grew up with a spiteful older brother who punch, hit, pull hair etc and was a nasty bully the majority of my childhood.

When I found out I was pregnant with a boy it really worried me that I would end up with a bully for a son too. As a result I've never allowed my children to be unkind to each other in anyway, physically or emotionally.

But... They love to sometimes roll around, jump on each other's backs etc. But they absolutely are not allowed to hurt eachother and if one person says stop, then game over.

I've never really seen DS play this way with his friends, but they might occasionally bundle eachother or whatever. It's a normal part of children's play and a way of testing boundaries.

My children know how to behave and how to treat others, so I can let them play like this in a safe way. When we come across other children who 'play' with the intention to hurt, I quickly point this out to them and would advise that that person is not a good friend.

I think kids who roughhouse know when to stop. The boys who have hurt my kids were both boys who weren't allowed to do it and when playing football in a crowd one lost it, lashed out and really hurt one of mine. Other occasion was boys playing at being knights, plastic swords and no one actually touched each other. The boy who wasn't allowed any play fighting or roughhousing picked up a piece of wood and split my sons head open. It was so fast his mother and I saw it but couldn't intervene quickly enough. She blamed the other boys for being violent when they hadn't done anything.