Why do you allow your boys to fight/roughhouse

[Pooooochi]

DS is 7. I've recently noticed after school, at parties etc that most of the parents of his classmates smile & allow boys to be always punching at each other, wrestling.

If you let your kids fight, why do you?

We've always been absolutely zero tolerance on this sort of aggressive behaviour so DS just doesn't do it at all now - to the extent other adults have commented.

However, it seems like socially it means his peers sometimes push him around, they know he wont fight back. I find this sad. Why don't want a world full of aggressive men who jump at a fight any chance they get, so why do we allow it in little boys

I'm a girl and I would playfight/roughhouse/wrestle whatever with my younger brother, it was fun. Difference is, that didn't continue in to school since the culture for that kind of thing isn't as present among young girls I suppose.

My daughter is nearly 8 and she enjoys playfighting/wrestling with me, too. I don't see her do it to other children though as of yet.

But this is kids grabbing other kids with two arms round the shoulders and tackling them to the ground, holding them so they are immobilised, lots of pushing and punching. Its aggressive and SO unnecessary, it regularly flips from "funny" (apparently) to a child looking angry and tearful.

Nope, would step in there and ban any of that.

That's not play fighting/ rough housing or rough play.

As soon as someone seems to be upset it gets stopped and a debrief to point out why and why it wasn't acceptable.

I'm talking about kids hitting and pushing, this isn't a bit of gentle physical play, its fighting. It regularly ends in tears.

I don't think you will get many people disagreeing that it's unreasonable to sit and watch while 7yos beat eachother to the point of tears. I wouldn't describe a full on fight as 'roughhousing'.

Honestly ive seen 8 different sets of parents in my DS class watch their boys fight, hitting etc, smiling and laughing and making zero effort to stop them.

For those saying rough and tumble is good for managing conflict, how well is that going in society at the moment?

@Pooooochi try and stop it, if you have 2+ DC that wanna play fight.

Problem is, if your DC is not learning these rules of conduct, you might set them up for a hard time at secondary school.

@Waitingfortheconferencehosttojoin you may well disagree, and say that you raised your children to be gender neutral, but your experience does not mean my own observations are wrong.

It's really very very common for preteen boys not to like girls, and it starts so young.

There's plenty of videos of preschool children wailing when discovering there's a girl in Mummy's tummy and not the brother they were hoping for.

So, why do young boys dislike girls? Where does the idea that girls are lesser come from?
Being told you're "acting like a girl" is not and has never been a compliment.

You don't need to tell me about your children to let me know where you think this misogyny stems from. Because I'm not imagining it. I'm sure you've witnessed it yourself, even in something as simple as "girls can't play"!

Mine loved a good wrestle. Three boys. I used to send them out to the garden. The trampoline was perfect for a roll around. Not really rough though. I think some boys just need the physicalness. And if you’ve three boys close in age, good luck in stopping them. My rule was OUTSIDE! They were generally calmer outside too. They’re not remotely violent now but do enjoy sports and rugby.

Weird then, @2pence that all three of my sons have had best friends who were girls at one time or another. Of course there are boys who are raised to dislike girls, but it is not synonymous with them being allowed to engage in healthy physical play 🤦🏻‍♀️

Honestly, DC grow out of it. It's a development stage.

I think the ones who would like to behave in a rough & tumble way but are never allowed to embrace tis as younger children are far more dangerous to the wider society.

Because they will one day try to do what was discouraged/ forbidden. Exept they will be 14... 16... 17... not 6 or 7 years old.

And they were raised to be gender neutral 🙄 I just didn’t force stereotypes on them.

Young girls also dislike boys.

Ive got one of each so I’m not bashing either. But it’s certainly not a case of boys just disliking girls.

@Waitingfortheconferencehosttojoin that example actually confirms my experience because you raised them gender neutral. So yes, they didn't view girls as lesser because they were raised with a feminist mindset.

Plenty don't though. Plenty are pleased that their boys are acting like 'real men' and actively encourage the rough housing.

There's a poster on here telling the OP that trying to stop it will turn her child into a wimp if you need an example.

I would take him to karate or some other martial art. I think he would excel at it and he would be able to defend himself.

I used to play fight with my son! It was funny and ended in tickling more often than not.

He was never a natural ‘rough and tumble’ type of boy but I always felt he needed something like that (and I couldn’t give him a brother!) That’s why rugby was so good for him. It taught him to take physical knocks without getting emotional or aggressive about it. So I do believe brothers and young lads get a benefit out of roughhousing - it’s a way of bonding and testing physical limits with other males in a ‘safe’ way.

He is a young man now but he’s a very loving and caring person - he’s a gentleman to his girlfriend, looks out for his grandparents and is very huggy with me and his dad.

It’s not all thugs vs wimps!

Again with people saying it’s fine because they need to be able to cope in Secondary school, isn’t that the same argument for guns in America, ‘I need a gun because everyone else has a gun’. So you need to be able to fight because there will be fighting at school. You will be seen as a wimp, instead you need to be seen as a man.
Your boy may not grow up to be violent or aggressive but will be brought up to see that it is more acceptable in a male (see posts where sisters are involved only up to a certain age) and probably not seen as acceptable if they wrestle the girl next door.

How do only children cope if they don’t have a sibling to wrestle with?

Rough housing can morph into boys will be boys, banter and then initiation ceremonies in things like rugby clubs, stupid, reckless behaviour on stag dos and misogynist behaviour. So no your boys might not grow up to be violent but see behaviour in clubs, stag dos etc as acceptable.

@SamAndEIIa that's true. The dislike goes both ways because society raises boys and girls differently.

As an example, @Waitingfortheconferencehosttojoin raised her sons to be gender neutral so they didn't have the dislike of the other sex that the blue/pink divide method brings.

But @2pence this is a thread about play-fighting and I said it’s not synonymous with a boys will be boys attitude. Because it’s not. I did not say the does not patriarchy exists, nor that boys can be raised in a toxic environment. That would be patently false.

I think it's perfectly natural to 'play-fight' and wrestle for some boys, and some girls. It allows them to explore their own strength within a safe context.

Kids who are allowed to do this don't show any increased tendency to be aggressive as adults. So what is the problem?

My boys have always rough housed. And wrestled and chased and play fought. Emphasis on PLAY. Occasionally with their DD which they adored.

Very different from actual fighting which is an act of aggression and violence.

Someone I know called it 'bundling' .

No never allowed my boys to do it. Both my boys were very different, one very sporty / boys boy and the other hated sport and much more feminine in likes (I guess what people would deem more feminine interests and what kids of my generation would call gay for liking things he did - and he is actually gay, but plenty of men with similar interests are not). I don’t think boys have to fight / play rough because they are boys and need to get it out of their systems etc. Hate that school of thought

@Waitingfortheconferencehosttojoin I don't think we're at odds here and this is just a case of semantics.

The OP asks "Why do parents allow it?" The answer is because of the patriarchy.

In fact, some go further than allowing the behaviour and actively encourage it because they want their boy to be rough and tough, slugs and snail stuff.

Do you live in a really rough area? I've never witnessed boys hitting/punching each other and parents ignoring it. I've never actually witnessed much hitting and no punching at all! I do let my kids wrestle each other but they aren't allowed to hurt each other. I have girls and a boy fwiw.

It's a very physical thing to do and I think it allows children ( make or female ) to express that physical, sensory , energetic side of themselves .

Ironically teaches boundaries and restraint rather than the opposite, such as violence.

There's a lot of po face on here. Let kids be kids fgs.