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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 29/10/2023 02:08

I can't see why he shouldn't go?

Yes, it'll be a hard few days but he needs a break?

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 02:10

Why are the we the ones to judge what he will find reasonable or unreasonable? How come you're not speaking to him rather than us?

JustMarriedBecca · 29/10/2023 02:12

Let him go. It's important to maintain your own independence as a parent. Yes it'll be a bit hard for a few days but you'll manage. Lower your standards for a few days, throw in a chicken nugget if necessary, you'll be grand.

He'll owe you a trip away with you too.

I wish I'd done more of this. That we both had.

assignedmeowth · 29/10/2023 02:13

I think you're being unreasonable to be honest.

LemonTreeSkies · 29/10/2023 02:13

You’ll be fine. DH went overseas to work for 3 weeks leaving me with a 5 year load and a 6 week old. I was loading the tumble dryer crying my eyes out saying “I.can’t.do.this” with every item I chucked in the dryer 😂
I coped, and you will too. You’ve got this.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 29/10/2023 02:22

Sorry, but your baby is 11 months old, not 11 days old.

If you genuinely can't cope for a few days on your own, you need to start looking at why that is and seriously address it.

I wouldn't even consider asking him not to go or 'raise it' ... unless you can't afford it financially or you have a drip feed coming telling us he's out all the time leaving you to sort everything while you never get time to yourself.

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 02:24

LemonTreeSkies · 29/10/2023 02:13

You’ll be fine. DH went overseas to work for 3 weeks leaving me with a 5 year load and a 6 week old. I was loading the tumble dryer crying my eyes out saying “I.can’t.do.this” with every item I chucked in the dryer 😂
I coped, and you will too. You’ve got this.

Life goals.

Quitelikeacatslife · 29/10/2023 02:27

So he normally looks after baby and you'll need to take annual leave to cover this? If so that's a bit tough, unless you make a break of it and go somewhere with baby , maybe to stay with family?
If that's not the case, snd just that it's hard for you, then I'm sure you'll cope just fine. It is important to keep doing things for yourself as parents (book a trip for you and your friends)

BrutusMcDogface · 29/10/2023 02:28

Of course you’re being unreasonable. One 11 month old baby?

MaryShelley1818 · 29/10/2023 02:30

Your baby is almost a toddler. It's really worrying you don't feel you can be on your own without help with one child for just 3 nights.
YABVU.

KnowledgeableMomma · 29/10/2023 02:35

11 months old?? If you can't be alone with your almost one-year-old at this point, it's past time to learn. YABU.

Appleblum · 29/10/2023 02:36

You can't cope on your own for 4 days?

Safxxx · 29/10/2023 02:45

I think you need to do this to see your own strength. Stop overthinking it and go with the flow..I bet you things will be fine and your worrying for no reason. I guess you got too used to him being around and have relied on him more...but soon he will be going back to work and it's all on you..so get used to it now. 6 mths paternity leave is a long time and seems like his been very supportive ❤️ so let him have a break.. maybe next time you can have your own little break.

Islandermummy · 29/10/2023 02:52

I'd be more annoyed about using up my precious annual leave so he can go on a stag do.

Presumably your baby will go to nursery soon (if your husband's pat leave is nearly finished): any chance you can put her in nursery - maybe try a morning or two in the run-up to your husband's trip so she's used to it? That will make it a lot easier and you wouldn't have to miss work.

If he does go, you can get him to help out in the run-up (eg do a grocery shop if necessary), and I reckon he also owes you one!

You will be able to cope. I know it might feel daunting if you haven't done it before but you can definitely manage, especially with a bit of organisation on meal prep etc if necessary

AngelAurora · 29/10/2023 02:58

Let him go for goodness sake, why are you struggling to look after your own baby? Have you spoken to your GP?

You should not be needing help tbh for one weekend. Come on OP YABU.

soxthecat22 · 29/10/2023 03:04

11 months old is pretty much toddler, not baby. I think you need to put your big girl knickers on here.

LemonTreeSkies · 29/10/2023 03:04

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 02:24

Life goals.

Show quote history

im not getting your meaning

Bournetilly · 29/10/2023 03:27

You should be able to look after your 11 month old on your own for a few days and if you really don’t think you can you need to look at why/ sort it out.

VintageTuppence · 29/10/2023 03:43

It’s really interesting reading your dilemma as the female parent. More often it’s the male parent this is a problem for.
No judgement, just that it’s been interesting reading the expectation that as a mother you should be able to look after your child alone for several days especially considering your husband may (?) have been the main caregiver while on paternity leave.

I do think he should get his few days away and I’m sure you will be fine.

Daisydoo99 · 29/10/2023 04:00

I’d maybe ask yourself are you truthfully anxious due to 3 nights alone or are you deep down anxious that it’s a stag do? Our confidence can be low after a baby and maybe this is more about anxiety around the stag do situation. If it makes you feel better, find out what it’ll entail. And to make you feel even better, a lot of stag dos have lost the cliche things and seem more tame ( IME). I guess this also depends on the type of men there ( my DH has tame mates who like a quiet pint )

I may be way off the mark here and if so, ignore me! X

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 29/10/2023 04:06

You'll cope. It's 4 days.
And maybe down the line you get your minibreak too, that's how relationships and give and take work.
It sucks using annual leave but my husband does it for me to get a break and I'll use some when he travels for work. Together we raise the kids and sometimes that means one doing it solo for a bit.

You definitely should not be asking him not to go unless there is some really important info missing from the OP (physical ailment, PND...?)

tunapokebowl · 29/10/2023 04:08

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable. As others have said, looking after a baby full time is hard and can be isolating, I imagine particularly as a dad on parental leave as so much is centred around mums. It will be good for him to have a break.

I do get it. DH went away to a festival for the same amount of time with DC was 3 months. We have 2 dogs. It was tough but I coped. I made sure to get a grocery shop in before he left with lots of easy meals, and I got a good routine in place for taking the dogs out early in the day so they were more relaxed.

If you can leave pup home alone, use it as an opportunity to go to a few baby groups which you might not normally have time for. Good bonding with your baby and good for you to get a break from the puppy.

Londonscallingme · 29/10/2023 04:10

I’d personally suck it up if he is otherwise a good dad and husband.

Penguinmouse · 29/10/2023 04:16

Is putting your dog in a kennel an option? That takes away the stress of having to look after dog and baby. Plus if you have to take annual leave, could you go and visit friends or family?

chappoi · 29/10/2023 04:17

I think he needs to go. Your baby is nearly 1 you don't need him or back up to be able to look after your child for a couple of days. I think you will realise your quite capable and will do you a lot of good.