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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
Foldinthecheese · 29/10/2023 04:35

I try hard not to judge in these situations, because I don’t know your baby or whether you’ve dealt with PND or whatever else in the aftermath of having a child. However, I think you should ‘let’ him go for a few reasons. The first is that my husband has always been really supportive of me having time with my friends or to pursue my own interests, and he has been happy to care for our children while I do so, which I really appreciate. It shows that he sees me as a whole person, not just a caregiver, and I think that’s really important once you become a parent. I’m sure your DH would really value this time with his friends.
The other reason is that I’m really sure you can manage this. Due to the nature of his work, my husband has to travel frequently. That meant that I was managing twins and a dog from the time our boys were about three months, with no family support whatsoever. We later had a third child and he spent significant chunks of the first year of her life traveling every other week. It’s hard, of course, but so much worse if you tell yourself how difficult it will be. Ask him to help you prepare by working together to get on top of laundry, make sure the fridge is fully stocked, and then try to make some plans to help structure the time. I used to take mine to the garden centre for soft play and dinner occasionally, which helped to wear them out and meant I didn’t have to cook. Genuinely, you can do this, and I’m sure he’ll appreciate the break.

useitorlose · 29/10/2023 04:35

Is this a reverse?

Lastchancechica · 29/10/2023 04:42

I cared solo both baby and dog from day 7! Of course you will manage unless you are disabled in some way and haven’t mentioned it on here?

Why is his paternity so long? It sounds like you are losing your confidence caring for your own baby.

Dh has never been on stags etc, we don’t agree with them. You can always say the timing doesn’t work for you if it is impacting your work and ability to provide financially of course.

ChampagneLassie · 29/10/2023 04:43

We are simmlar no friendly help and my OH travels for work (and fun) probably about once every 2 months. I accept the work but resent the fun. I’m also similar that I feel nervous trying to do everything on my own. I can “survive” but it’s often hellish. The people telling you should be able to aren’t you and don’t have your circumstances. I get paid help, I have cleaners and I’ve used childcare.co.uk to get nannies in to help when he’s been away. Now my LO is in nursery so it’s much easier. Throw money at making it easier x

Wrongsideofpennines · 29/10/2023 04:44

Is it the having to take annual leave bit? If so I can understand how this might be frustrating, particularly if you're already having to juggle your job and baby in another couple of weeks. So I would be tempted to go away if you can't work anyway, go stay with family if you can and then you've got help with the baby and a bit of a break from work.

But I think you need to ask your husband when you can book in a break for yourself where he does the solo parenting for a few days.

Lastchancechica · 29/10/2023 04:46

You don’t need to ‘ask’ your husband for a break. You agree dates. Time off should be equal.

Olika · 29/10/2023 04:55

If it's about taking care of your 11 month old by yourself that is your problem then you really need to learn how to. If it's about annual leave then that's a convo you should have had with your DH when he mentioned the stag do for the first time and you two should have planned how/if to do it.

JennyJenny8675309 · 29/10/2023 04:56

There are plenty of single mums with no help who manage. You can too, and luckily it’s only four days.

TookTheBook · 29/10/2023 05:04

Do you have PND/depression, OP?

I would have found this incredibly hard at a similar age. I felt like a failure for feeling I couldn't cope alone with my baby and I'm sure the comments above aren't helping. It's not human nature to bring up young children totally solo, you're not crazy for wishing you had more help. But also I had depression and worked for a long time to get over it - I certainly was still in the thick of it at 10/11 months.

But that said, you should let him go and have his holiday. It sounds like he has been a good dad and would enjoy the trip.

Are you sure you don't have any friends who could at least visit or meet up for coffee to break up the day? As others say, lower your standards with meals and chores. You'll definitely manage. It will hopefully make you feel more capable.

PuttingDownRoots · 29/10/2023 05:08

Puppy... as you say puppy, I presume very recent. If this was a mutual decision to get a puppy, you should have had a plan for looking after baby and dog alone.

Annual leave... I get the frustration... but surely this was discussed originally?

When is your DH due back at work and whats the childcare plan then?

Looking after a baby for a few days by yourself isn't as scary as it sounds. Tiring... yes. But there's ways round it.... go with the flow, maintenance housework only, pre prepared food.

Talipesmum · 29/10/2023 05:08

Can you both put the puppy in kennels while he’s away, to make it a bit easier?

Scirocco · 29/10/2023 05:12

If you're feeling apprehensive, maybe try to re-frame it as you get to have this quality time with your baby?

I find that I feel better about life when I have a plan, so if I knew I had 4 days and 3 nights of time with DC coming up, I would:

  • plan and prepare activities (eg "in the morning we're going to this baby/toddler group, then it's lunch, then in the afternoon we're going on a nature walk in the park and collecting leaves" and the next day could be "in the morning we're doing some sensory play and making leaf collages, then in the afternoon we're going to baby soft play")
  • plan for what to do in naps so these aren't 'dead time' (if you have a consistent 45-60 minute period of baby asleep in the day, how can that be used most effectively?)
  • meal plan and prepare in advance
  • get enough clothes, towels, etc ready so we don't need to stress about what to wear, whether the laundry's up to date, etc
  • get a good book and some nice chocolates just for me, for when DC has gone to sleep

DH has gone away for various lengths of trips, for work, friends, family. They've all been fine. You'll be fine too.

Tell your husband to have fun, send him on his short break, and thoroughly enjoy your time with your baby and your dog! Then start planning your own trip if you want!

buckingmad · 29/10/2023 05:14

My DH is going away for 6 months and leaving me with a a toddler and a baby 😂 Most people’s DH go back to work after 2 weeks! My DH went away with work when baby was a few weeks old and then has been away a couple of nights most nights since for the last couple of years, leaving me with the baby, dog, horse, cat and a job. It’s a juggle but it’s fine. I’m guessing this is the first time you’ve had to do it on your own which is a bit scary the first time but it’s fine, you’ll get through it.

Does seem a bit unfair you need to use holiday for it though, can he not pay for childcare?

Rosiiee · 29/10/2023 05:41

Is this the first time you’ll be alone with your baby in 11 months??? How did you manage that? YABVU

thelonemommabear · 29/10/2023 05:49

YABVU. What is it these days where women seem unable to parent

Littleelffriend · 29/10/2023 05:51

You’re being ridiculous. My DP is currently away for 3 weeks, I’m on my own with 2 young kids, no family help. One child to look after? Should be easy

Needeyebrows · 29/10/2023 05:52

This reply has been deleted

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PerspiringElizabeth · 29/10/2023 05:55

Aw you’ll be fine. Nice few days chilling at home with a baby 😍 (But why the hell did you get a puppy at this stage 😄 now THAT is mad)

crumblingschools · 29/10/2023 05:55

I am assuming (unless this is a reverse type thread) that OP and her DH have shared maternity leave and he has been the one at home the last 6 months whilst OP went back to work.

ABCXYZ17 · 29/10/2023 05:56

What on earth do you think single parents do? It’s ridiculous that either parent couldn’t manage looking after an 11 month old for a few days on their own.

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 29/10/2023 06:09

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 02:10

Why are the we the ones to judge what he will find reasonable or unreasonable? How come you're not speaking to him rather than us?

@Watchkeys meet internet.

Internet meet @Watchkeys

Ragwort · 29/10/2023 06:10

Of course your DH should be able to go on his planned weekend away, it's laughable that you feel you can't cope with your own baby ....... but on a separate issue, who's idea was it to buy a puppy when your own DC is so young?

Bettyintheburbs · 29/10/2023 06:15

You will be fine. It’s important to be independent adults. Your turn next.

Anotherdayanothermoodswing · 29/10/2023 06:17

All these 'incredulous' responses saying op should be able to cope with her own baby on her own for a few days are totally missing the main issue here which seems to be that she is supposed to be working!? So not that she can't cope but that she will have to take annual leave to cover his jolly....

How about he can go if he arranges cover from one if his relatives? Your mum came last time but can't make this one, doesn't he have someone who can come and support you with baby WFH this time around?

If not I'd probably agree to it but on the understanding he owes you a trip away of you own!

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 29/10/2023 06:18

Yes of course it would. The baby is almost a year old, not a newborn. You presumably agreed to get a puppy (why? If your child is such hard work you struggle to look after him alone for a few days?) and accepted the work involved.
You're being selfish.